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What’s Changed, What’s the Same, Ten Years Down the Road of Child Loss?

What’s changed and what is still the same ten years down the road of child loss?

I’ve thought about this a lot in the past few months as I prepared for, greeted and marked another year of unwelcome milestones since Dominic ran ahead to Heaven.

Some things are exactly the same:

Whenever I focus solely on his absence, my heart still cries, “Can he REALLY be gone?” I am STILL A Mess Some Days….
The pain is precisely as painful as the moment I got the news.
It’s just as horrific today to dwell on the manner of his leaving.
I miss him, I miss him, I miss him. I live every day with his Tangible Absence.
I am thankful for his life, for the opportunity to be his mama and for the part of me shaped by who he was.
The absolute weight of grief has not changed. The burden remains a heavy one.
Daily choices are the difference between giving up and going on. I have to make Wise Choices in Grief.
My faith in Christ and my confidence that His promises are sure is the strength on which I rely. I have been Knocked Down But Not Destroyed.
I passionately look forward to the culmination of all history when every sad thing will come untrue.

Some things are very different:

Dominic’s absence is no longer all I see.
Sorrow and pain are no longer all I feel.
I’ve learned to live in spite of the hole in my heart-his unique place isn’t threatened by allowing myself to love others and pouring my life into the people I have left.
Joy and sorrow are not mutually exclusive. They live together in my heart and I can smile and laugh again while still pining for a time when things were different and easier.
I am Stronger because I’ve carried this burden for years. I’ve learned to shift it from side to side.
The darkness has receded so that I see light once more. I’m not as prone to fall as fast down the dark hole of despair.
My heart longs for reunion but has also learned to treasure the time I have left here on earth.

I’ve never hidden the struggle and pain of this journey.

But I don’t want those who are fresh in grief to think that how they are feeling TODAY is the way they will feel FOREVER.

By doing the work grief requires, making wise choices and holding onto hope a heart does begin to heal.

I am not as fragile today as I was on the first day.

And I am so, so thankful for that. ❤

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Repost: Gratitude and Grieving

Gratitude does not undo grief.

There, I said it.

Gratitude is important. It is (in my opinion) a necessary ingredient for a healthy and hope-filled and useful life. It is the key to any real happiness a heart might find on this broken road.

But it cannot fill up the empty place where Dominic used to be.

Grief does not preclude gratitude.

Although some broken hearts swear it does.

Read the rest here: Gratitude and Grieving: Appreciating What I Have, Acknowledging What I Miss

Grace Has Brought Me Safe Thus Far

When I’m with my grandsons, I often lie down with them at bedtime and sing them to sleep.

The oldest is now seven and has heard all the verses of “Amazing Grace” probably hundreds of times.

It’s always been my go-to hymn.

The one that brings me the most comfort.

The one that has gotten me through my darkest hours.

❤

It’s funny-or maybe not-that God will weave a theme through a day or week or month.

He will put the same word in front of me in multiple places, speak it through different people, sometimes even (literally) plaster it across a billboard.

This morning it is grace.

Abundant, sufficient, enduring grace.

A precious friend is approaching her son’s first birthday in heaven. She writes about it here . In her post she says, “At one time I believed in the Doctrines of Grace…now I am certain. Because in my own strength, my own thoughts, my own power, I would have walked away.”

Yes! That’s it! In my own strength I would have walked away. The pain and sorrow and isolation and horror of burying my child would have driven me from the Presence of Christ.

But His grace keeps me near.

Another mama lamented that she did not know how she would survive missing her son. She’s fresh in her grief-not yet a year has passed since she said “good-bye”.

Oh, how I remember those early months! How it was a genuine struggle to simply get out of bed and face a new day knowing it was another 24 hours without the earthly companionship of my son.

I thought about how I was able to keep going and wrote this reply:

“I am so very sorry you are feeling overwhelmed and hopeless right now. After the sharp stab of loss, I think helplessness is the most frightening thing I have felt in this journey.

When I am overcome with the sense that I will never make it, that I can’t go on, that I am not going to be able to put one foot in front of the other for even one more hour, much less one more day-I cry out to Jesus and tell Him that.

