Again and Again

I don’t cry nearly as much as I used to.  

I’m not sure if it’s because I feel the need less often or because I’m just better at holding the tears at bay.  But when I do, it’s pretty ugly.

My heart is still broken.  

My soul still cries out for the child I carried in my womb and mothered for nearly 24 years.

I am not the person I used to be.

And I don’t know how to be the person I am now.  

I had time to grow into the “me” that was shattered in a moment when a deputy knocked on my door.  There was no time to get used to THIS news-not even the nine months it takes for a baby to grow to birth maturity.

In a breath, my son was gone.  In a breath, my world was changed.

I have lived with this truth for nearly three years.

I tell the story like it happened to someone else.  I give the important facts, the little details that make it real but it still seems unreal in so many ways.

I cannot believe this is my life

And when it hits me that this IS, in fact, my life-that’s when the crying starts.

I can’t help it.

I am just as astonished today as I ever was.

For in grief nothing “stays put.” One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?

But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?

How often — will it be for always? — how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, “I never realized my loss till this moment”? The same leg is cut off time after time.
~C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

18 thoughts on “Again and Again”

  1. There are days when I look at Luke’s smiling face in the photograph I have at my bedside, when still I can’t believe it….The words “Not my boy” come into my head and yes those ugly tears come again as I have to believe it. 💔

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  3. Pingback: Over And Over Again – thelifeididntchoose

  4. “I cannot believe this is my life…” So true! Thank you for sharing. The quote from Lewis-is it from A Grief Observed? I think I will order the book of quotes. Thanks again. Love and prayers from the west coast. Keep on sharing, Melanie💛💙😕

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  5. Broken hearted, my soul resonates with your heart expressed… I awoke a few hours ago, heart-overwhelmed, as if the news of my son John’s departure (almost three years ago) had just been heard… I experience a new churning in my stomach and an odd but familiar hollow ache in my chest – shaky, trembling, teary hopelessness threatens to blanket my soul – I reach for our Lord – desperate for His grace for today…and the strains of the worship song “Breathe” by Michael W. Smith come to mind and stir me to tears of surrender …

    “This is the air I breathe
    This is the air I breathe
    Your holy presence living in me

    This is my daily bread
    This is my daily bread
    Your very word spoken to me

    And I I’m desperate for you
    And I I’m I’m lost without you…”

    …my heart is full of love and compassion poured out in prayer for everyone who journeys this particular road until we reach our heavenly destination – “Maranatha, the Lord is coming…” I love you ❤️

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  6. It’s been 6 months now without my son Travis. I still do not know what to do. I love him just as much today, with all my heart!

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  8. Those are my thoughts, my words, my heart. That woman I once was,is gone. There is no way she could ever be again with part of her heart gone. Being a grand mother of a besutiful, loving, grandson, now gone forever, is never ever right. Thank you for sharing all of “our” words. God Be With You.

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  9. I don’t really know how to respond to this, yet, I felt the need to. Your words are my words, like somehow you looked inside my head and copied my unconscious thoughts. Four and a half years since my Seth Daniel went to Heaven at 23. Gentle hugs hun and know that I include you in my prayers for grieving moms and family!

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    1. Thank you for the prayers Stephanie. I am sorry you know this pain as well. It encourages me to hear that my words resonate with others-I’m always a bit hesitant with each post wondering if it’s just me or if another heart feels this way too. Praying the Lord makes His Presence very real to you today and that He fills your heart with His mercy and grace. ❤

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  11. Dear sweet Melanie, when I read your beautiful heart put into words, it is me! My son was 24 and it has been a little over 3 years. You express exactly how I feel, exactly! Thank you for sharing your words, I look so forward to reading them daily. God bless

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  12. I’ve noticed the same emotions come back to haunt me that I’d worked out before. Requiring me work out the same issue again. Sometimes it’s easier to get through and sometimes not. I like your CS Lewis quotes. I must find his books and read them. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

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    1. There’s a devotional called, A Year With C.S. Lewis. It’s a great way to chew on the nuggets without getting lost in the heavy verbiage of his writing style. I highly recommend it.

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