It happens in all kinds of ways. One friend just slowly backs off from liking posts on Facebook, waves at a distance from across the sanctuary, stops texting to check up on me.
Another observes complete radio silence as soon as she walks away from the graveside.
Still another hangs in for a few weeks-calls, texts, even invites me to lunch until I can see in her eyes that my lack of “progress” is making her uneasy. Then she, too, falls off the grid.
Why do people do that?
Why is it, when we need them most, many friends-and I mean really, truly FRIENDS–just can’t hang in and hold on?
I admit in the early days I didn’t care WHY they did it.
It broke my heart and enraged me all at the same time. I felt abandoned, judged, forgotten, pressured to conform to some unwritten standard of how I was “supposed” to do grief and utterly, completely forsaken.
It took me months to begin to even consider their perspective and years to come to a place where I could forgive them.
Here’s what I’ve figured out this side of devastating, overwhelming, heart-shattering pain about why some friends run away:
- I represent their greatest fear. I am a billboard for loss. My life screams, “We are NOT in control!” And that is scary. Most folks run away from scary if they can.
- I remind them that faith is a living thing, tender and vulnerable to trials and testing. We love to tout Sunday School answers that follow like the tag lines on Aesop’s fables when asked about anything to do with Jesus or how God works in the world. But it’s just not that simple. The Bible is full (FULL!) of untidy stories where even the giants of faith got it wrong for a season. I think people are afraid that if they follow me down the rabbit hole of questions they might never come back out. Better to stand outside and hope I emerge safe and sound without risking themselves.
- My situation is messy and they don’t want to get involved. I will need ongoing, intense investments of emotional energy and time. Who knows where it might lead? Who knows how many hours might have to be given to come alongside and support someone whose journey looks more like slogging through a swamp than a walk in the park? These folks are just not going to risk entanglement.
- Some friends and family are genuinely afraid of doing harm. They feel my pain so deeply that they are frozen, unable to do or say anything because they fear they will make things worse. These are the hearts most easy to forgive and the ones most likely to jump back in when I assure them they cannot make it worse but their support can make it better.
- Some people were going to disappear anyway. We don’t like to admit it but many friendships are only for a season-we go to the same church, live in the same neighborhood, our kids go to the same school-and as soon as circumstances change these people fade away. Well, circumstances certainly changed! They leave because our differences outweigh our similarities and it requires too much effort to maintain the friendship.
Understanding why people run away has helped my heart.
It doesn’t undo the pain inflicted by abandonment of those I felt sure would stay close by my side, but it puts it in perspective.
Truth is, I’m not sure how many people I would have stalwartly supported for the long haul either before Dominic ran ahead to heaven.
None of us possess infinite emotional, mental, physical and relational resources. It’s only natural that we portion them out according to our own priorities-even when that means abandoning friends who really need us.
Rehearsing offense only ties me in knots.
It changes nothing.
I have limits as well.
Forgiving those that chose to walk away frees me to use my resources in more fruitful ways that help me heal.
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thelifeididntchoose 
I am so glad you wrote this message. I was told this would happen , after I lost my son Adam 12/28/21. But was so hurtful to not hear from close friends of over 10 yrs . I do truly believe what you said of fear , it could happen to them .Really wonder if it’s just too hard and work , easier to just forget me.
True friends and Family have stood by me and admit they don’t want to say wrong thing . I tell them to say anything, can’t make it worse as he’s gone and my heart is broken .
I ask forgiveness , before losing Adam I am not sure I was the person to stand by people with this kind of grief . I understand now . I am thankful for the people I do have for support and will try and forgive the others .
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I’m nearing my son Isaiah’s birthday 8/22/97 quickly followed by the 1 year anniversary of his death 9/20/21. He tragically died in a motorcycle accident (like your boy). So, not even quite a year yet into this life I didn’t choose.
I have my husband our almost 16yr old daughter. (I had to have a full hysterectomy at 27… so no more kids)
We talk of Isaiah often and are really our own only solid support; and a sort-of daughter-in-law (long story) whom I’m very close to; who is now with a wonderful man and they are expecting their first child in Jan 2023 (she recently was told she might have cervical cancer, so there’s that now to add in) and an almost 5year old grandson.