I have never gotten an audible answer, or a miraculous phone call or a perfect note in the mail-BUT I think in the moment of absolute surrender, the moment when I know with certainty that I can not do this without His supernatural grace, mercy and strength, HE gives it to me.

Nothing changes.

I’m not whisked away to an island where things are better or different-my son is still gone-my heart still hurts, my mind cries out that I want him back.

But I receive the grace I need for that moment and I do take the next step.

After being the kind of person that always had a plan, a list, an idea of next week, next month-I’m now a person who lives right now.

That’s the only way I can make it.

Enough grace for right now.

Praying that the Lord overwhelms you with His love, grace and mercy and fills your heart with His hope when yours is gone.”

Immediately this verse of “Amazing Grace” came to mind:

And then Ephesians 2:

But even though we were dead in our sins God, who is rich in mercy, because of the great love he had for us, gave us life together with Christ—it is, remember, by grace and not by achievement that you are saved—and has lifted us right out of the old life to take our place with him in Christ in the Heavens. Thus he shows for all time the tremendous generosity of the grace and kindness he has expressed towards us in Christ Jesus. It was nothing you could or did achieve—it was God’s gift to you. No one can pride himself upon earning the love of God. The fact is that what we are we owe to the hand of God upon us. We are born afresh in Christ, and born to do those good deeds which God planned for us to do.

Ephesians 2:4-10 Phillips

It’s grace-start to finish.

So when I struggle to find my way, fear that I will lose it forever, question that a WAY even exists-

God in His

abundant,

sufficient,

and enduring grace,

draws my heart back to Himself.

You’ve Made More Progress Than You Might Think…

I share these musings every so often as much for myself as anyone else.

When we are in the thick of it-whether raising or mourning a child-it’s easy to forget that we are actually making progress.

Now, don’t hear “making progress” as “getting over” because there’s no getting over the death of a child. But there IS moving forward.

Because like it or not, life keeps on keeping on.

And more often than not, so do we.

So, precious heart, don’t despair that there may yet be miles to go. Look at all the miles you’ve covered and celebrate your strength, courage and endurance

I’m proud of you!

❤ Melanie

It’s so easy to focus on the miles left to travel and forget how far I’ve come.

Life has a habit of reminding me that there are hills yet to climb, emotional hurdles still to come and (the ever looming threat) gray hair, wrinkles and an aging body with which to tackle them.

But every now and then I remember to take stock of just how many miles I’ve already traveled.

I pause, sometimes with pad and paper, and recount the bends, twists, devastating events and challenging circumstances I’ve already navigated (some by the skin of my teeth and ALL by the grace of God!).

Doing that helps my heart hold on to hope.

It helps me take one more step, one more breath, last one more sunrise to sunset. It’s a way of speaking courage to myself when I’m afraid I won’t be able to endure and might give up before I complete my course.

So if you are, like me on some days, feeling undone by long years stretching ahead or a particularly hard season already upon you, may I ask you to think back, to take stock, to answer a few basic questions?

Are you getting up each morning and caring for yourself and/or others?
Are you fulfilling job obligations (if you’re employed outside your home)?
Have you lost a job, changed jobs, found a job, retired or relocated?
Are you sending birthday greetings to friends, family and children or grandchildren (even if they are belated!)?
Have you celebrated important milestones with those you love (even if you cried before, during or after)?
Have you planned a wedding, baby shower, birthday party or other public event?
Do you pay your bills?
Have you resisted the urge to turn to food, alcohol, drugs or any other destructive habit or behavior in an attempt to numb your pain?
Do you take the garbage out?
Have you taken a shower recently?
Are you connected to a faith community/bereaved parent group/small group of some kind?
Are you still married or with a long term partner even though grief may have strained the relationship?
Have you or are you caring for an ailing family member?
Are you buying groceries/preparing meals/or otherwise feeding yourself and others in your household?
Do you practice self-care (exercise, journaling, prayer/meditation, rest and proper nutrition)?
Has your home life shifted significantly (empty nest, boomerang kids, elderly parents moving in)?
Do you/have you addressed health concerns and are you following recommended and prescribed treatments?
Do you maintain contact with those you care about (phine, message, in person)?
Is there at least one thing you pursue that feels like a break from responsibility (reading, a hobby, pets, watching old movies…)?

