I admit it: I’m a fixer.
It’s probably genetic (won’t mention any names!) but it has been reinforced by training and life experience.
When faced with a difficult or messy situation, my mind instantly rolls through an inventory of available resources and possible solutions.
And I tended to cut people off mid-sentence with my brilliant (?) plan to save the day.
But there are things you just can’t fix.
Read the rest here: Lessons in Grief: Learning to Listen
We’ve all experienced it and probably been guilty of it as well: listening with one ear while anxiously waiting to reply or to make a getaway.
I hate that.
What I LOVE is people who really listen.
I knew a woman once who made me feel as if whatever I was telling her at that moment was the most important thing in the world. She would look me in the eye, often take my hand, and never made even the slightest body movement to suggest she had things to do or people to see or anywhere else to go.
Even when we were talking about the most ordinary things.
I want to be like THAT.
I want to make every single heart that shares feel honored, loved, heard and safe.
I admit it: I’m a fixer.
It’s probably genetic (won’t mention any names!) but it has been reinforced by training and life experience.
When faced with a difficult or messy situation, my mind instantly rolls through an inventory of available resources and possible solutions.
And I tended to cut people off mid-sentence with my brilliant (?) plan to save the day.
But there are things you just can’t fix.
I knew that before Dominic ran ahead to Heaven but I mostly ignored it.
I can’t do that anymore.
So I’m learning to listen better. Learning to let others express the hard things that can’t be fixed so that their burden is a bit lighter for the sharing. I’m learning that silent hand holding or hugging or just looking someone in the eye instead of dodging their gaze is a great gift.
I’m learning that lending courage is possible. One heart can actually beat in synchrony with another and the duet is musical and magical strength.
I’m learning that there are too many voices shouting “solution!” and too few ears listening to the full expression of a problem.
I’m learning that often my rush to remedy is hurtful, not helpful.
I’m learning that time does not heal all wounds-there are many among us bearing injuries that may be decades old but have never been spoken aloud because no one would listen.
I’m learning that even the spoken stories need to be repeated often and with just as much emotion each time because the telling has a way of releasing pain all it’s own.
I’m convinced that if we were a society of listeners who slowed down just long enough to really HEAR other people’s stories we’d be a society with much less pent up anger, bitterness and other dark emotions.
I’m embracing the old saying, “God gave us two ears and one mouth so we should listen twice as much as we talk”.
Sometimes that means literally biting my tongue or placing my hand over my mouth.
But I’m trying not to waste this hard-bought lesson.
Need an ear?
I’m here. ❤
I use a pressure cooker when canning some things from the garden. It’s the only way to ensure food safety for low-acid, low-sugar foods.
It took me awhile before I could work up the courage to use that contraption-when a pot comes with warning labels about “check to make sure seal is intact before every use” and “always be certain pressure cock is seated properly and working”-well, that’ll make you think twice about how much you want canned beans come winter.
I imagined all kinds of awful scenarios the first time I fired up the stove under that big cooker. But none of them came to pass. Sixty minutes later and all was well.
I’ve thought a lot about my pressure canning days recently and how that pot is uniquely created to allow just enough steam to escape to keep it from exploding. Sure, it gets mighty hot (that’s the point-to kill the bacteria) but not so hot that it bursts into lethal metal shards all over the kitchen.
I feel like so many of us (bereaved parents or not!) are like that pressure cooker-boiling and roiling with heated emotions getting hotter and hotter and threatening to explode.
Some of us do.
It’s messy or even dangerous.
I’ve thought about how critical that relief valve is to the proper function of the pressure cooker and how people need relief valves too.
Some of us find relief through hobbies or exercise or journaling or praying. But many of us can only relieve our sense of building pressure by talking to another person.
We need to be HEARD and SEEN in order to let off steam.
We need someone to be the relief valve for our pent up feelings so they don’t spew uncontrollably over everyone and everything.
So when you are thinking about what YOU can do for someone going through a tough time, here’s a thought: Offer to meet them and let them talk. Just let them say whatever they need to say without correcting them or judging them or steering them toward safer topics of conversation.
Just listen.
Offer appropriate comments now and then so they know you are paying attention but let them empty their hearts of the pent up steam of strong emotions.
Then keep all the secrets they shared in your own heart. Don’t spread them around to others and don’t use them later as ammunition or leverage.
Listening is love in action.
Providing a safe space for a heart to let go is one of the best gifts of all. ❤
thelifeididntchoose 