All the fears I thought I knew

All the what-ifs I pondered during inky nights-

None of them-none. of. them. prepared me for this reality.

I have thought many times of  my own death.  Anyone past twenty-five has to consider that the farther you get from high school the closer you get to the grave.

So I put foolish and risky behavior behind me.  Eat fiber.  Exercise.  

Wise choices, that’s the ticket. 

But what about random?  What about unexpected?  What about lightning strikes and sudden curves?

How do you plan for that?

I know I’ll end some day.  That’s the way of things.  And I’m OK with that.

My children.  

They are my legacy.  They are the keepers of my light.

They are the part of me that will live beyond me.

Except one of them.

I am his legacy-the unanticipated keeper of HIS light.

It’s not supposed to be this way.

Yet here I am.

Unnatural.  Unacceptable.


Inescapably real.


Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

26 thoughts on “Unnatural”

  1. Your post from a moment ago. I love it. I love all of it. Then I saw the date when you posted it. The day I last spoke with Drew. The last time I set my eyes on my child. The last time I heard his voice as he stood talking with me in the drive way. I was holding a bowl of cut up cantaloupe that he kept stealing pieces of and he and his date were leaving for the evening. It was mine and David’s wedding anniversary. Nine and a half hours later Drew stepped into eternity and we have another anniversary on the 18th. It hits me that this was your post but I made it into something about me. I suppose you are used to that since you opened your heart and home for all of us living this life we didn’t choose. I’m grateful for this site and very sorry you live without Dominic. We are, one day closer.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can relate to the legacy of my daughter who suffered from eating disorder which eventually led to her death. I am now trying to educate and bring awareness to the most fatal brain disorder in the World. She called it ED the monster and it truly is a heartbreaking disease.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Your thoughts mimic mine. Are we so predictable- This club that no one chooses inauguration into?

    Thank you for putting our thoughts into words.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I have been reading your writings almost every day since I came across them. Our beautiful son, Gabe, took his own life last May (2017) when he could no longer deal with his depression. He was a kind and gentle person, loved by everyone but himself. He was a world class runner. He was 27 years old. You express so much of what I am feeling. Thank you. I am so sorry for the loss we share.


    1. Caryl,
      I, too, read Melanie’s posts every day. Her words speak volumes to my shattered heart. Like you, my son left this world in May, 2017, after a long fight to overcome depression. He lost his battle at the age of 39 – 21 years of fighting depression – & when his hell ended, ours began. I’m so sorry we are all members of this “club” that none of us want to belong to. I miss him so very much.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. ❤ I remember reading this last year, when I was nine months into the journey following the loss of John Paul, my son. I was stirred by your 'realness' in the middle of my own ponderings that day…realizing that those the nine months mirrored the length of time that I had eagerly awaited his arrival to the earth. Twenty-five years I was blessed to be his mom on earth…<3 Ditto, 'unnatural, inescapably real' — Looking with hope into eternity ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  6. So true. There is no right to this wrong. No “bright side.” No “but at least….” The cloud with no silver lining. Death is monstrous. Evil. But ultimately defeated, and that is our only consolation.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. So well said Melanie, as always. Unthinkable and unnatural have been my words don’t June 10,2012. I am so very sorry that we lost our sons. You are in my prayers.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. “I am his legacy-the unanticipated keeper of HIS light.”

    Truer and more heart wrenching words could not be spoken . . . a turn of phrase has untold power to communicate unvarnished truth. You have a gift for turning a phrase.

    Liked by 3 people

  9. Wow Melanie…you have such a way with words. Our losses are completely different, but you capture grief so accurately. I’m so sorry for the loss of you Dominic. Unnatural is the way to describe it. Unnatural, unfair, unthinkable.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you, Alison. I truly wish this were not the topic for my writing. But I am thankful it may be helpful for others. It’s one way to redeem the pain. May the Lord sustain you in your journey.

      Liked by 1 person

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