So many things raced through my mind in the first five minutes of hearing the news:
Oh, God! Is it true? (I have to authenticate his identity);
How do I tell everyone? (I have to make phone calls);
What do you do when your child dies? (I have no idea how to plan a funeral);
and on
and on
and on.
Of course, that doesn’t touch the FEELINGS flooding my heart.
I don’t really have words for that, even now.
But as the days of crazy activity and people everywhere gave way to the weeks and months of silent sorrow, all I wanted to do was to give up and give in.
What was the point of carrying on if it meant carrying this weight of sadness until I was also in the grave?
At first, my motivation was to help my husband and children through these crisis moments. My training gave me tools to give them words and ways to frame the pain. Hours of home “therapy” drained me but also gave me a sense of purpose and direction.
It was a couple of months into this journey when I faced my first test: I suffer from a gastrointestinal condition that predisposes me to catastrophic GI bleeds. Combined with the medications I take for RA, I woke one morning to find I was losing large amounts of blood.
It was nearly welcome news.
As weakness overtook my body, I could feel the lure of simply drifting away into eternity. I was tempted to lie down on the bed and allow my heart rate to decrease, my blood pressure to dive and my soul to break free from this body of death.
But I didn’t-because I could not knowingly add to my family’s heartache.
No one was home so I drove myself to the emergency room and was admitted to the ICU. Several days and units of blood later I came home, restored to life but not unburdened of grief.
And so it goes. Each day brings its own temptations.
I will be honest: I am still motivated more strongly by love of my family than a sense of mission or purpose this side of burying Dominic.
Perhaps that is sin. I don’t know.
But for right now, that’s enough.
Every day, even almost three years later, I wake up and must choose to go on.
I’m not suicidal!
I’m willing to stick around. But I am no longer afraid to die.
I can say, like Paul, “To live is Christ, to die is gain”.
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thelifeididntchoose 
Yes your post says how I still feel 6 years later. I was just thinking of this point this morning how I’d be ready to go to Heaven anytime although I’d like to see my kids and grandkids grow up further but it’s hard living with this pain it’s exhausting so much of the time ! I try to help others to get me thru the pain ♥️
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I too feel this way, do you still Melanie?
❤💔❤💔 these say it all x
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Some days, I do. While I’ve gotten stronger and better able to carry the load of sorrow and missing, when life piles even more things on top of it I find I’m weak and just want the weariness to end. I pray for the strength to endure and to hold onto hope-for myself and all my bereaved parent friends. ❤
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I begged God to let me die for weeks, then I started bargaining for a reason to go on. In His faithfulness, He gave me a ministry to bereaved parents and a thousand reasons to live for my 12-yo daughter. But it takes time to work through the raw pain that wakens you every morning (if you’ve slept) like a kick in the gut. There are no shortcuts, no detours—just suffocating, paralyzing, unspeakable pain that defies description, yet is thoroughly understood by the heart of another grieving mother.♥️
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The Scripture says that He has placed eternity in our hearts, but burying a child sets your heart on Heaven, once and for all. If you have a loved one in Heaven, your heart will always long for Heaven. I realized a few years into grief that if I had not known suffering and loss, I would be content to live in this sinful world forever. Not any more💙🕊
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I have 3 daughters whom I adore, and I go on for them, but I miss my son, Garrison, who also ran ahead to Heaven. Part of me is jealous that you have the choice to stay on this earth or run ahead to be with your son. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability.
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I’m so sorry for your pain and your loss, Angela. It IS hard to stay and do the work God has ordained for us to do. Heaven beckons, doesn’t it? But I continue to remind my heart that I do not want to be the cause (intentionally) of the same pain for another. May the Lord give you strength for each day and may He overwhelm your heart with His love, grace and mercy. ❤
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Even before Amanda passed, I told myself that I’ve had a nice life. If I go, oh well. I’ve discovered that there are those who love me and I love others. Life has purpose and that is to love others and to love the Lord. I wasn’t afraid to die before and I’m still not. But there are plenty here that need our love and our words of faith and hope. We are here each other. ~Roger
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I’ve lost two children in 5 months. I go on because i have a beautiful grandson that has lost his mom and uncle and i could never make him suffer even more.. Shayna forever 21 9/14/16 Morgan forever 15 2/6/17…
I go on for the others i love not because i want to be on this earth…
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Yes the temptation is there every single day to lay down and not get up.
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Yes, yes, yes.
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I look forward to heaven even more since losing my son, Noah Lee.
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I choose to live because my daughter fought so hard to. And because of my living children but I am not afraid to die, I’m anxiously awaiting the joyous reunion. It’s bittersweet, knowing no matter what there will be sadness on earth. I live…to LIVE again someday, eternally.
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Wow this is so true… I want to go to heaven too! But I will press on.
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