The loss of family and friends who I would’ve sworn would have been there, checked on me, acted as though they cared. Who I considered my closest people don’t reply to texts, don’t answer if I call, act as though they don’t see me at stores even when I wave and say their names. Who if we do speak either sigh or roll their eyes when I speak my sons name and things in conversation and quickly change the subject or (yeah, anyway…). They act like I should be over it, they act like my life should be back to normal now. Like I shouldn’t mention him anymore. Like he didn’t exist.
I’m not saying I don’t have friends that lean in and check on me, pray for me, invite or insist that I come do something with them. I’m surprised by these ones as we weren’t terribly close beforehand, but they have proven a true and deep heartship this past year that I couldn’t have made it through without.
I wish those friendship could erase the hurt of the abandonment of long standing friendships that I thought were my best and closest.
I have 3 Sisters who’ve “ghosted” me. Step-mom who checks in only on holidays or special occasions, uncles, cousins, grandma; all silent.
It’s salt and lemon ground into a deep, open and bleeding wound.
I don’t understand and the hurt feels so much deeper because of it.
My disappeared when I was 18, I only met my birth dad in 2010 then lost him in 2017, followed by husbands mom, uncle, aunt. Then our son and another 2 young deaths this past year.
I don’t have much family as I’ve estranged fro my birth mom family for nearly 10+years.
I feel so alone and that I just need to wear that hardened and practiced mask of supposed strength and just spend my days pretending.
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I completely understand the angst of what you wrote as I’ve had similar happened to me, as have so many others, unfortunately. I was completely floored when my 2 year old (who died instantly in car wreck, along with my infant daughter and husband through someone going through a highway stop sign) when the mother of his best friend stopped being friends with me -because she thought it would be too painful for me to be around her family, seeing her own 2 year old frequently. She was my closest friend and helped me while I was healing from major, multiple broken bones (I was the only survivor in my family, accident-causer only had broken wrist). Then she completely deserted me after I returned back home. She had an infant daughter transition to Heaven about 2 years before my accident happened, and I would have thought she’d known better. Another friend from high school days who was my maid of honor, so knew of my husband asked me explicitly, “Aren’t you over it yet?” as if we can just shelve our kids’ deaths away as if they as people no longer even existed. With really young children that die, and next to no supportive nuclear or extended family, nobody knew much about my kids but me and my late husband and the friends that deserted me. It still hurts, but like Melanie’s saying about the violet that crushed and forgiveness, that’s how I feel because it only hurts us if we don’t just let their insensitivity due to ignorance go so WE can be at peace and heal. But ouch! Like I said, the bruise still stings me. You’re definitely not alone.
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Melanie, Thank you for saying exactly what I have experienced. It does help knowing there are kindred souls!!!!!!
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This has been just another thing for me to grieve. It isn’t as I have just sat home and waited for them to contact me. I would call–always went to VM and I would leave an “upbeat” message. I would text and get no answer. I would ask them if I did anything to offend them, because I know I was crazy as heck after our second son died. Now, all these people were there when our oldest died of a congenital heart defect at age 16. The support we had was phenomenal. We had 2 younger (9 & 14) boys at home. I spent my energy trying to “teach” my other two how to grieve and that saying Bobby’s name and talking about him was a good thing. We decorated for Christmas, put up Bobby’s stocking etc. At that time I also had my whole “nuclear” family alive and supportive. In the 15 years between deaths, my parents, my brother, my best friend, my favorite aunt and uncle, and our youngest died. I was certain, the night he died, that I couldn’t do this again. Luckily, I have the best “shrink” and she gave me her cell number (which I only used once in the past 7 years). My 2 sisters and I have been estranged since my dad’s death–long story, but it involves greed, so I’m sure many have heard similar stories. The friends I am have now, either never met Ethan or only met him a few times, but didn’t “Know” him, like the friends of 30+ years who have, imho, abandoned me. I know I am a different person than I was 7 years ago and that slowly began 10 years ago, when my dad died. In a 6 year period, I had too many deaths and no time to grieve them. Plus I was the executor of 2 estates. When I look back at all this, it is truly by the grace of God that I am still alive. Too much for one person. I think everyone thought I was so “strong” and handling it. I will forever hate being told I’m “strong”–I had no choice.
