Some folks are great at it.
They find a tagline or a cause or even a certain color and it becomes shorthand for remembering and honoring their missing child.
Me, not so much.
Dominic wasn’t the kind of person you could sum up in a few words or a certain favorite anything.
He was a drummer, a social commentator, an adrenaline junkie, a fitness fanatic, a neat freak, a bargain hunter, a mechanic, an electronics aficionado, so very funny and a loyal and fierce friend.
He could be sarcastic and cutting.
He was nearly always brutally honest. His twitter feed is full of (sometimes misspelled) witty commentary on everyday irritations and observations. I can hear his voice in my head when I read them.
Dominic was also kind and compassionate.
He was often the kid that sat next to the kid that no one else wanted to sit with. His friends from law school told me tale after tale of how he helped them with one thing or another, how he went out of his way to be there for them and how his kindness made a difference.
He was a stubborn mule too.
When he’d established a position it took a heap of convincing to get him to change his mind. More than once he simply waited the other person out, trusting exhaustion to do the work of making his case.
His [thirty-third] birthday is coming up in a few days. It will be the [tenth] one without him.
If he was still here I’d do what I do for most birthdays-create a portfolio of gift cards in an amount equal to the years. I love hunting down a recipient’s favorite places to shop and filling up the envelope.
I’m still not good at figuring out what to do about birthdays down here when he’s in Heaven and probably not even marking the day.
He would hate balloons.
He’d know none of us needed any cake.
Between now and then I’m going to try to think of something.
Any ideas?
Share this:
thelifeididntchoose 
I try to do a random act of kindness by paying it forward, donating blood or a favorite organization. Hiking in a favorite place that Katherine enjoyed but her bday is in January in upstate NY .
Dominic and Katherine have some of the same qualities, I like to think they have met in the heavens❤️ Thank you for your insights on this journey of grief, they have helped me 3 years in.
Happy Birthday Dominic and sending love to you Melanie.
LikeLike
My son, Daniel’s angel date was May 7th. (He has been in Heaven 8 years). We always have his favorite Zaxby’s at the cemetery. This year an Air Force friend of his was able to join us. It made the day less unbearable. On Daniel’s birthday, in July, I pay it forward by paying for a table’s meal at one of his favorite restaurants. I try to find a table that would add up to close to his age ( this year he would be 39. If it isn’t that much i give the rest to the waitress to bless her. I do it anon. Then if I am eligible I donate blood. I spend the day trying to do for others because that is what Daniel would want.
LikeLiked by 1 person
My son Christopher died 2 yrs ago. HIs 1st heavenly birthday was the day after his funeral. The next 2 I have gotten terribly sick. I too want to find a way to honor him and up until know nothing felt right..He was known for being ridiculously generous. Next year I plan to encourage people to do acts of kindness in his honor. I will ask them to share what they did w us if they feel comfortable. I know this would bring him joy! My fear is that too much time has passed for his friends and acquaintances to get involved and I feel mad at myself bc I really think they would have if we started from the beginning.
Dominic shares a lot of similar traits w my Christopher. I can appreciate what a hole that incredible energy is in a family. A hole that can never be filled.
LikeLike
I previously replied here, regarding what would have been Kari’s 30th birthday. Since then, I’ve started a new tradition.
I “spoil” my remaining child, Tiana, doing something extra special that Kari would also love.
First year we went to the ballet, (Kari started ballet age 3) after an Italian dinner (Kari loved in Italy for 8 months)
Following year, we went for High Tea (Kari loved tea) beside the river and over looking a beautiful bridge (which was Kari’s favourite bridge).
This year we’re going to an amazing Irish dance and music extravaganza (Kari learned Irish dance for 5 years and LOVED Riverdance).
I realise you have three remaining children, but maybe you could choose one each year to “treat” with a special experience that Dom would also have loved?
LikeLiked by 1 person
I go to lunch with my husband & daughter & son in law & raise a glass to him. I burn a candle all day. I take flowers to his grave with a little balloon. I make sure I talk to him. Some years I write him a letter. I make space for the sadness. I celebrate the love. This will be the 14 th bday I am without my Connor on earth. It never gets easy. Love to all. Xo
LikeLiked by 1 person
Our Rachael (25 yrs old) has been gone 2 years now. When she was here on earth we always celebrated with going out to eat at her favorite Mediterranean restaurant, choosing an activity ex: movie, mini golf, etc.. , and always having her favorite Funfetti cake.
Now that she is gone we still go out as a family and celebrate her with all her favorites., and I still make her favorite Funfetti cake. ❤️
Happy birthday to Dominic! 🎂
LikeLiked by 1 person
On Dusty’s birthday, I take the money I would have spent on his gift and go to a local restaurant and buy a meal for random people and tell the owner it is in honor of my son. He passes this info along as people go to pay for their meal. It makes me feel I am giving something in honor of his day that would make him smile.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Another beautiful post..on the one day I will always Celebrate as others will too, although I mean that in a respectful way .the day that our child was BORN, but they can’t be with us unthinkable isn’t it so we have to keep them close in our hearts and thoughts, so the world knows they will never be forgotten and they are loved to eternity!!!
