I cannot bring Dominic back-I cannot have my child once again in my arms. I cannot undo the damage death has wrought and the great gash loss has made in my heart.
And so I am left with my pain and my questions.
“Why?” is not a particularly fruitful question (although I ask it still).
“Why not?” is probably more helpful.
If I consider the lives of all the people God chose as examples of His faithfulness and grace there is not one who escapes heartache.
Not even one was allowed to walk this sod untouched by suffering that forced them to lean hard into the only Hope that lasts for eternity.
Adam and Eve reaped the consequences of their sin, were cast from the Garden and buried one son murdered by the other.
Noah watched the world descend into unbelievable wickedness around him and then witnessed the destruction of all flesh on earth.
Abraham left the familiar, trudged for years in a land promised but not given, had a son that he loved but had to send away because he was begotten outside the plan and will of God. He finally received the son of promise but was aked to sacrifice him.
He grew old without the blessing of possessing much of what God had promised him.
Jacob reaped the reward of his deception but lived a complicated and heartbreaking life.
Joseph enjoys a happy ending, but it was a long lonely path that led him there.
David, Moses, Paul, the apostles, Elizabeth, Hannah, Mary, Esther, Ruth-all were called to walk in sorrow as vessels of God’s glory.
Only recently in human history have we been able, in small pockets of abundance, to mistakenly assume this mortal life is as wonderful (or, dare I say it?) MORE wonderful than the promised eternal life provided by God through the ultimate and complete suffering and sacrifice of Jesus.
I want victory without war.
I want harvest without planting and working the fields.
I want to be happy and satisfied here yet still have a heart for heaven.
It is impossible to have both.
Only in light of eternity am I free to live a life set apart for God’s use in the here and now.
Only as a recipient of God’s grace can I be a conduit of that grace to others.
Only in deep sorrow can I find the true value of Christ’s promise that He will never leave me nor forsake me.
Only alone can I fully appreciate the gift of God’s constant companionship.
Only when I am truly hungry can I taste the bread that satisfies my soul.
Simon Peter answered, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You [alone] have the words of eternal life [you are our only hope].
John 6:68 AMP
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thelifeididntchoose 
Ours is not a what you would call a “grounded” family and in the last five years since Luke chose to go on ahead, we have had one thing after another. Enough to ask… Dear God, haven’t we had enough?
I look around me and see lots of broken people but most are not confident to trust in God. Some days, I too find it hard and can barely hold on to the hem of the Lord’s garment. It passes and He keeps me going. ❤
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I try to not ask “why my child” because why anyone’s child, but I do struggle with the fact that God has a bigger plan. My son struggled. Was the plan to bring him to peace? I do believe so, truly. I hope so. I totally accept God’s will and, yes, somehow my life is easier no longer worrying so much about my son, but I would rather my son be here. Not up to me, and I can not change any of it, so I pray for my son’s soul constantly. Melanie, your writing is simply beautiful and soothing and I thank you.
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I have found great comfort in your writing. This is the first one that left me with mixed feelings. I agree with the sentiment that the church (especially here in the states) tends to expect physical abundance and blessing but, as you’ve said, most every great person in the word suffered horrible loss and struggle. I mean, look at our Lord Jesus himself and then every disciple after he ascended. They met terrible persecution and death.
But the problem I have is that this sounds so much like a very unempathetic comment I received at a bible study. We were having open discussion and I made the mistake of being transparent about my broken heart saying how I wrestled with God over why my son died and wasn’t saved. In a very condescending voice, another woman said “Instead of asking why you should ask why not. God is God and he does what is best and we shouldn’t question him.”
I left and never went back. I was broken yet again…
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Ali, I understand your comments and share your hurt when this comment is flung across the table or room by someone who has never experienced deep pain or the unfathomable heartache of child loss. My raising the question to myself (sharing it, obviously but not meaning it would necessarily be applicable to anyone else) was a stepping stone for ME to wrap my mind around the question of “why”. I still struggle with it. I am willing to accept and take my place in a long line of others who have loved the Lord yet been overtaken by tragedy only because I truly believe He has a plan. I freely admit that the plan could have looked different-He IS God, after all. And it could have spared me this pain. I am so very sorry you were wounded by someone in that group. I hope this post didn’t wound you further. Praying that the Lord will overwhelm your heart with His love, grace and mercy and that He will strengthen you for each new day.
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As always you express my deepest thoughts and feelings. You convey what I feel and can’t put into words. I thank God for you and how he is using you as a vessel for healing. I thank God for giving you the words to write, your expressions and words are like balm for my soul.
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I am thankful that my words are helpful to you.
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The pain and heartache take me closer to where I need to be. Great post, thanks.
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Not a path we would choose, but a path that does lead us to lean harder on God and Christ. Thank you for your kind words.
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