Grief sways to a rhythm of its own–hard to follow, impossible to second guess.
I step on my toes trying to keep up and find that often I fall flat on my face.
When Dominic applied to the University of Alabama Law School, he had to submit a personal statement. The idea was to give the selection committee insight into intangibles that might make a prospective student a good candidate for the program.
Dominic wrote about being a drummer.
He made the case that percussion is the heartbeat of music. It marks the pace, leads the way. If a drummer misses a beat, it can throw the whole band into confusion.
My life as a bereaved mother feels like music that can’t find its way.
There is melody and harmony and sometimes sweet singing–but I can’t discern a rhythm and I don’t know where it’s going. Discord clangs loudly in the background.
These years were supposed to be the ones where I swayed instinctively in well-worn paths to familiar tunes.
Not ones in which I had to learn a brand new step to a song I don’t even like.
But dance I must, so I do my best to move to this broken rhythm.
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thelifeididntchoose 
“…so I do my best to move to this broken rhythm.” Just read that, sucked in a breath and got teary in the flash of a second. So true and so ‘crazy’ what ‘gets to’ me on any given day, at any given moment. Maybe it’s because we, too, are a musical family and Andrew played different instruments too, though not the drums like your Dominic. Ironically, you posted this the first time, just 6 days after our Andrew went to heaven. 4 years into this journey, I’m still doing ‘my best to move to this broken rhythm’, but it still takes great strength and energy, some days more than others! Thank you again Melanie, for your poignant words and insight into bereaved parenthood.
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Oh, Donna! I think we will always feel a little out of step with this broken rhythm. I’m learning better how to stumble and still look like I’m dancing but I’m not really any better at it than I was in the beginning-simply more used to it. I woke early this morning to an awful dream and can’t go back to sleep. Five and a half years later and my mind is still unsettled with the idea one of my children is never walking through my front door again. You are such an encouragement to me. I’m so sorry for how we met, but I love your heart and I hope Andrew and Dominic are singing together around the Throne. ❤
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