Another Meltdown

I’ve spent most of this afternoon crying.

It’s beautiful weather and nothing terrible happened today but my heart is heavy and I can’t shake it off.

I try so hard to identify triggers and personal traits that lead me down this path of sorrow.

Sometimes I come up empty.

I do think it has something to do with all the changes we’ve been forced to embrace.

They feel familiar.

Sudden, unexpected events have squeezed all of us into a narrow place with fewer options than we are accustomed to have available. Jobs lost, schools closed and (what is the deal???) no toilet paper.

A life that used to feel like an open vista of opportunity now feels constrained and burdensome.

I’m limiting my exposure to news and social media but there’s no escaping it altogether and it’s affecting my ability to keep a stiff upper lip.

I guess lack of sleep has something to do with it too. And the fact that someone’s dogs got into my chickens and killed half of them. Death-any death-is awful!

Plus Mother’s Day coming up. It will be the first I’ve spent without one of my children and without my own mother being at least a phone call away.

I would normally try to talk myself out of giving in. But not today.

I’m sitting outside in the extraordinary windy day and letting the tears fall. I think that’s what I need.

I miss my mama.

I miss my son.

I miss life the way it used to be.

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

13 thoughts on “Another Meltdown”

  1. Melanie, your blog often speaks the words I have hiding deep in my heart but can’t speak. I often say out loud after reading it….how, how did she know what I needed to read today? or….how did God know what to put on her heart so that I could hear it today? We are sisters in Christ and connected so tragically because we both lost sons very suddenly and unexpectedly. My beautiful, strong, funny and friendly Jack was 14 when he “ran ahead” but we know exactly where he waits for us.
    This post made you seem more real to me than ever and I needed to hear that there are even days when the strongest of us have “meltdowns”. Thank you.
    I prayed for you many times yesterday. I prayed for comfort, for the triggers to pass over you. I prayed for God’s peace to envelop you and swallow you whole.

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  4. Having only just read yesterday’s post I am not surprised by your post today Melanie. You are correct, this all feels far too familiar and it appears to me to have keyed into our grief.
    I hope after a day of undoing the Coke bottle and letting some of that bubbling grief out you will feel able to walk along the path again.
    Sending you all my love across the ocean ❤❤❤

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  5. Some days are so hard, as long as you don’t sit there too long. To try to figure out why, may be a distraction. But deep down the reason may be “what was” and now “what is”. From following you, I know tomorrow you’ll be okay. 💕

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  6. I feel your pain. I lost my only child, my Mandy last year May 25 th. This will be my first Mother’s Day without her. How do I go on ? I also lost one of my strongest supporter after losing Mandy, my sister Wanda passed away in February. I feel so alone sometimes. I pray for all of us hurting this Mother’s Day. May we somehow find Gods grace of peace and comfort these next few weeks. ❤️💔

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    1. I am so very sorry for your pain and your multiplied loss! What a hard, hard season for you on this Mother’s Day. I don’t have a miracle plan for making it. It’s really just one foot in front of the other, one moment at a time. Praying that the Lord will give you strength to hold onto hope and that you will hear Him singing courage over your broken heart. ❤

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  7. Melanie- I feel exactly the same. The loss triggers are all over. Life is hard and the struggle is real. I live in a very hard hit area in Northern NJ & haven’t seen my granddaughters in 8 weeks. Can’t do my volunteer work in honor of my son Connor (birthday parties). Weary, trying to be positive. Lean in. I hear you. Xoxoxo

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    1. My heart is so very heavy for the localities suffering the greatest number of daily deaths. How horrendous! Our area is much less affected but of course we are staying in and staying away from those outside the immediate household. Yes. Triggers everywhere. Praying we are able to find a way toward being in close contact with those we love soon. May you feel the Father’s loving arms around you every morning. ❤

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  8. Melanie. I know what you are talking about. The sorrow is heavy. And I do blame it on this lockdown. I’ve seen all my girlfriends struggle because of the changes but we also have added grief. Go easy on yourself. Personally I would love to cancel Mother’s Day. I have decided to honor my kids with a small gift and speak of their Godly gifts on Sunday. It’s a hard day and honestly they don’t want to understand. Thanks for sharing your heart.

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  9. Melanie, I read your blog daily and it always hits exactly where my heart aches. I lost my son Harry tragically 3 years ago, aged 13, my only child. I just wanted to share my love with you, open my heart to you as we walk, crawl, scramble along this journey. Your words are so powerful, so truthful, thank you for sharing your innermost feelings. You truly are a blessing, love and light, Amanda x

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    1. Thank you so much! Your words encourage my heart. I’m so sorry we share this pain and experience. May you feel the Father’s loving arms around you and may He overwhelm your heart with His grace and mercy. ❤

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    2. Melanie, I appreciate how open and willing you are to share the good and the bad. We all have the bad days, even years later, and you sharing about it helps validate our feelings. That being said, I’m so sorry you are having another season of deep sorrow bubbling up. As someone else commented, sometimes it just needs to get out and hopefully that will have a positive effect in the coming days.
      Whenever I let myself actually think properly about what (who) I have lost, it leads to meltdown crying. It sounds like you didn’t go there though, it was more subconscious, probably brought on by some of those triggers you mentioned. Any one of those might be enough (your poor chooks), but the combination could be powerful. Praying today and following days are gentler

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