Just after I got my driver’s license I was using the family station wagon to run some errands.
I remember thinking, “Should I pull into that space between two parked cars or should I just go a bit further and make it easy on myself?” I channeled my dad’s voice which was always pushing me past my comfort zone, threw off my fear and started into the smaller space.
Bad choice.
I kept trying to convince myself it was a dream. I was not going to have to go home and tell my father what I had done. It would disappear if only I wished hard enough.
But that was silly and untrue.
Denting the family wagon is small potatoes next to many other, bigger things I’ve faced in life.
And it is absolutely a zero on a scale of one to ten when considering the death of my son.
You can fix a dent. Even if it costs money and time.
You can’t fix child loss.
Because of that FACT-I wake every morning to the same awful reality: My child is dead. He’s not coming back. My life is forever changed. My family forever altered. My heart will carry this burden to the grave.
That makes waking up hard to do.
Each morning I must force myself to push through an invisible wall and set my feet on ground I’m not sure I want to walk upon.
I must open my eyes and abandon the sweet release of dreamless sleep.
I have to face the light and embrace reality.
Four years and it is still a shock.
Every
Single.
Morning.
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thelifeididntchoose 
I am not the Mom Melanie I am the MEME and believe me we wake up every morning lost and hoping it isn’t true. I feel we as grandparents of a child that died have a twofold sorrow. The heart wrenching gut punch of losing our granddaughter compounded with the need to help our own child with the loss of her daughter. My baby girl was 19 yrs old she died after 14 awful days on a vent after suffering at first a stomach ache then keto acidosis followed by pancreatitis. She was a wonderful kind caring child and grew up never changing . She wanted everyone to be ok and the last words to her mom before she spent 14 days on a vent was don’t cry mom I will be right back. As they wheeled her into surgery. I will never ever be the same person and my daughter has been the strong one. Her name was/is Neeley and she was as unique as her name. I have since started a garden called Neeleys hope it helps me I spent alot of time in my little patch of dirt. and I talk to her . Thanks for letting me tell you her story. Although short she was the light in our family and I know its dimmer now but it will never go out I will make sure of that. I love her and miss her and will until my dying day. Just sign me Broken and heartsick Kathy ps did have to tell this she had a phone and it was somethng my daughter could hang on to the last thing she touched memories of things in pictures and her voice on the mail. Sprint has been charging my daughter because they refused to end her contract without return of the phone she explained what happened in hopes like others we know they would let her hang on to the piece of Neeley but they refused and kept billing she sent it back yesterday and my daughter Tiffany is heartbroken . Sad people are so heartless anymore.
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Grandparents hurt too! I’m so sorry for the additional pain the phone situation has caused for both you and your daughter. You’re right-heartless. Praying that the Lord will meet you both right where you are and give you strength for each day. May He wrap His loving arms around you and overwhelm your broken hearts with His grace and mercy. ❤
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I hate it especially on the days when you wake so disoriented….you know those when you don’t really know what day it is. Is it a work day, is it a weekend? Those are the days when it’s the hardest and I can guarantee that somewhere along the line, without doubt my “mask” is going to slip. Some trigger or other which I only just manage on other days – on those days I am going to be unable to keep it up. It happened at school yesterday and I haď to leave the room. Luckily the staffroom was empty for my escape to and again lucky for me a kindly member of staff found me a sat for a while. ❤
Now comes God’s reason for my earlier disorientation…..this lady told me me that she had wanted to talk to me for some time as only just recently her friend had taken his own life in exactly the same way as his son had done two weeks previously. Another mama broken 💔💔
I am thankful my colleague was there for me so I could be there for her. I am thankful to God for directing me even through my pain 💔 and I am thankful He directed me me to find you Melanie as He directs you to help all of us when you write all that’s in your heart xxx
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Thank you for sharing, Carol! What a sweet example of how God weaves our lives together with others in just the right way and at just the right time. I know your precious heart was a solace to that friend. The grace you carry and share is so evident in everything you write. May God continue to fill you with His Spirit as you pour out His grace and mercy on others. I do hope today is a more peace-filled day. ❤
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Yes, a shock….every single day. This burden will be carried to the grave.
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It will. I am better able to carry it now (at four years ) than I used to be. I can shift it and manage it most days. But truly, it is a shock every morning to remember I have to carry it at all. ❤
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Hi Melanie, so true every single morning. I remember the next day after my son was killed, I was so angry at the sun for rising. I remember that exact feeling when reading this. I look forward to your post daily, you truly understand every emotion and feeling of lost of a child. Thank you for your perfect writing and thoughts. God bless you and your family.
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Carmen, I am so very sorry for your pain and your loss. I hate that you are another mother who carries this sorrow in your broken heart. I’m thankful the posts help, a little. May the Lord overwhelm you with His grace, love and mercy and may He give you strength for each new day. ❤
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