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My dearest wife of 29 years just passed away April 1st, after a long battle against Multiple System Atrophy. When I told my friends of her passing, I received the obligatory text message of condolence. It’s been almost a month so far, but I still have not received any further communication from my “friends”, except for one of them (who lives several states away). It just adds to the mountain of pain.
Please don’t abandon your true friends when they have lost someone they love.
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Thank you for posting. I lost my young husband tragically 19 years ago. I can totally relate to the confusion of friendships at different stages of grieving. It’s a very complicated issue, yet I feel people deep down still care but let the awkwardness of our situation override their ability to continue their support. Many of my friends have come around after many years and it’s been a blessing to reunite with them. I just always would recite; where there’s life, there’s hope. Hope for old friends that felt like they weren’t there but still cared. Thank you for your insight. It’s exactly spot on.
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I just lost my husband to brain cancer May 31. Friends have been wonderful but I do expect that to fade. I have heard many stories of that. Thank you for your post that helps explain why.
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It was a year in February that we lost our beautiful Emsley Grace. She blessed us for 17 hours and passed in my arms. I also have a beautiful 4 year old Emma Korrine who has been my strength since day one! My husband is not a talker and just keeps everything in and I am the total opposite, but in Emsley’s case I put a front up around people and when I am by myself I let it out. I feel like I am alone, with no one to talk to. People that we have been friends with for more than half of our life act like we don’t exist. These are people we have been through everything with including lost of their loved ones. They distance themselves and only communicate with us if they need something or have a question about someone or something. I would give anything to be able to just pick up the phone in those times of feeling alone and have someone to talk to.
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I am so very sorry. I know exactly what you are living. My husband died 8 months ago. I found a grief group that helps immensely. Please consider trying them. Their website is griefshare.org. they may offer classes in your area. Keeping you in my prayers.
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MY SINCERE CONDOLENCES TO YOUR *EMSLEY GRACE*. I FEEL YOU TOTALLY. I LOST MY OLDEST GRANDSON, *AJ* AGE 25, FEB. 18, 2017, & HAVE LOST FRIENDS WHO I THOUGHT WOULD HAVE BEEN BY MY SIDE, WEREN’T. 💔
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😦 ❤
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I needed this today. Thank you.
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This was so helpful for me to read 17 years after my son Max’s tragic death. At the time, in 2001, right after 9/11, I was stunned and hurt by what I perceived as rejections by friends and acquaintances. All these years I thought it was just me. It’s so helpful to know that it’s a universal thing when a child is lost. Also, must say that I was blessed with many who did stand by me.
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I’m sorry you had such a long time feeling that it was you. I am thankful for the many ways bereaved parents can now meet others who share their pain-not because there are so very many of us-but because since there ARE so very many of us, no one should ever feel alone. I pray that the Lord will continue to give you strength for each new day. ❤
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This article helped me put into perspective the feelings I have towards my friends who I feel don’t want to get involved with my life very much since my only son Blake died tragically in 2014. We will be acknowledging his 5 year Angelversary in August and none of my friends will say not a word as they have in the past 4.75 years. Even if I post on fb, I only get the cry emoticon, nothing more. The only people who acknowledge my loss or fb posts are other parents who have lost their child. My old friends do not wish to invest their time and I can understand why even though this hurts. I’ve forgiven them.
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I’ve had this happen during several difficult seasons of my life. I don’t give these “friends” a second chance. It’s one thing to back away from someone who is needy to the point of being abrasive or even abusive. But to just ditch a friend because you’re a coward (being blunt here) that’s inexcusable. Understandable, yet still inexcusable. You can explain their reasons for them (since they won’t) but it still doesn’t make them trustworthy friends, now or ever again.
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Agreed!!!
