Blaming is Just So Easy

Dominic’s death has made me angry at times.  

And I really don’t have anyone on whom to focus that anger. 

I can blame Dom, but what will that do for my heart?

I can be angry at God, but the truth is, I have too long a history with Him to think that He is punishing me or that He isn’t the loving Father I know Him to be.

So often I end up casting blame on those who don’t live up to my standards of how they SHOULD be walking alongside me in this Valley.

Because all that anger has to go somewhere, right?

Businessman points his finger at you

Sad thing is, right when I need friends most, if I’m spending my time picking them apart because they aren’t approaching me in the most helpful ways or, worse-avoiding me altogether-then I am guaranteeing I’ll be alone and lonely.

It does hurt when folks say the wrong thing, don’t say anything or let mention of my missing son fall like a lead ball between us.  

But most often it isn’t because they MEAN to hurt me, it’s because they don’t know what to say or how to act.

helpful advice what not to say to a bereaved parent

Child loss and its lifelong aftermath is largely a secret in Western society.  

Even many mental health professionals don’t recognize its ongoing impact on a heart and life.  

I’m beginning to suspect that most of the people I know have been and are doing the best they can to walk alongside me in this Valley.  And, well, if it looks a little awkward or is kind of an on again/off again thing-I’ll give grace.  

Blaming is easy.  

But it pushes hearts apart. 

Right when I need them to come closer.  

says something small but fits into the empty space in your heart

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

8 thoughts on “Blaming is Just So Easy”

  1. Halloween season tends to bring this out in me. How can so many people waste money and resources for such nonsense when children are dying of preventable diseases, starvation? And mocking death, as if it can be mocked until you live it….and realize it’s serious stuff. And that it was given power over us as part of the penalty of sin?? OUCH. God can mock it, but we cannot! HE is the only one with power over it, and we should humble ourselves a little!! Yes, anger seems to take the forefront for me in October. Not to mention the upcoming other holidays, although less controversial, still feel equally wasteful. sigh…..

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    1. Yep-I know. Never, ever been a fan of Halloween and even less of a fan now. Especially when everywhere I turn there are folks mocking death. Mainly because they don’t know how awful it truly is. And then there’s the whole issue of the millions and millions of dollars spent on this “holiday”! I’ve noticed Thanksgiving stuff takes up a smaller and smaller section and Halloween has taken over as THE fall celebration 😦 I’m so sorry that your heart knows this pain. Praying that the Lord gives you abundant grace, mercy and strength for these months that are so very challenging. ❤

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  2. I have been to the point realizing that God is all I need. I thought I needed my friends but they don’t understand and I was getting too hurt and then angry. It wasn’t good for me so I had to make a decision to trust in God alone for what I needed because I wasn’t getting anything from friends. I had to put on a happy face or they wouldn’t say anything at all. I had to put myself in their shoes and realize I’m not sure what I would say. I know now but would I 7 months ago? Probably not. I hope I don’t have to be there for someone because that means they have gone through losing a child but if I am ever faced with this they will be lucky to have me because I will not give up on them and know what they need.

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    1. I think all of us that experience child loss and follow Jesus eventually realize that only God can truly bring comfort to our hearts. But, like you, I also realized that before it was ME, I didn’t know what to do/say either. I like to think I did a better job than some of my friends but maybe not. You’re right-those of us who know this pain are uniquely qualified to comfort those new to this journey. It would be lovely if no one else joined our “club” but as long as this earth endures (until Christ’s return) that’s going to happen. May the Lord give you the strength to endure. ❤

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  3. I’m seeing this. I’ve been so angry, at everyone, and it adds pain upon pain. God is showing me how to release my expectations. I’ve let some friendships go, am still angry about others. But with some I’m learning to love them exactly as they are…the good and the bad, more than I ever have before. It’s a powerful thing and it graciously frees me to accept the love they offer, even if it didn’t fit the format I wanted. I’m very much in process but I see the beauty of it. It reflects how God loves us. Thank you for writing this. You have a lovely way of speaking gentle truth.

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    1. It can seem unfair when we are already overburdened with grief and all that goes along with it to have to reach out to people who may have abandoned us. But I’ve found that often my friends that fell away did so because they just had no idea WHAT to do or say. In fairness, there are long stretches in these past 4 1/2 years when I’ve been pretty closed up and closed off-any time they may have reached out has kind of bounced off and not been reciprocated. I pray that one or two of your dearest friends will reenter your life and that they will be willing and able to walk with you and you with them. ❤

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