Then you’ve covered miles, my friend.

You are making progress.

No matter how much is left to travel, you have it in you to make it! ❤

Winnie the Pooh Braver Than you Believe and Stronger Than You | Etsy

No Earthly Period on Grief

A bereaved mama recently shared that while watching a video lesson from a prominent, popular and prolific evangelical Bible teacher and pastor she was horrified to hear him say, “You need to put a period on your grief”.

Her husband walked out of the class.

I think I would have too.

Part of me wants to give grace to this Bible teacher and say that if he hasn’t lost a child (which, to my knowledge, he hasn’t) then he doesn’t know what he doesn’t know.

But the shepherd part of me wants to shake my finger in his face and say, “Shame on you! Shame on you for using your platform to shame others who are suffering from a loss you don’t understand!”.

He is entitled to his opinion but that does not reflect the totality of Scripture and certainly NOT the heart of God and Jesus.

Grief is a testimony to love.

It was God’s deep grief over sin and His unwillingness to allow eternal separation of His beloved creation from Himself that motivated and necessitated Christ’s sacrifice.

Aside from all the individual examples in the Bible (including Jesus Himself), this is the overarching theme of every book.

God pleads with HIs people to turn and return to Him.

The faithful father of the story of the prodigal son was always, always yearning and watching. He longed to have him back. Israel (Jacob) wouldn’t let the older brothers take Benjamin to Egypt because he was still tender from losing (from his perspective) Joseph ALL those years ago.

Jesus wept over Jerusalem because He longed to gather her in His arms.

No. Grief is as powerful as love.

There is no earthly period on grief.

The beauty of the Gospel is that in the end, all grief is washed away in the perfect Presence of God the Father and Jesus.

When we grieve, we are proving the power of love.

I Would Always Choose You

Some of us only felt tiny hands and feet pressing against the inside of our body.

Some of us saw first steps or first grade.

Some of us watched our child drive away to college certain it was the beginning of an adventure, not the beginning of the end.

Some of us have grandchildren reflecting back a smile or gesture or tone of voice that it so much like the one we miss.

All of us know what it is to lose more than any heart can bear-and yet we DO bear it-every. single. day.

None of us would give up whatever time we had even knowing how hard it is to go on without them. ❤

Some Leaves Fall Before Their Time

We think leaves fall when we turn the calendar page to Autumn months.

Piles of red, gold and orange land beneath trees that grow increasingly barren until one day they are truly naked.

But leaves begin to fall as early as July-hardly noticed because they drift down lonely, one by one.

No one is looking for them then.

And green grass grows tall to hide them.

We think people live to the fullness of years. They begin in spring and pass through all the seasons before the cold winter claims them.

But some survive only one season, or two–never enjoying the fruitful harvest of the latter years the younger years of hard work are meant to produce.

Unlike early falling leaves, early deaths are perceived and acknowledged.

Shocking and unexpected, people gather round to discuss the tragedy, the sorrow and the lost future of one who dies young.

But then they go away-caught up in the seasons of their own lives.

And the green grass grows tall to hide the ones who left too soon.

No one is looking for them anymore.

Child Loss and Self Care: Healthy Choices

My first instinct as a mother and a shepherd is always, “How can I help?”

I routinely set aside my own needs for the needs of others. Not because I’m so selfless but because that’s how I’m made-I’ve always had the heart of a caretaker.

That’s not a bad thing, most of the time.

But if taking care of others means NOT taking care of myself, then in the end, I’m of no use to anyone. When I allow every bit of energy-emotional, physical, psychological and spiritual-to drain away until there’s nothing left, I am unable to meet my most basic needs, much less the needs of others.

I’ve written before that grief puts a hole in my bucket. It guarantees that no matter how much is poured in, I’m never truly full.

I’ve also written about setting boundaries and trying to preserve margin as I walk this Valley. I have to create space between me and the people around me if I’m going to make it through.

