The Reality of Ongoing Grief in Child Loss

 

One of the most difficult things to explain to anyone who has not buried a child is this:  I didn’t just lose Dominic ONCE, I continue to lose him.

dom looking up with camera

I lose him every single time there is a moment when he SHOULD be here but isn’t.

I lose him when his friends graduate, get married and have children.

I lose him again on Christmas morning when HIS face isn’t around the breakfast table and HIS name isn’t on the presents around the tree.

I lose him when I need to call and ask a question about my computer or need his opinion when trying to make a decision.

I lose him when everyone else is making their way home for the holidays or a birthday or just a visit-his car never rolls up the lane, his smiling face never emerges, his arms never reach out to wrap me in a bear hug.

I lose him when his siblings line up for photos-the space where he SHOULD be but ISN’T looms large.

photo-36

I will never know the joy of standing at his wedding.

I will never be able to congratulate him on his first court victory.

I will never see his children

I won’t have his companionship in my old age.

He is gone-out of reach.

Untouchable.

Lost.

 

i will always wonder what you would have been

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

23 thoughts on “The Reality of Ongoing Grief in Child Loss”

  1. Pingback: The Reality of Ongoing Grief in Child Loss – thelifeididntchoose | Loss, Grief, Bereavement and Life Transitions Resource Library

  2. The loss of a child is the worst thing I have ever been through. I would love to say I know how you feel, but everyone’s story is different.

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  4. The loss of a child is perhaps the deepest loss that any person can experience. While we expect to someday lose our parents, our friends, or our same-aged companions, we do not expect to lose our children. They are an extension of us…they are our future. And when they are gone, our future plans become empty and unfulfilled.

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  5. My daughter Stephanie left us in 2003. She is in a spiritual environment now and hopefully is building the remainder of her soul. That’s a lot of learning and I pray for her success. For her it is about her and the Father! There is a bunch out there.

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  6. It has been 32 since my 10 year old son died. While I have found a way to live a full & joyfilled life, I have come to accept my grief for Stewart is a part of me. I continue to miss him and wonder what his life would be like if he were still alive. There are still times when I am hit qite suddenly with overwhelming loss & grief. I have come to accept. Without my faith in God, I could not walked through the grief and chosen to live with joy & love & peace.

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    1. I lost my 9 yr old baby boy Landon Calvin I don’t understand why my eyes leak continuous?!
      Being a Christian believer and have sum thing like this happen to you is as close to the snapping point I’d care get too
      I lost my son and two friends in an arson fire 8/28/17, I was able to get my wife out safely but why just my wife?
      I know the pain the ache the not getting to’s………..,

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    2. I so agree with you, Rebecca. I too have endured the pain like no other of loosing my beloved SHEREE ANN at the young age of 17.
      MY faith also has carried me through, and I know Sheree is happy to know that I am living now with joy, love, and peace, and so thankful God allowed her to be here with our family for 17 years. SHe is one of my greatest blessings.

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  10. So well put. Brought me to tears. My 24 year old son Connor died 7 years ago as the result of an accident that was preventable if building inspections had been done. Thanks so much for saying all this. Xo

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      1. My prayers are with you. Hugs & much love. Plz find a support program. I lost my daughter 21 years ago & my pain in my heart still there. I wish i would have seeked help. My daughter was 17 , she lost her battle of Leukemia. Our children are with Jesus, but I needed more. I know I’m being selfish, but it hurts.

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      2. I am so very sorry for your pain and your loss, Dena. I am part of a support group and it is a wonderful, safe place to let my feelings out. It’s where I even learned to speak them and give them names. At first, I was so overwhelmed by so many emotions I couldn’t even figure out what I was feeling. I pray that the Lord continues to give you strength for this journey. ❤

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  11. I’m learning that after each possible moment the pain lessens a tiny bit. I find each one time it’s a little more bearable. Your blogs about planning ahead for the holidays helped me so much to make it through my first season of holidays.

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    1. I think you are right Roger-my recovery time is much faster now than it was a year ago or a year before that. Still hurts, but I’m able to feel, deal and heal a little more each time. Never whole, but more whole. Thankful that one day it will ALL be redeemed and restored!

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    1. I feel the same. It’s been six months since Rachel died and we are experiencing all those “firsts.” Her birthday is coming up in a few days, then Thanksgiving and Christmas and in February what should have been her first wedding anniversary. I don’t know how long you keep counting . . .

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      1. I am so, so sorry Laura. I don’t know how long you keep counting either. I’m on my fourth set of holidays and I’m still counting. I have learned to steel myself against it, but there are still several moments in each gathering that a knife pierces my heart-Dominic should be here! As the years go by, others have relegated him to memory-like a famous person you read about but never really know. And that is it’s own kind of sorrow. I wish none of us knew this pain. May the Lord give you strength as you come into the holiday season and every single day. ❤

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