Why Am I Still Writing?

I ask myself this question often:  Do I want to keep writing in this space?  

Sometimes the answer is a resounding, “no!”. 

Because while I love to write, some days it’s hard to put together words in a way others can understand.  Sometimes I’m tired, or rushed or just tired of thinking about how grief and loss impact my life.

And then I ask the follow up:  Do I still have anything to say?

That’s the one that keeps me here. 

Because as soon as I think the answer is “no” to that question,  a conversation or a comment thread or a personal experience brings up something that I feel I need or want to write about.

So I sit down and begin again.  

your-story-could-be-the-key

I made a commitment in the beginning to be as honest as possible and I’ve done that the best I know how while protecting identities of those who are part of my story but who have their own stories to tell (should they choose).

I also promised to be transparent about my thoughts on God, on faith, on life everlasting.  I feel like I’ve done that.  In fact, I’m pretty sure some of my rambling has shocked friends and family from time to time.  But I’m not afraid of shocking God.  He knows my frame, knows my heart and cannot be made small by my questions or doubts.

I try to do research when appropriate to bring together resources and ideas for bereaved parents in one place. 

One of the most frustrating things to me in the early months of missing Dominic was how hard it was to find good resources.  The Internet is not your friend if you are looking for local and accessible help for practical problems.  It was over a year and a half before I found a closed group of like-minded bereaved parents.  But once I did, oh, what a difference that made in my journey!

So if you are interested in finding a safe, closed group, ask me.  I know of several.  

And then there’s the sweet comments that (usually) mamas send my way-either through Facebook or here.  When someone writes that looking for the blog post each morning helps them get out of bed-well, that’s both encouragement and a serious responsibility.  I don’t want to not show up and disappoint a heart.  Even when all I have to offer is only my words.

So for now, at least, I plan to stay.  

When my life circumstances make it impossible to carry on or I run out of things to say (which my mother will swear won’t happen!) then I’ll quit.

I send each post into cyberspace with a prayer-even for my readers who don’t believe in prayer: 

“Father God, help each heart hold onto hope.  Send a ray of sunshine into every cloudy day.  Bring someone along who will listen, who will care and who will offer a hand to the one who is too weary and broken to take another step.  Help them believe that they are seen, they are loved and that they matter.  Overwhelm them with Your love, grace and mercy.”

You DO matter.

I DO care.

If you need to talk, message me. 

If you need a safe space, I’ll direct you to it.  

I’m not going anywhere.  

compassion and stay with you

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

42 thoughts on “Why Am I Still Writing?”

  1. Please, please keep writing, Melanie!!! Your words so often lift me from depths that I dare express. God gave you such a beautiful gift, and it touches my heart each and every day to read your beautifully written words of hope and encouragement.

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  3. Melanie, thank you for continuing on. I’ve said before, you so eloquently put into words what my heart feels. Some days I search for the words (and feelings) and then I’ll find one of your posts and there it is. Sending you love and appreciation.

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  4. I am into this journey 15 years. I have 2 sons here on Earth and my oldest, Matt is in Heaven. My youngest son was in the wreck that killed his brother, his mentor, his hero, and his friend. Not only do I struggle with loss of my first born but I struggle to understand the pain and the horror that he lives with everyday. He told me the other day that Matt came to him in a dream and told him not to cry anymore. He is 27 and married now but I still think of him as the 12 year old boy that saw his brother die. I am telling you this story because I don’t know how many times that your words have expressed my thoughts and pain. I sometimes wish that I could pick up the phone and call you because I know you get it. Thanks for your wisdom.

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    1. Oh, my! What a heavy additional burden for your mama heart to bear! Of course you see your son as the child who lost his brother! I understand so well. My youngest was close to his brother and I see the ways Dom’s absence impacts him every single day. Thank you for encouraging my heart by sharing yours. ❤

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  5. Melanie,
    I would like to thank you for continuing to write.
    We haven’t met, but I feel you can see or read my heart and mind. Your writings touch me and speak truth that I can’t seem to put into words.
    I appreciate your openness and willingness to continue to help others.
    My son Beau, 22, passed May 16,2017. I still cannot believe he’s not coming home.
    I’ve joined a few Compassionate Hearts groups on Facebook, but never have been brave enough to share my story and loss.
    So many hurting hearts💔

    Thank you again for sharing your talent of words and heart felt experiences.

    Sincerely
    JoVanna
    Beau’s Mom

    Sent from my iPad

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    1. You are so kind. When it’s right, you will share. I had a hard time knowing how or what to share at first. How do you put all those feelings into words others can understand? The beauty of the closed groups is that they DO understand. So when it feels right, share away. You will be affirmed and loved, I promise. ❤

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  6. Thank you for not quitting. I love your blog and look forward to it every day. My girl is christy and she went to heaven on July 19th, 2013. It’s been a long road of grief. I read and share all the time. One group in Facebook that really helps me is “While we’re waiting”. It’s spiritual based. Thanks again for your words. Your son Dominic sounds amazing just like my christy. I hope they know each other in heaven❤️

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    1. I love While We’re Waiting. It was a godsend when I finally found it after 18 months. I like to think that our children DO know one another in Heaven. It’s a beautiful picture, isn’t it? ❤