But there are some other steps I can take to help ensure my heart is strong enough for the journey. It’s not always about what I don’t do.

Sometimes it’s about what I choose TO do.

Here are some ideas for self-care in grief (or really ANY hard place in life):

Be patient with yourself. There is no time frame for grief. Each heart is unique. Extend grace to yourself, just as you would to a friend. Try not to take on extra responsibilities. It’s better to allow for some flexibility in obligations during this time (even around holidays!).
Listen to your body and your heart: If you need to cry, then cry. If you need to sleep, then do so. If you need to talk to someone, seek out someone who will listen. If you need to reminisce, then take the time. It is important for the grieving process that you go with the flow.
Lower expectations for yourself and communicate this new reality to others. You are not able to operate as you did before loss. Your capacity for interacting with others, managing tasks and being available for the needs of others has been dramatically altered. Own up to it, and let others know that it will be some time before you can shoulder the responsibilties you once did.
Let others know what you need from them. No one is a mind reader. While we who are bereaved think our needs are obvious, it’s simply not the case. Communicate to family and friends how they can support you.
Accept the help of others. Understand that grief is hard work. It requires a great deal of energy and can be exhausting. Even though we place a high value on self-sufficiency, it is important to ask for, and accept, help from those close to you. Others careand genuinely want to be of assistance, but usually do not know what to specifically offer. In particular, it is vital to know who will listen and be supportive. Sharing your story out loud is one key to healing. And, remember that professional guidance is also available
If you need counseling, get it! There is NO shame in asking for help. Get all the support you need. There are many bereavement support groups as well as counselors or spiritual advisors who specialize in bereavement counseling. Don’t hesitate to contact a medical and or mental health specialist if you have feelings of hopelessness or suicidal thoughts.
Accept your feelings. Feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are. Sadness, loneliness, fear, confusion, anger—these are among the many feelings you may experience, and are completely normal. Emotions are often raw early in the grief process, but it is important to express them. Attempting to stifle feelings usually leads to an emotional outburst at an inconvenient time.
Face your feelings. The painful emotions associated with grief are a natural and normal response to loss. You can try and suppress them or hide from them all you want but in the end this will only prolong the grieving process. Acknowledging your pain and taking responsibility for your feelings will help you avoid the complications often associated with unresolved grief such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems.
Express your feelings. The most effective way to do this is through some tangible or creative expression of your emotions such as journalling, writing a letter expressing your apologies, forgiveness and the significant emotional statements you wish you had said, or art projects celebrating the person’s life or what you lost.
Keep a journal. Writing down your thoughts and feelings can help you to validate and work through your grief.
Feel whatever you feel. It’s okay to be angry, to yell at God, to cry or not to cry. It’s also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, or to let go when you’re ready. Your grief is your own and no one can tell you when you should be “over it” or when to “move on.”
Pay attention to physical needs. It’s easy to ignore your health when all you want to do is give up and give in. However, it is even more important NOW to take care of yourself. Eat balanced meals (set an alarm if you have to), try to get adequate rest (get medication if you need to) and make sure to get in some physical activity every day (set a timer if necessary).
- Get physical exercise. If you exercised prior to your loss, try to maintain the same routine. If you did not exercise prior to your loss visit your doctor before embarking on a physical exercise routine. Physical exercise can improve the way you feel.
Eat right and get enough sleep. Maintaining a healthy diet and getting proper sleep is essential for functioning as well as you can. If you are having difficulty with either, visit your doctor.
Be aware of short-term relievers – these can be food, alcohol/drugs, anger, exercise, TV, movies, books, isolation, sex, shopping, workaholism, etc. Most of these things are not harmful in moderation but when used to cover-up, hide or suppress our grief they get in the way of the work grief requires.
Take the time to do the things you need to do for yourself. When you feel up to it, engage in activities to which you feel drawn. It could be visiting a place you haven’t been to in a while, walks in nature, reading, etc.
Pamper yourself. Treat yourself well. Do things for yourself that are helpful like walks, being with people who are nurturing to you, and inexpensive activities

Grief is a lifelong process-a marathon, not a sprint.

