Have you ever tried to squeeze into too-small jeans, managed to get them over your hips, sucked in and zipped up only to realize that all that extra “you” is now spilling out over the top of the waistband?
Sometimes that’s how life after loss feels.
Too much emotion, too much baggage, too much EVERYTHING that has to fit inside a very narrow set of other people’s expectations and tolerance for self-expression.
I find that I CAN squeeze my words and actions into that skinny space-for awhile.
But then sure as anything, the real me pops out the top and there I am-exposed to the world- warts and all.
I’ve discovered that self-control is not a limitless commodity.
Now before my Bible believing friends remind me that it is part of the fruit of the Spirit, I want to say this: it sure is! And because the Spirit of Jesus lives inside me I can promise you I am more self-controlled than I would otherwise be.
When every single word, action, thought and feeling has to be reined in every waking moment, there is not enough self-control this side of heaven to do THAT!
So I find that some days I just need to stay away from people. Because if I don’t, I’m going to be ugly.
And other days I can do people but I can’t control my eating.
Still other days I can do people and count calories but memories leak out of my eyes and I blubber my way through until darkness brings sleep and relief.
There is just so much inside me now.
So much that really can’t be laid bare or it would scare everyone else half to death.
So I keep trying to squeeze myself into the constraints that make me fit for company.
But beware- I might pop out any minute. ❤