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  7. I’m only 4 and a half months into this journey of a life I didn’t choose, but it feels like a lifetime and also like yesterday. If it wasn’t for your posts and our Savior I wouldn’t have made it thus far. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

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    1. It’s a hard journey made a little easier by those who have gone before and are willing to walk alongside us. I am so very sorry dear heart. Praying the Lord gives you the strength to hold onto hope. ❤

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  9. Melanie,
    Don’t leave! I read your blog daily. My husband and I reached out last night to a group and they are loving and supportive. It is so hard to hear other stories because I want to bring their sorrow and pain home with me. My heart hurts for others. I have to remember to get me well and to a place of acceptance. I enjoy reading your blog. Thanks so much! I am sorry for your loss. This is the worst pain and the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life. I lean on the lord for understanding, some days are good and others not so much. I appreciate you being here. It helps!
    Sincerely,
    Donna Andrews

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    1. I am so sorry for your pain and your loss. It IS hard to hear other l
      loss stories. Even though it’s painful, it proves that your heart hasn’t become hard and that is a gift. I’m glad you have reached out to a local group.

      Don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere. As long as I have something to say and God enables me to write, I’ll be here. ❤

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  10. I hear ya Melanie. I don’t write everyday like you do. I just don’t have that many words to say. Can’t think of what to say. Writing isn’t natural for me. I ponder why I write. You know, you don’t always have to have words of wisdom or words of comfort, just raw thoughts help us. It’s like, I have days like that and that is a big help too. I do know one thing, your writing is a gift from God. If you need someone to chat with, it’s ok to message me. Sending you big bear hugs today.

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  13. I love that you continue to write. You are my constant. 1 year ahead of me holding the torch to help me find my way. Helping me to keep some sort of faith going even tho im still just soo angry with Him. Thank you Melanie 🙏

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    1. Thank you for sharing that. It’s OK to be angry-I know you know that. He will wait. His heart is for you even when you can’t feel it. I’m so sorry that you share this awful journey. ❤

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  14. Melanie, I know I have made a few comments to you but I want you to know I have been on my grief journey of losing my son for almost 21 months. I don’t even recall how I came upon your blog, but it was pretty early on. I would read and have tears streaming, your words make a huge difference in my day-to-day. I look forward to getting out of bed and your words being here for me to read. Since I have been on this journey I have been connected to two moms who are now on this journey, as well as one of my best friends lost her daughter a few months ago. My heart breaks over and over for them, because we would never want anyone on this journey of http://www.thelifeididntchoose.com. With each I have shared a blog post that I thought might speak to them. I hope they are know following you, as I do. Your so open, honest, raw with such a love for your family, Dominic and God. You inspire me daily.

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    1. Oh, Renee, how kind! I’m thankful the blog has helped your heart and now you are helping other hearts. That’s what it’s about. None of us would choose this life but since it IS our life, we can choose to help others along the journey as well. May the Lord continue to give you what you need for each new day and bless your efforts to bless others. ❤

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  15. Melanie, sometimes I hurt too much to even read your posts. Most days it’s how I start my day. I share your writings on FB because I know so many that have lost someone. I think that you reach more hearts than you know. Thanks for sharing, you are an inspiration.

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    1. You are so sweet. Thank you for encouraging me. This road is a hard one to travel and I’m so glad that we are not alone. None of us would choose it, but since we share this burden, it’s a great blessing to walk together. ❤

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  18. Please continue to share Dominics memory with us, how ever you choose to do that, please. My sons name is Joshua, he died on day 15 of his life 06/03/2015-21/03/2015 (SIDS category 2). Your posts have helped me process my anger, they are real. I often wonder how you find the time and value your commitment. But if you ever choose to change/evolve the way you blog, choose another medium for dominic’s memory, i’d love to come along xx Thanks babe for all your hard work, dedication & helping me use my voice by feeling identified & valued. Honestly, I felt a burden to everyone, to society for 3 years. I let the anger fester inside, i felt my hurt, my views, my health, my anger, was not appreciated by society. They weren’t. Reading your blog & some other facebook pages, counsellor & being bold are helping me “come alive” again. Who cares, if its not accepted, I’ll never accept it myself 🙂

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    1. I am so sorry for your pain and your loss. I’m glad you’re finding your voice and finding ways to express your heart. I love that you feel like you are “coming alive” again. I pray the Lord continues to strengthen you each day. ❤

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  21. I don’t know how to love anything ever again! I lost my youngest son, 13 yrs old, 24 days again, to a pistel accident. I no longer see a sunset, hear birds sing…nothing of life.
    I am so very broken & so VERY AGREE AT GOD!!! How could he have not protected my sweet boy!!
    He had just crawled out of my bed, after praying for my migraine & his daddy’s new job, then 20 minutes later he wad gone forever!!!
    Oh my God!! My soul aches without him! I will never feel his kiss, feel his arms around me, hear his prayers!!!
    God is NOWHERE!!!!

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    1. God is nearer than your breath dear heart although I understand you can’t feel or believe that right now in your great sorrow and pain. I cannot answer “why” for you any more than I can answer it for me. But I know I am still standing by the grace of God. And I know He longs to gather you in His arms and comfort you. I pray that you will let Him. ❤️

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