Demotivated, Dispirited, Disheartened

I have no idea how it happened but my “get up and go” has gotten up and left.

For the first time since Dominic ran ahead to Heaven, I’m utterly incapable of talking myself out of the doldrums.

I’m not especially sad or anxious, just worn out and uninterested in making progress down my “to do” list.  

demotivated pigeons

There are so, so many chores that are best done during these too-brief perfect spring days and I’ve barely managed two.  I’m usually rushing from daylight to dark taking advantage of cooler temperatures and comfortable breezes.  By now (in a typical year) the porches would be clean, the yard tidied up, some fences mended and windows washed.

Not this year.  

Each morning I begin afresh, promising to do better, to make more progress, to finish up the random bits of long-overdue projects and by noon I’m done.  Back in the same funk that’s pursued me for over a month.

side porch 2018 edited

I understood it better when we were covered up by clouds, drenched in rain and shivering in the cold.  

But I can’t figure out why sunshine and flowers, birdsong and breeze hasn’t made a difference and given me an infusion of enthusiasm.  

no winter lasts foreer and no spring skips its turn

I’ve tried all the usual remedies-eating right, exercise, checking my meds and supplements-but they aren’t effective. 

Maybe the struggle against a natural downward trend is what keeps me from truly resting and bouncing back.  

I might just give in for a few days and see if that works.  

I’ll let you know.  ❤

let-yourself-rest

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

30 thoughts on “Demotivated, Dispirited, Disheartened”

  1. Melanie,
    I have never written a comment on any sight before! I have been following your blog for almost two years and this post really hits home with me. I feel this way almost every day and am glad to hear that I am not the only one. One of my twin sons died from his injuries from a car accident when he was 16, along with 2 other friends. There was one survivor. My other twin will graduate from college in May. I work hard every day at school and love my job, but when I get home I’m spent! Thank you for your outstanding writing, support, and underas we travel this road. I love the phrase and reminder “Trust your journey.” You are truly an inspiration!

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  2. I am so thankful for your posts; you always manage to put into words what so many of us are feeling – including being in this same place right now. Be gentle with yourself; sending lots of love.

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    1. Thank you, Lori. I try to be transparent. I’m glad it helps another heart. May you feel the Father’s loving arms around you and may He continue to give you what you need for each day. ❤

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  3. Lifting up prayers for you for some good mindful rest to re-fuel for some get up and go. I’ve had some of that same feeling and I don’t any reason for it. Hang in there momma! Extra prayers coming your way!

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    1. Oops … that got away before I was done … Something that works for me is a drive, a day away, or a short trip … it helps me hit the restart button. But know that many times YOUR posts help me think outside of the oppressive box I am in, of a path forward to try. Thank you for that … and go easy on yourself❣️

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      1. I appreciate that, Valerie! I spent yesterday doing whatever I felt like at the moment, which was a kind of vacation to this woman typically tied to her “to do” list. It helped. ❤

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  5. So true. I am at about the same place in my grief timeline as you are. I find as we approach what would have been his 16th birthday next month I’m sinking again. (Although I’ve never really made it to high ground since he’s been gone.) For those of us who are fortunate enough to maintain more control over our schedules, (i.e., not regularly punching an employer’s time clock) it’s a good practice to heed our own body and mind and give ourselves the grace we more readily bestow on others. It’s a hard road.

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    1. It maybe that you have had more stress these last couple of weeks and used up all the “extra” energy for now.
      After retiring at Christmas with 50 years of routine behind me I keep feeling exhausted for no real reason other than the change in the pace of my of life. I reckon we deserve a bit of a rest with the weight of the burden we carry.
      The windows will wait a while….go with it Melanie, max out on a few feel good films with your feet up and some flavoured coffee or a pot of your favourite tea…guilt free….we’ve got this my friend 😉

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    2. I’m trying to learn to rest. It’s hard. Even though I haven’t had to punch a clock, there are years and years of routine and chores that make me feel I need to “keep up”. But I don’t. Thank you for the reminder. ❤

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  6. I think it annoyingly frustrating that those days we are fighting the heavier waves of grief are not cognizant of our to-do lists. Grief should be more sensitive and in-tune. (wink wink) Please let yourself go there and pour it out. Your energy will return – as good as it gets after such a loss – and you will be able to tackle those lists. Much love, hugs and prayers for you, sweet Melanie.

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  7. I have been quietly following your posts for awhile and have been uplifted many times. Take time to rest and recharge and give it all to the Lord, He will give you the rest and the peace to go on. My daughter went on ahead 10 years ago and there are still those timers that I have to stop and just recharge. Hugs to you.

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  8. Lugging around the weight of grief is exhausting. It’s ok to take a break now and then. It’s ok to rest for recovery. It’s all good and necessary. Hugs.

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  9. Gee–did I write this and not remember??!! This is the conversation I had in my head last night. Almost 5 years, seems like the last year was going ok, then the last few weeks, or has it been a few months–the doldrums–I looked up the meaning and that’s it. Waiting for the wind to blow to move me on, in the meantime….. Praying for a fresh breeze to move us both.

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  10. Melanie- I’m sorry these days are so hard. You have been through a lot with your grandchild. It all piles up. A regular day is hard enough sometimes. Can’t run the car on an empty tank. Give in to the exhaustion & try to fill your tank. Blue skies are behind the clouds. Xoxoxo

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  12. I read someone’s post just a day ago (or was it a year) that after 6 non-med years she has decided it was “ok” to allow herself to thrive and be happy again with a little help. This resinated as I am also 6 years (or has it been a day) in and feel the same. Never before have I thought having a little help being Spring-like was “ok” until now. Let Spring in.

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  13. It’s 2:20am as I read this post. I know exactly what you mean. I’ve just finished looking at the last picture ever taken of my son before he left this world. I’ve just moved past what marked what should have been his birthday, and the 2-year anniversary of his death is fast approaching. That first breath of life…..the last breath….. it was yesterday; it was forever. Spring – when everything is new – usually brings a breath of renewed energy. Not this year. I can’t seem to find my usual zeal to get things done. Perhaps I, too, shall just rest for a few days.

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