Maintaining space to do the work grief requires and engaging in activities and health habits that help me do that work is the only way to endure.

Child Loss and Self Care: Preserving Limited Energy

We like to think we are invincible, full of infinite energy and able to handle anything life may throw at us. It’s understandable considering Western society places a premium on heroic endurance in the face of adversity or challenge.

Truth is, though, our emotional, physical and mental energy are not infinite. We ALL have an absolute rock bottom where we simply cannot do one. more. thing.

And living with child loss means I exhaust my resources sooner than many.

I love this concrete representation of my limitations. It has helped me understand that it’s OK to say, “no” and it’s human to have to.

I hope it gives you courage to do the same.

❤ Melanie

I thought I would follow up yesterday’s post with another one to help folks recognize when they NEED to rest.

I don’t know about you but I have a hard time figuring that out sometimes.

One approach that has helped me is something called “Spoon Theory”.

Spoon Theory was first described (as far as I know) by Christine Miserandino of butyoudontlooksick.com.

The original article pertains to chronic illness. But when I stumbled across it a couple years ago it really clicked with me.

The basic idea is that everyone starts with a finite number of “spoons” representing the energy, attention and stamina that can be accessed for any given day. When you do something, you remove a spoon (or two or three) based on the effort required. When you have used up all your spoons, you are operating at a deficit.

Like a budget, you can only do that so long before you are in big trouble.

The only change I would make is to say that in the first months and years, most bereaved parents have far fewer than 12 spoons.

Grief uses at least half of them by itself.

But it’s helpful for me to recognize that I do not have an infinite supply of energy and stamina regardless of what I think has to be done or how many more hours there are in a day. I’ve written about that in this earlier post: Emotional Bankruptcy: I Can’t Spend the Same Energy Twice

And I think it’s a great graphic to show to family and friends so they can understand why we simply CAN’T do everything we used to do.

Child Loss and Self Care: Choosing to Rest

It’s hard sometimes to admit that I’ve reached the end of my physical strength.

I’m much more adept at finding the edges of my emotional limits. I’m even half-way good at understanding that my brain just isn’t what it used to be.

But giving up on getting up? That feels like defeat to me.

But it’s not.

I am a fragile human being and just like all human beings have limits. My body can only take so much. If I push too far past the boundary of exhaustion it will take more than rest to bring it back to working order.

So today, after months of stress, mental strain and travel, I’m resting.

Not just sitting down for a few minutes between chores but curling up with a book and glass of tea and not moving all day.

At least that’s my plan.

We’ll see how it goes.

I really need to rest.

I hope I can.

Child Loss and Holidays 2026: Forgiveness and Healthy Boundaries

Holidays definitely challenge boundaries, don’t they?

Even in healthy relationships it’s easy to feel manipulated into going places and doing things we are ordinarily able to resist.

Often someone may accuse us of “unforgiveness” when we choose to set a healthy boundary.

We can absolutely forgive someone and still decide there are limits.

I do not believe that in offering genuine forgiveness I am required to again submit myself to another person’s hurtful or sinful behavior.

I do believe that forgiveness releases that person from past offenses against me but it does not release them to continue to wound my heart.

And I will stand up any time, anywhere and defend my. right to create healthy boundaries between my heart and someone who has proven, time and again, that they intend to do just that.

What does this look like in real life?

It means that I can call, write or tell someone that I truly forgive them for whatever pain they have caused me in the past. That frees MY heart.

But if that person refuses to change his or her behavior, I am not obligated to allow them close enough to hurt me again.

It is NOT proof of an unforgiving heart to set up healthy boundaries.

It is wisdom.

So I don’t have to invite them to every event. I don’t have to allow them to corner me at gatherings where we both may attend. I don’t have to tell them all the news in my life or include them in my circle of closest comrades.

I can be polite. I will refuse to spread malicious gossip about them and not continue to talk about the old wounds for which I’ve forgiven them.

When my heart tries to resurrect the forgiven offenses, I will remind it that those are no longer relevant. I will not let bitterness overtake me.

