I’ve mentioned it before.
I’ve encouraged others not to resist.
But I want to be absolutely clear: Losing my son made me doubt EVERYTHING.
I grew up going to church, listening to Bible stories, hearing “God is in control”, “Jesus loves me”, “prayer moves mountains” and (even though it isn’t true) being “good” gets rewarded.
The prerequisite, of course, was receiving Christ, being “saved”, trusting Jesus.
I did that when I was eight years old.
And I leaned in and studied Scripture, fashioning my life around the Holy Word. My home rested firmly on the solid rock foundation of belief in Jesus and the sovereignty and sufficiency of God.
For heaven’s sake! I spent twenty years homeschooling my kids! We might skip a math lesson but we never missed a chance to note how biblical principles and biblical truth informed our worldview and guided our choices.
I know, I know, I know that I don’t deserve special treatment. I know that God does not promise to exempt any person from hurt and heartache as long as we walk this earth.
But somewhere I got mixed up.
Somehow I thought that if I did all the right things, made all the necessary personal sacrifices, read the right books, walked the right path, my heart might be spared.
I was, oh, so wrong.
So when I had to bury my perfectly healthy, vibrant, brilliant, loving son who was here-one-moment-gone-the-next, I had to take a little while to decide how much of what I used to believe I could still believe.
I had to pull out all the verses, all the suppositions, all the theological arguments upon which my faith had rested and test them against my new reality.
Is God sovereign? Does He have control?
I decided that He is and does.
Based on His Word and my own life experience, I am convinced that God is in control.
But His control does not routinely override the laws of physics He has put in place to rule the world. His control does not always spare someone the natural consequences of choices made by free will. His control does not always supersede the sinful brokenness that abounds on this earth.
So, here I am. Left with absolute rock solid faith in the few, most important things upon which my hope can rest.
Christ will come again.
Death is conquered.
Heaven is sure.
Redemption has been paid for and restoration will be complete.
I know by painful experience that His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts.
I do not understand everything.
But I cling to what I can understand.
Doubt is not sin. I don’t try to talk myself out of it anymore.
Because the One Who made me holds me fast.
Those He saves are His delight
Christ will hold me fast
Precious in His holy sight
He will hold me fast
He’ll not let my soul be lost
His promises shall last
Bought by Him at such a cost
He will hold me fast
~He Will Hold Me Fast, Getty Music