I have already decided that the dreadful day he left for heaven is not one I want to remember..when that date comes I shall retreat into my shell. I literally cannot bear even the thought as the calendar heads towards it. The worst is both these dates are in the same month for us.
I’ve seen some beautiful photos of Dominic you kindly posted cross country running…and also musical photos ..playing drums etc.. he radiates happiness in his lovely smile …So how about something that celebrates one or all of these things..a sponsored run/walk/push by friends and family..donations to a charity of Dominic’s passion? Or how about some friends getting together and playing on those drums to celebrate the end of that..any donations to something Dominic was passionate about? You probably have done this already !
I’m sure you’ll have plenty of ideas like that because whatever you do it’ll be filled to the rafters with love and you’ll be surrounded it …Dominic will hear it up there !!! God Bless xxxx.
Thanks Melanie.x
LikeLike
Our Brandon loved fireworks. If the conditions work, we do a few. He also loved to target practice with his pistol. That fills in the times when fireworks conditions won’t work. Our prayers, Melanie. Brandon’s birthday is also in a few days. We understand. 💧💙🙏🏻
LikeLiked by 1 person
What a good idea! It was rainy here this week. I’ll have to remember that. ❤
LikeLike
My son died May 7, 2019 at age 18. For the month of May 2020 I wanted to do one random act of kindness a day but with shelter in place I am stuck at home. I have been mailing a $10 gift card to Chick-Fil-A (his favorite restaurant) to a family member or friend with his picture asking them to pay it forward each day. It feels nice on my end and people have been happy to receive it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
My son Christopher died 2 yrs ago. HIs 1st heavenly birthday was the day after his funeral. The next 2 I have gotten terribly sick. I too want to find a way to honor him and up until know nothing felt right..He was known for being ridiculously generous. Next year I plan to encourage people to do acts of kindness in his honor. I will ask them to share what they did w us if they feel comfortable. I know this would bring him joy! My fear is that too much time has passed for his friends and acquaintances to get involved and I feel mad at myself bc I really think they would have if we started from the beginning.
Dominic shares a lot of similar traits w my Christopher. I can appreciate what a hole that incredible energy is in a family. A hole that can never be filled.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dominic sounds like such an incredible person. I wish I had met him. He sounds similar to my son, Nick. Maybe they are friends in heaven. I’d like that.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Last year was Karis 30th birthday and I too wanted to mark it. Somehow it seemed extra special, possibly because it was the life expectancy we were always given for her. We expected to beat it well and truly, but of course that wasn’t to be. 😥
Initially I had BIG plans. About 6 months before I began planning a fundraising dinner, with a goal of raising enough money to start a new Mums and Babies home for Compassion (a Charity close to Kari’s heart and mine). It would be a beautiful tribute to Kari, who loved babies SO much, but never got to have her own.
Obstacles seemed to be constantly in the way, as plans changed to a fundraising lunch and then a picnic. (Kari loved picnics) In the end it was way too stressful and I reluctantly scrapped the whole fundraising idea.
After a little while to recover, I resurrected the idea of the picnic, but without the pressure of fundraising. I invited her close friends and relatives and we celebrated Kari. I had a cake and we mingled and told some Kari stories, but mostly just chatted and caught up. Kari’s godfather said to me “I thought it was really weird that you wanted to have a birthday party for Kari when she’s not even here, but it’s been really nice”. To be honest, I really didn’t care if people thought it was weird. I needed to do it. I think it’s the last “big” thing I’ll do in her name or in her memory, but that could change down the track.
Is there something Dominic loved to do, or eat, or enjoy that you could share on the day with family and close friends? I love the idea of gifting and raising money in their memory etc, but for me it came down to just remembering and celebrating my girl and the incredible blessing she was to me (and so many others)
I hope you will find something that feels “just right” for you. ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
On my sons birthday I go to a bakery and anonymously pay for someone else’s birthday cake in memory of my son.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I LOVE this idea!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
It will always be your Happy BIRTHing day Melanie. Celebrate his sunrise into his earthly life. I try hard to focus on the day he first was laid into my awaiting arms. As Christ welcomed him into his arms at his rebirth. John weighed 10# 2 ozs. At 46, his cremains where returned before we interned his ash’s back to the earth. I was crushed in grief, rocking that box and I realized the weight seemed so familiar. Yes, I did weigh the box 😢😢. Yes, it weighted 10#s 2 ozs. That day I found a little grace, gratitude in grief. Heavenly 30th Dominic. 🌅🕯💙🙏 Peace to your grieving heart Mama
LikeLiked by 1 person