Joan Rivers was famous for opening her comedic routine with the question, “Can we talk?”
She would launch into a hilarious rendering of topics that were usually off-limits in polite conversation but which everyone secretly wanted to share. It actually helped bring some things into the light that had been hiding in shadows for far too long.
So, I’m going to take a cue from her and ask, “Can we talk?”
Can we talk about my missing son and quit pretending that just because he’s no longer present in the body, he’s not still part of my life?
Can we say his name without also looking down or away like his death is a shameful secret?
Can we share stories and memories and laughter and tears just as naturally about HIM as we do about anyone else?
Can we make a way to represent him at holidays, birthdays and special occasions? It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture-even a photo or place setting or ornament will do.
Can we stop acting surprised that I still get upset when other people’s kids reach milestones my son will never attain?
Can we talk about your feelings as well as mine without devolving into a shouting match or a flurry of accusations about who should be feeling what by now?
Can we make space for tears?
Can we make space for solitude?
Can we make space in our conversations and celebrations that allows joy and sadness to dwell together?
Can we continue to honor the light and life that was (and is!) my son?
Because if we can do this, it will make all the difference.
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thelifeididntchoose 
Very moving and so very true! Thank you for sharing your heart
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One of the best posts I have read since my son Connor died 7 years ago….
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I’m so sorry we share this pain. ❤
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Our sons are more alive now than ever in the presence of Jesus. I have those precious fee friends that don’t forget and love Cale along with me and every precious memory. And when they share their own reminders of him it brings much joy to my broken heart knowing Cale is not forgotten and was loved.
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Yes, they most certainly are. Yet this was not the way I thought life would go (foolish woman that I am!). I’m thankful you have some faithful friends who remember Cale along with you. I have those friends too and they are a true gift! ❤
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Thank you for sharing this. Until this point I have been able to talk about these things in very small ways, but have always felt my family wants to do their grief privately without talking much about it. As I’m in the first half of the second year it brought tears to my eyes to read this. It feels that increasingly the answer to these questions is probably no!
Thankful for those with whom I can still be real, and still loving the ones with whom I can’t.
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Martha, may I encourage you to venture out just a little into that no man’s land between you and the rest of your family or friends? I found out that if I’m willing to boldly speak of Dom, most people respond well. I think a great deal of the unbearable silence that mounts like bricks to build a wall between us and them can be smashed when we speak our hearts. Worse case scenario? It stays the same. Best case scenario? They know for sure that you’d rather speak than remain silent. Praying that God softens hearts and makes space in your life for the important conversations that can make bearing this load a little easier. ❤
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This really helps. Thank u for helping to me understand
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I’m thankful the post helps, just a little. Praying that the Lord will overwhelm your heart with His love, grace and mercy and give you strength for each day. May He also soften hearts around you so that you are free to speak of your child. ❤
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