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I’m with you, Anna.
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My son was killed on the way to score his drugs by a 16 year old boy. My son was 31. Shot in the head. I am trying to forgive him not for his sake but for my own. This has not been an easy task. I know that God Grant’s us His grace and I need to do likewise. His killer is in prison for 21years. When I first saw him I felt awful, just a little boy I thought. Then he hugged his mother and smiled at me. All sympathy I had went right out the window. This has made it even harder to forgive him. I will get there by Gods grace and praying for him. It’s been 2 and 1/2 years and I have grown to forgive him guile a bit. Prayer is the only way I know how to do this.
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I am so very sorry for your pain and the multiplied burden of the circumstances. You are absolutely right- the only way to forgive such an offense is by allowing the Spirit of God to work it into and through your heart. I pray that you feel the Father’s loving arms around you and that He overwhelm your heart with His grace and mercy. ❤️
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I too, lost friends after the sudden unexpected passing of our oldest daughter. I even blamed myself, did I say or do something to hurt their feelings. There is never ending pain and struggle. I attended a support group for the first year which helped me through some very dark days. Thinking I was fine after 3 years, it was time for me to get over it. Then I realized I would never get over it. My life was changed forever on that Friday morning when I got the worst phone call of my life. I can still hear her voice, shut my eyes and see her smile. I will never get over it.
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After my son died I had close friends say that if I ever needed this or that or wanted to do this or that to call them. Then there were others who just did things for me. The friends who told me to call them were offended that I didn’t and took it personally. And even more offended when they saw or heard that I was out and about with someone else. It almost seemed like a competition. I hold my grief tightly to myself. I rarely reach out and when I do I lean on the pole closest to me at the moment. This is how ive always been. Maybe I’ve done this all wrong. Now I don’t know how to relate anymore with these friends. I can barely be with them and listen to their chatter. I cannot relate anymore to their lives – my old life. I feel like ive changed and don’t want to rejoin the old ways. I feel like this is wrong of me. That I should force myself to make these old friends feel better and feel like I’m back to my old self. BUT I CANT!! It will be a year soon…..
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I feel the same as you Lynn. My son, Jesse will be gone a year 1/31/18.
None of my “old” friends call or have reached out to me. I also hold all in. I was in shock for about the first three months. The only one that truly knows my pain and is there if I want, is my exhusband who found him and another Grieving Mom where I work. We weren’t friends before, have nothing else in common.
Hang in there I guess. It’s all we can do.
Jesses Mom..
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I am exactly the same way. It has been 3 years 2 months and 4 days since my daughter was killed in a car accident. I have no one left. I pushed them all away and now that I want to start living again I am lonely and alone all the time.
I guess I’m just trying to say I understand.
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I pray the Lord brings precious friends and encouragers to your life. ❤
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One thing that really shook me on this grief journey is the people that I thought would be there weren’t and aren’t and some people I would never have expected to come along side me that did. Two years since losing my son Noah, I find I’m not as angry as I initially was at people who didnt do or say what I thought they should. I’ve come to realize a lot of people don’t know what to say to us and they just say something stupid. Ugh!
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That’s really a shock, isn’t it? If someone had asked me to make a list the week before my son died of who would stand by me, it would have looked very different than the ones that actually did. But tragedy has a way of shaking things out in every corner of our lives. ❤
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Your post echoes my own heart regarding losing former support people. With less support one only falls further down. After my being the only survivor after an auto accident that instantly killed my husband, toddler son and baby daughter, I know firsthand about representing to others “their worst fear” and their discomfit-caused abandoning of me. Jesus is the only one who has been steadfast; a constant supporter and helper through my darkest hours.
After 33 years, my forgiveness has been complete but physical scarring cannot be loved away. Thank you for this wonderful, insight-“full” post and comments!
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Your story hurts my heart!! I am so, so sorry for your pain and your loss. Thank you for also including your ongoing testimony to God’s faithfulness and grace in your life. May the Lord continue to give you strength to endure. Much love, dear heart. ❤
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Thank you, Melanie. God bless you and your ministry.
