He Will Hold Me Fast

I’ve mentioned it before.

I’ve encouraged others not to resist.

But I want to be absolutely clear:  Losing my son made me doubt EVERYTHING.

I grew up going to church, listening to Bible stories, hearing “God is in control”, “Jesus loves me”, “prayer moves mountains” and  (even though it isn’t true) being “good” gets rewarded.

The prerequisite, of course, was receiving Christ, being “saved”, trusting Jesus.

I did that when I was eight years old.

And I leaned in and studied Scripture, fashioning my life around the Holy Word.  My home rested firmly on the solid rock foundation of belief in Jesus and the sovereignty and sufficiency of God.

For heaven’s sake!  I spent twenty years homeschooling my kids!  We might skip a math lesson but we never missed a chance to note how biblical principles and biblical truth informed our worldview and guided our choices.

I know, I know, I know that I don’t deserve special treatment.  I know that God does not promise to exempt any person from hurt and heartache as long as we walk this earth.

But somewhere I got mixed up.  

Somehow I thought that if I did all the right things, made all the necessary personal sacrifices, read the right books, walked the right path, my heart might be spared.

I was, oh, so wrong.

So when I had to bury my perfectly healthy, vibrant, brilliant, loving son who was here-one-moment-gone-the-next, I had to take a little while to decide how much of what I used to believe I could still believe.

I had to pull out all the verses, all the suppositions, all the theological arguments upon which my faith had rested and test them against my new reality.

Is God sovereign?  Does He have control?

I decided that He is and does.

Based on His Word and my own life experience, I am convinced that God is in control.

But His control does not routinely override the laws of physics He has put in place to rule the world.  His control does not always spare someone the natural consequences of choices made by free will.  His control does not always supersede the sinful brokenness that abounds on this earth.

So, here I am.  Left with absolute rock solid faith in the few, most important things upon which my hope can rest.

Christ died.

Christ rose.

Christ will come again.

Death is conquered.

Heaven is sure.

Redemption has been paid for and restoration will be complete.

I know by painful experience that His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts.  

my-thoughts-are-higher

I do not understand everything.  

But I cling to what I can understand.

Doubt is not sin.  I don’t try to talk myself out of it anymore.

Because the One Who made me holds me fast.

Those He saves are His delight
Christ will hold me fast
Precious in His holy sight
He will hold me fast
He’ll not let my soul be lost
His promises shall last
Bought by Him at such a cost
He will hold me fast

~He Will Hold Me Fast, Getty Music

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

13 thoughts on “He Will Hold Me Fast”

  2. Thank you.. doesn’t seem enough to say to you, Melanie.
    I read your posts every single day since my darling son left us..suddenly ..he is safe in the arms of Jesus..we are the ones weeping and consumed by sorrow and grief. I have changed already..part of me is with my son, that is the huge chasm in my heart. He holds it close until the day we are reunited.
    Melanie, you have been blessed by the Lord for your compassion and empathy for others from the loss of Dominic, your beautiful son. You help me through each day through your words. You are so honest and write from your heart. I appreciate that. I like honesty, and say it how it is. But how come you know just HOW I FEEL today? I really can’t grasp that..but you do!
    Of course you should write a book Melanie..I would be the first to treasure it!
    I have said it before, you have no idea how much you are helping so many broken hearts out there. You are treasured by us all.
    GOD BLESS YOU MELANIE AND YOUR LOVELY FAMILY

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  3. Thank you, Melanie. Once again, the tears fall as I read your post. I nod as I am reading along, hearing my own thoughts which have not been able to be reduced to writing – all spilled out in your own beautiful words. To understand our 14 year old’s choice to leave this earthly world, I must always rely on my faith. No amount of biblical training or scripture breathed into him would have changed the fact that sin has entered this world. God remains in control.
    Yes, I will see Jack again because Jesus died and has risen.
    God bless you, friend, for your work here.
    You have provided my aching heart with a resource for understanding.

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  4. Pingback: He Still Holds Me Fast – thelifeididntchoose

  5. Oh Mel, how I appreciate your words. Next Wednesday would have been Annika’s 16th birthday. Instead of having a Sweet Sixteen birthday party, we are gathering at her graveside. Just the thought makes me feel sick.
    This journey is like an intense mixture of heaven and hell. I have struggled in ways I never imagined and yet found my ground zero faith to be genuine. It is a confusing time.
    Thank you my friend for the encouraging thoughts and truths you share. They are a lifeline for many…including me. Love you.

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    1. I know, Nita. I know. There are no words for having to celebrate your child/grandchild’s birthday at their final resting place instead of in your kitchen. I hate it! Thank God we can look forward to that Day when all will be made right. I’m praying for y’all especially this upcoming week. Grace and mercy. Grace and mercy. ❤

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  6. Pingback: Repost: He Will Hold Me Fast – thelifeididntchoose

  7. Sometimes, you just realize that you don’t know everything. When you have difficulty with your faith, you just go “Back to the Basics.”

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  8. I agree with all that you say and you speak for me too.
    I also love that you quote a Keith Getty hymn as he’s from N. Ireland. When we were in Bristol for 14 weeks for Leah’s treatment I attended a very lively church there, but Leah wasn’t allowed to attend as she was being nursed in isolation. On our last Sunday there Leah pleaded to come with me so arrangements were made for us to sit separately from the rest of the congregation. I was so pleased when they sang the Getty/Townend hymn ‘In Christ Alone’.
    It was the last church service that Leah ever attended. Two months later we sang that hymn at her funeral, as she had faced death without fear:
    “No guilt in life, no fear in death
    This is the power of Christ in me”

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    1. We also sang In Christ Alone at Dom’s service. It was/is my anthem. I’m so thankful Leah was able to go to that last service before she left for heaven. What a precious memory that must be.

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  9. I needed this today. I am still struggling with knowing God is in control. I have moved away from being so very angry at him for taking Brenton from me. You stating that His ways are not my ways, wow, I had a celebration of life in November and in my speech to those who attended, I stated I was never in control of my life, God has always had control and that God’s plan isn’t always my plan. That has been the hardest thing for me to accept over the last year. Working on it, but still one of the most difficult things to understand. Why my family when there are so many parents out there that don’t care about their children. Why weren’t those parents taken instead.

    As always, great post. Hope you had a peaceful Christmas. Have a safe and happy new year.
    Stacie

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  10. This is right where I am…re-evaluating everything. One year ago my 20 year-old son and 18 year-old future daughter-in-law were killed in a car accident. Within the last year a family in our homeschool community lost their husband and father when he was murdered by a tenet, and in the last month a family from church lost their college-age son when he was murdered by his apt roommate. All believers, all walking with Jesus, all Jesus loving families. Pressing in to know Jesus better and know Truth is an arduous journey right now. Thanks for helping me know others have and still are traveling the same road.

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  11. Oh my! This is so so true!! I was saved at 15- we are raising our boys in a Christian home. My oldest son went to church from the time he was 5 days old, I home schooled for 10 years and was centered around a biblical worldview. We did all of the “right” things, and yet sin still reigns in this fallen world. I don’t even know how to fit suicide of my 16 year old son into that…death is an enemy. BUT… Jesus is still on the thrown, He still reigns over this fallen and sinful world, He is still a compassionate, loving, merciful God despite the tragedy that He allowed in our lives.

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