There’s a compelling and beautiful anecdote about Corrie Ten Boom and forgiveness:

After WW II, Corrie traveled Europe speaking on the grace of God found even in Ravensbruck, the concentration camp where she was imprisoned and in which her sister died.

After one such talk, a German man came up to her and mentioned that he had been a guard at that camp. Corrie recognized him though he, of course, did not recognize her.

He thanked her for what she shared and put out his hand to shake hers. At that moment, she knew what she SHOULD do, but she did not want to do it. She did not want to touch this man’s hand and offer forgiveness for what many felt was utterly unforgivable.

But God convicted her heart and in obedience she extended her hand. She speaks of how she felt the Lord’s love and forgiveness wash over her and flow through her when she acted in obedience.

She never saw him again.

But for many of us, we continue to see and rub shoulders with the ones who have wounded us.

And if Corrie had again been forced into a concentration camp, she would not have been wrong to go kicking and screaming.

Forgiving that German guard did not excuse what he had done nor did it mean that if he was intent on repeating it that she (or anyone else) had to simply go along.

You do not have to allow another person to use you as a punching bag. You do not have to subject your heart to verbal or emotional abuse. You do not have to prove the sincerity of your forgiveness by enabling continued bad behavior.

That’s neither wise nor helpful.

Boundaries are OK.

They are necessary.

And they do not mean you haven’t forgiven someone.

Child Loss and Holidays 2026: What IS Forgiveness?

Part of preparing for the holidays is getting ready to face folks who we might have successfully avoided the rest of the year.

Many times we choose not to include them in daily life because they have wounded us in the past or are continuing to wound us in the present.

It’s hard to forgive someone who doesn’t want to change or who isn’t even remotely interested in having a conversation about how they have hurt our heart.

But the truth is, forgiveness frees ME from the tyranny of waiting for THEM to be different.

So, in the hopes of helping others who, like myself, sometimes struggle with feelings of unforgiveness, I’m sharing a few posts I’ve written on the topic.

It’s an area I have to work on often and especially this time of the year when I am forced to rub shoulders with those I prefer to keep at arm’s length.

A few years ago someone asked me for my definition of forgiveness.

It caught me off guard.

She had been sharing details of a very painful situation with someone who is clearly intent on making her life difficult “just because”.

I had to think about it.

After a few seconds I told her that at its most basic level, I thought forgiveness was completely releasing another from the debt of making things right, making amends or changing in their intentions or behavior toward me.

And then I realized it was precisely what I thought even though I’d never framed it exactly like that before.

I’ve sat with my words for a several days now and I have a few more thoughts.

My definition may lack precision in terms of theology but it is absolutely congruent with lived experience.

It bridges the gap I (and many others) feel between what feels like real forgiveness (releasing the debt) and also still not trusting a particular individual enough to allow them in my life.

I can’t imagine a single soul walking in this world for very long without having at least someone wound them deeply. And it’s no good just trying to ignore the pain or paper it over or distract yourself from it. I eventually find it gnaws a hole in my heart.

When that happens, it’s necessary (for my own mental, emotional and spiritual health) to face it and deal with it.

That’s when the choice to forgive can release the energy that will otherwise be expressed in bitterness or anger or sarcasm or avoidance or unfulfilling and often harmful choices.

If I forgive-release another from the debt of making things right or making amends or changing in their intentions or behavior toward me-then I am no longer held hostage to what they do or don’t do, say or don’t say.

It is real and freeing.

Doing that, I can more accurately evaluate whether the individual is a safe one whom I can allow back into my life:

Is their behavior consistent?
Are their intentions good and loving or hurtful and mean?
Can I trust them?

You do not have to allow them back in if they are not worthy of that privilege.

So, so many bereaved parents have been wounded in so, so many ways.

Sometimes by those they love. Sometimes by strangers who contributed to the death of their child. Sometimes by others who have made it difficult or impossible to do the work grief requires.

Those that inflict the wounds may be repentant or they may not.

That’s outside our control.

But we all have the opportunity to make the choice to release the debt and free ourselves of the ongoing burden of caring whether they are sorry or not.

And that is work well done.

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