Fathers Grieve Too

I’ve gotten a similar comment from two different bereaved fathers in the past two days.

It goes something like this, “I’m offended by the implication (one was in a meme, another was a reader comment) that mothers grieve more than dads”.  

I appreciate the comments even though I disagreed with the interpretation these men gave to what was actually stated.

I responded by saying that since I am a mother-not a father-I write from my own perspective.  I don’t try to fit my shoes on anyone else’s feet.

I also said that if they chose to read any blog post I have written, I have never implied nor stated that a father’s grief is somehow less than a mother’s.  The only differentiation I make between my grief and anyone else’s is that child loss is qualitatively different than other kinds of loss.  

Losing your hamster just isn’t the same.

at least take away the hamster died

I don’t claim special status because I’m a mother grieving my child.  

But I will absolutely, positively admit that often dads get overlooked when people offer comfort and solace.  

Maybe it’s because fathers (as a group) tend to be more stoic, less demonstrative and quieter about the boatload of feelings grief brings.  Often men grieve privately, shed tears in secret and may not post anything on social media even when they are really struggling.

As all of us in the bereaved parent community know, most folks are trying hard to wait us out-hoping beyond hope that this period of active mourning will pass sooner rather than later.

So dads sometimes play right into that desire by staying silent.  

Let me just say this:  Fathers grieve too. 

Dads miss their children just as much as mothers.  My husband was overwhelmed by grief for months after Dominic left us.  It literally incapacitated him for a period of time.  So I know firsthand about a father’s grief.

If you’re a dad and feel marginalized, overlooked, forgotten or underrepresented in the bereaved parent community, may I ask you to do me a favor? 

Open up.  

Share your grief. 

Be a voice for bereaved dads everywhere.  

I, for one, want to hear what you have to say.  

❤

bereaved fathers

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

12 thoughts on “Fathers Grieve Too”

  1. My husband continues to grieve for our son. I had thought that I would be able to lean on him in the beginning days but found that he needed to lean on me. So I grieved silently so that I could support him. I saw my own mother do this as well after my brother’s death. A lot of men (in my opinion) were taught that “real” men don’t cry, crumble or show any emotions in times of deep trauma. How sad that sometimes the men in our lives do get forgotten in times of great grief. I am encouraged to read comments from men. I am sure that it will allow me help in supporting my husband in our grief journey. My prayers are for both the mom and dad’s. 💜

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  2. Pingback: Repost: Fathers Grieve Too – thelifeididntchoose

  3. Lost my son 6 months ago! at 23 yrs age! Suicide!!I never saw the sighns and we where close he hid them well!! I try not to but I blame my self-As the father its my job to protect my family and I did not protect him from his self!!!I spoke to him a hour before he seemed normal!My wife grieves and it is hard to comfort her when I still am a wreck myself!!!

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    1. I am so very sorry! Suicide adds another layer to this awful journey. I pray that the Lord will give you the strength you need for each new day and that you will hear Him whisper, “Courage, My child” to your wounded heart.

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  4. Pingback: Fathers Grieve Too – thelifeididntchoose | Loss, Grief, Bereavement and Life Transitions Resource Library

  6. As a grieving father, I have read your blog for more than two years. It has been the single most encouraging help to me as I walk through the dark valley. I have also directed other men to it—both those who are grieving and those who want to help. Thank you for your blog.

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    1. Thank you, Jerry. Your words warm my heart. I appreciate that you took time to let me know the blog is helpful. I pray that the Lord continues to give you the strength to endure this journey. ❤️

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  7. Yes, sometimes I feel men are ignored. I’m one of the few men who speak in a group. I’m the only man in an online chat. I’m one of the few men who blog. I don’t write as often as I use to. I use to write every other day, then one a week to now one a month. I only have a couple of dozen followers on WordPress. Rarely a comment and a like or two makes my voice seem unimportant. I wrote this blog about men:
    https://rogerholmackblog.wordpress.com/2016/09/27/fight-like-a-man/

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      1. Thank you and I’ve learned alot from you. You’ve inspired me to write about the same topic but from my perspective. I also forgot to mention that I struggle to express myself. It’s difficult for me. Writing was never my thing but I’ve found it helpful to do so. Hugs.

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