Sometimes church is hard for me.
Not because I am angry with God, His people or His Word.
But because my experience is an outlier for Western “Sunshine” Christianity.
I don’t fit in with the folks who smile and wave and pretend that they have all they ever wanted, heaven is a nice place to look forward to, and they are “living their best life now”.
With so much effort being poured into church growth, so much press being given to the benefits of faith, and so much flexing of religious muscle in the public square, the poor in spirit have no one but Jesus to call them blessed anymore.
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My eyes are open to the desperate reality that this world is not as God intended. My heart knows that even though my hope in Christ is a lifeline, it isn’t anesthesia.
My soul is battered and bruised.
My “hallelujah” is definitely broken.
I have a hard time with Sunday School lessons that draw one-liner takeaways from difficult to understand scriptures. I cannot give assent to simple life lessons designed to give congregants a mantra for the coming week.
Life is more complex than that.
And if you listen closely to Jesus’ own words you can hear it.
So sometimes I can’t gather in the halls with folks who insist life is simple, faith erases all pain and the hope of Heaven makes everything alright.
I sit home with my Bible, my selection of honest worship songs and my God.
He has invited me to bring my hurt to Him, so I do.
He is a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief.
I can trust my heart to Him.
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thelifeididntchoose 
Yes!! the hollowness is what echoes in me every day. I am forever changed and living still. I am much quieter now because sometimes there is no strength to talk and chat as i once did years ago. Its been 4 years but for me it feels endless. Thank you for your honesty! It helps me.
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That is probably why I have not been able to return to church. Church was so much a part of our family and I was proud that both of my children grew to adults who became part of a church family. When my son Garrett died, and isolation from Covid closures I did not have my church family around me. Just not easy to return.
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I so understand. I am able to attend church now and have for several years but I lost my only child to murder 20 years ago. It was truly a process and I am thankful to have relationships with Godly people who inderstand. Thank you for sharing – my prayers are with you –
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You are not alone. I feel this way too. I am thankful you expressed this.
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So often your blogs speak to me in the moment, literally. Very well written expression of grappling with the harsh reality that not only is this world broken but we are in a broken road … alone. Struck down but not abandoned for Jesus sticks closer than a brother.
It’ be 3 years in July since our Ryan
‘Ran ahead of us to heaven’ I use that phrase all the time now, thank you! I am bereaved and beyond consolation. Though I can function there’s a hollowness now that wasn’t there before.
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Thank you, your words often give definition to the feelings my mind cannot began to describe. Yesterday was a very dark day for me. I was afraid I was to stop the pain any way possible for it was difficult to want to draw another breath. My daughter ask me, “What would Uriah say if he seen you like this?” I know the Lord sees me. Some days I cannot comprehend anything, I still struggle talking with God now. Pray for me please as I will pray for you.
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“There’s a hollowness now that wasn’t there before.” ….that is a perfect description of how I feel also.😥
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yes yes yes. this is a perfect description!!!!
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