Donna
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You have endured it all. No one should have suffered all that. You are in my prayers. Deb
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❤
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I am so sorry for your incredible loss. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Standing Strong BECAUSE of Jon!
JonJon’s (forever 8) Grandma, Janice.
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Reblogged this on when it hurts and commented:
“I am a billboard for loss. My life screams, “We are NOT in control!” And that is scary. Most folks run away from scary if they can”, author Melanie says. Very true.
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I shared this article on my FaceBook page yesterday and it helped two of my friends who have recently experienced the death of their spouse.
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I’m so thankful it was helpful! ❤
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But sometimes the grieved person wants new friends who aren’t a constant reminder of the loss. I had the very sad experience of sitting vigil with a mourning family and helping to coordinate specific funeral arrangements but thereafter was kept at arms length and supplanted by a new friend who could do no wrong. The new friend was quite literally a gatekeeper and kept long time friends away, myself just one. This grieving family marvels that they have a new group of friends, but they’ve pushed the true family friends away altogether. It’s too painful I guess to have friends who knew you “before.”
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I am sorry that this was your experience. Every situation is unique and every heart is worthy of consideration and compassion-whether the bereaved or true friends who want nothing more than to be there for them. You are probably right that in some instances a bereaved person may want to “start over”. Since I cling with both hands to the people and places connected to my son it’s honestly not a position I’ve even considered. Thank you for bringing another perspective to the table. ❤
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I just wrote about this in my comments on a post about my son. I’m not there yet, and I admit I have a lot of work to do. I explained it as though death is contagious. The loss of a child is too much to deal with and easy to just go on with your own family’s lives and leave that best friend that lost a child hurting. Last night amidst sobbing and tears that just wouldn’t stop I realized I had no one to call to help redirect my thoughts. I’ve become a recluse, I just can’t lose anyone else so I’m alone. The pain is real and overwhelming. What I wouldn’t do to just feel joy. Pure joy, no hesitation, no guilt, just the kind of naive joy I took for granted unbenounced to me for the 26 years he was loaned to me to mother. I’m not sure I’ll ever get there but I think I’m the exception and not the rule. I’ve had many things said to me from those that are normally the ones that are your soft place to fall, i.e. Mothers. I’ve been told I wouldn’t want him back the way he was anyway, I was told he came to her in a dream and was angry with how I was still grieving (being told by her friends she made it up because she felt I wasn’t making progress 3 weeks after his passing and she was tired of my being pitiful). So yes, I’m jaded I’m afraid but I will take what you shared to heart and pray and start another day when the sun comes up armed with your advice. I thank you for that.
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Mama I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my little Eleanor Grace at 2 years and 4 months old, 6 weeks ago. I’m sorry you feel abandoned and people don’t understand that we will grieve for the rest of our lives. Hugs to you.
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❤
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I so hope you can at least find a bit of solace in understanding where our friends may be coming from when they abandon us. It certainly does NOT erase the pain abandonment brings. I also pray that the Lord will bring someone into your life who will choose to stand with you even if they are afraid. ❤
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I’ve been in that same place D Ann as you have. No one to call. A recluse. I’m also thankful and grateful to God that I had my son for 25 years. I wonder why our friends abandon us in our time of need. It’s hard to comprehend. I was there for her years before my son died, when her husband took his life, yet when the role is reversed I’m left alone in my grief. The article still puts perspective as to some of the reasons our friends keep us at arms length.
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Finally people understand. I lost my husband 2?years shin. I found myself hibernating no joy . I still
Went to church and women’s bible study but inside no feelings. Finally I can go out but not for long I come home to my comfort zone . Will
This pass?
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yes, it does get better. eventually.
I left a church where my husband and I had been a members for over 20 years due to the abandonment of the church family after my husband died suddenly. In a way it was worse than losing my husband.
I eventually joined a different, larger church where I could blend in and serve in small ways.
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Interesting thought that some people were more afraid they would hurt the situation. You are right. I remember being so sad with my neighbor one night and she cried too because she was so sad and missed my husband in her life too. It was one of the first times I realized how this was not only affecting me but I was not alone.
