When It’s Hard to Give Yourself Grace

My little congregation is hosting a volunteer team blessing us with a new roof for our leaking sanctuary.

What would have been absolutely impossible if we had to rely totally on our own resources is happening right now!

The week after my daughter’s wedding.

fiona and brandon down the aisle

Which means that I am especially exhausted as well as depleted emotionally, mentally and physically. 

I’m simply unable to participate like I want to and feel I should.

I’ve brought food up to the church each day but I can’t stay to help serve because my family is still doing leftover wedding tasks.  My heart is torn between what I know I have to do and what I would like to do.  And it’s impossible to do both.

It’s so much easier for me to extend grace to others in similar situations.  I am often the first to say, “Don’t worry about it!  We’ve got it covered!”, and mean it.  The last thing I want to do for any struggling heart is add to the burden.

Yet here I am, knowing full well that the smart thing, the right thing and really the only thing I can do is accept the same grace from others I’ve extended in the past and I can’t stand it!

I’m pretty sure it’s pride stopping me from admitting my limitations.  I’m pretty sure it’s selfish ambition that goads me into trying to finagle a way to be in two places at once.  I don’t want to be the one person who didn’t show up all week, meet the volunteers and tell them face-to-face how very much we appreciate them.

How my heart can twist things!

These past six months have been hard ones.  Goodness-the past almost two years have been one crisis after another, more travel away from home than in the decade before, more heart-stopping, mind-blowing moments and challenges than any other season since the first year after Dominic ran ahead to Heaven.

And still I will cling to my pride.

I need to accept the abundant, overwhelming, free-flowing and never-ending grace of Jesus.

I do no one any good by refusing it.

Least of all me. 

god opposes the proud humble hands

 

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

2 thoughts on “When It’s Hard to Give Yourself Grace”

  1. Omg, thank you so much for this….Yes! I so feel your conflict.
    Our Nick left this world 21 months ago, and I remember how I immediately felt compelled to show up, to serve, in spite of the indescribable pain I was in. I know now that I was still in a state of shock and my efforts were my feeble attempt to stay busy enough to drown out my heartache, and to showcase my faith….sincerely hoping and believing that God would be somehow glorified, but mostly ego driven by my desire to “look good”.
    It’s taken me this long to finally accept that I cannot sidestep this pain. It permeates every aspect and event of my life today with an additional layer of bitter sweetness, and I have had to learn to honor it and my self through this process. Blessings to you and your precious family, and congrats to you all.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. First Melanie what a great photograph, they look so happy…it brought a me a great feeling this morning 💖
    Aren’t we hard task masters to ourselves and it is usually only us that think we aren’t doing enough, even when we know that if someone else had come along with food every day we would be delighted with their efforts with no judgement of ‘not enough.’
    It sounds like a great pulling together of everyone involved and yes you are all allowed to be proud of your efforts.
    Peace be with you xxx

    Like

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