In the decade plus I’ve written in this space, I tried hard to process before pressing “publish”.
I didn’t want my raw feelings or impressions spilled out across the world wide web regardless of the fashion of influencers and TikTok media moguls.
I wanted to give my friends and fellow travelers a considered perspective, a calmer voice, a kinder review of this rugged and unwelcome journey.
But I find myself unable to do that today.
I am overwhelmed, overworked, over stimulated and over tired. These last six months have been the most difficult since the first six months after Dominic left for Heaven.
The difference this time around is that there is no margin for grieving, no time for processing, no space for quiet and tiny personal pursuits that kept me sane and whole back then.
For the first time, showing up everyday here feels more like a burden than a privilege. I have so, so much to say but don’t want to vomit words. I want to craft them into a message that might help another heart.
This blog was never intended to substitute for my personal journal. It was always supposed to be a place where I skimmed the cream off the top of a full crock of experience, feelings and ruminations.
But in order to skim the cream, one has to have time to let the rest settle.
Currently, I am leaving one house and doing what I have to in order to head to the next. My suitcase has not been completely unpacked for over six months. I keep an emergency supply of underwear, medication and essential electronics ready to go at all times.
The rest I can buy when I get there.
If I’m with my grandjoys, I get texts and calls about my dad. When I’m with my dad, I get texts and calls about things at my home. When I’m home, I’m fielding requests from medical providers, caregivers and just trying to stock the fridge so my husband can eat when I leave again.
All this to say that I’m not sure I’ll be writing every day going forward.
I hope I can.
I’d love to maintain my nearly decade long record of not missing a day
But I’m not sure I will.
I appreciate every heart who has joined me here.
You’ve made a difference in my life.
Thank you. ❤
thelifeididntchoose 