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This was a hard one for me to grasp at first because I thought surely if they were hurting as much as I was they would reach out instead of withdraw. But that’s not always the case. Some people are paralyzed by the thought of adding to my burden. But, like I said, they are also the ones who are willing to jump right in once I assure them they can only help by being present, not hurt.
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I have not lost a child, but lost my husband 2 yrs ago. I found the same thing happens in becoming a widow. Some friends just drift off – some stay by your side and support…. I have 2 siblings who have each lost a child – and I see the devastation in their lives. Yet, both see the same in me and in the loss of my husband. I can fully relate to your blog, by living through my ‘pain’ and seeing them in their ‘pain’. The loss creates such a void, we feel totally numb and grasp at anything we can to try to cope – the arms of friends are so needed!
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I am so sorry for your pain and your loss. And yes, I think that any great loss can equip a heart to stand with another in grief. ❤
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I am a person who sees both sides of the coin. Even from the very beginning my HEAD understood that it was difficult to be around us, the parents of a child who had died. I understood why people ran away. Oh, but how it hurt my heart. Because we had absolutely no family close by (our closest family was nearly 2000 miles away), when almost all of our friends disappeared, we were so very alone. It was like we were falling down a deep, black hole with no one to catch our fall. These are part of the secondary losses, secondary wounds that can happen following the death of a child. And the wounds leave scars. We can forgive, but I don’t think that means that we are not changed by the experience.
The thing in the Christian community, I would venture to say, is that we as Christians are encouraged to be the bigger person, to turn the other cheek, to forgive, to go the extra mile, etc. Not only did I feel like we were expected to tell people how to help us after Jason died, I felt like we were expected to understand and be okay with why people didn’t want to be around us. It just seems backwards.
I’m glad that you stated that it took you months and years to understand and begin to forgive. Sometimes it’s process that takes some time and effort to work through. I’ve worked very hard on forgiving people we knew, even though there has been no acknowledgement or apology given.
Thank you for your insights.
Hugs,
~Becky
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I also believe that forgiving does not undo the wounds that have been inflicted. You’re right-as believers we are often asked to travel the whole distance in the forgiveness process. I’ll be honest, sometimes I can and sometimes I can’t. Life is hard and child loss makes it harder. I just don’t always have the resources needed to reach out to the person that has hurt me. I know there are those that will say I always have the necessary resources in Christ-they are theologically correct. But I can’t always seem to tap those in my daily life. I’m trying ❤
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Thank you for sharing. Beautiful and helped me immensely
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I am so thankful it helped. ❤
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Sometimes the people who try to help are pushed away , quite rudely ! “How is she going to help ?” – angrily and ugly screamed at me . . .
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Anger unfortunately is a part of the grieving process …
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I’m sorry if you were trying to help and were pushed away. Since I don’t know any of the circumstances I can only make a guess and will offer this: In the depths of grief, sometimes our emotions are so strong and we want so badly to rid our hearts of them, we lash out at the nearest target. That might have been what happened. If you are still where you want to help and can help, may I suggest you reach out again? Bless you for wanting to help. ❤
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Because in a mother’s despair and soul crushing pain she doesn’t/can’t see how ANYBODY or anything is going to help her. You may see it as rude or you may see it as sheer despair. A real friend will understand. I had a male friend who was very close to me. When my 32 year old daughter was dying from cancer, he kindly asked what he could do for me. I responded by asking him if he could prevent my daughter from dying. Of course, he could not, so I angrily responded, “Then there is NOTHING you can do for me!” He was shocked for a moment and then he just held me. All a mother wants is for her child to be safe/healthy/alive.
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Try again to help. And keep trying. But in a way she is right. There’s often nothing you can do. I’ve often said don’t ever ask what you can do, just do something. Make dinner, now the lawn, send a card, tag in a Facebook memory. What I want most is for my child to be remembered.
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❤
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Reblogged this on Loss, Grief, Bereavement and Life Transitions Resource Library.
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My very best friend of many years just vanished when my daughter was killed. It broke what was left of the pieces of my heart.
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