What Grieving Parents Want Others to Know

People say, “I can’t imagine.

But then they do.

They think that missing a dead child is like missing your kid at college or on the mission field but harder and longer.

That’s not it at all.

It isn’t nostalgia for a time when things were different or better or you talked more: it’s a gut-wrenching, breath-robbing, knee-buckling, aching groan that lives inside you begging to be released.

There is no smooth transition up the ladder of grief recovery so that you emerge at the top, better for the experience and able to put it behind you.

We’ve all heard the much touted theory that grief proceeds in the following stages:

  • denial
  • anger
  • bargaining
  • depression
  • acceptance

And people (who haven’t experienced grief) tend to think it’s a straight line from one stage to another, gradually going from bottom to top and then on with life.

But it just isn’t true.

Reality is, these “stages” coexist and fluctuate back and forth from day to day and even hour to hour.

Grief remakes you from the inside out.

Losing a child has made me rethink everything I believe and everything I am.  It has changed and is changing my relationship with myself and with others in ways I couldn’t imagine and often don’t anticipate.

And it is hard, hard work.

Life around us doesn’t stop.  Grieving parents return to work, continue to nurture their surviving children, keep getting up in the morning and taking care of daily details.

We are doing all the things others do, but we are doing them with an added weight of sorrow and pain that makes each step feel like wading through quicksand.

We want you to know we are doing the best we can.

Life without my child is like having a leg amputated–I am forced to learn to manage without it, but everything will always be harder and different. And it will be this way for the rest of my life.

The one thing a grieving parent DOESN’T want you to know is how it feels to bury your child.

I don’t want anyone else to know what it means to leave part of your heart and a chunk of your life beneath the ground.

“But please: Don’t say it’s not really so bad. Because it is. Death is awful, demonic. If you think your task as a comforter is to tell me that really, all things considered, it’s not so bad, you do not sit with me in my grief but place yourself off in the distance away from me. Over there, you are of no help. What I need to hear from you is that you recognize how painful it is. I need to hear from you that you are with me in my desperation. To comfort me, you have to come close. Come sit beside me on my mourning bench.”

Nicholas Wolterstorff   LAMENT FOR A SON

 

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

62 thoughts on “What Grieving Parents Want Others to Know”

  1. After Jason died, we had a friend who kept telling us over and over how hard it was to have her only son go away to college. She kept telling us about the all angel food cake she would eat because she was so upset he was leaving her. She thought I would understand the depth of her grief because I also knew what it was like to “lose” a son. It took everything in my being not to say, “Your son will come home!! Mine won’t!! Your son will graduate from college! Mine won’t! Your son will fall in love, get married, have children – your grandchildren!! Mine won’t!! Your son will be able to do so many things that my son won’t!! Please don’t ask me to feel great sorrow that your son is going away to college.” I’m glad I didn’t say anything. It wouldn’t have done any good, I don’t think. When you’re grieving the death of a child, you have to pick your battles and choose where you want to put your energy. I just had to let it go.

    Melanie, thank you once again for your insightful posts.

    ~Becky

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    1. I know, Becky-yes, you have to pick your battles. I took so many people out of my FB newsfeed because I couldn’t stand the posts about “losing” children to college, high school, moving away as adults, and on and on. As the months have passed, I’ve been able to extend grace more often than not. But sometimes….Praying for all of us walking this awful path. Thank you for the encouragement and help along the way.

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  2. Beautifully said. My 25 year old daughter Sarah died on June 8, 2015 of a rare form of cancer. She died 4 months after her diagnosis. She had been married for 83 days at that time to a man who forced her signature on the marriage application while she was on a ventilator in ICU and barely conscious. Since her death he has brought us a box of things I do not recognize and nothing else. He won’t even tell us where her ashes are. I am grieving the loss of so many memories he has kept by keeping her things as well as grieving the loss of her. It is a cruelty I wish for no one to face but in reality it is all to common.

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  3. Melanie, thank you for sharing your pain and loss. My 1st born son was killed in a motorcycle accident 14 yrs ago and everything you said about it is true. My son-in-law was killed on an ATV 2 yrs ago and when his Mother came for the services etc, I didn’t have the heart to tell her the truth about what her life would be like from then on. I prayed the shock would stay with her until she could bear it, and maybe the knowledge that I had survived it would give her some encouragement. I knew she would discover the truth soon enough. Our life, our dance , is our own . Only we know the steps and hear the music to it. Others will come into and out of our dance and the music will go on until we do that final dance alone. I try to dance so my children and grandchildren and others would learn to love again.

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    1. Nancy,
      I am so very sorry that we share this grief burden. I understand your reticence to tell another mother what it was going to be like–your commitment to live in such a way as to encourage those around you to continue to love is a tribute to your mother heart and to your son. May God give you the strength you need each day.

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  4. There is just nothing like finding other members of the “club no one wants to be a part of.” It is an instant bond and so bittersweet, because, as you said, you wish this grief on no one. Glad to have found your blog. Writing/blogging for me, too, has been incredibly helpful. We are almost four and half years into this journey of child loss. I cherish the new relationships I’ve made along the way. They’ve been such a life line. Thank you for writing honestly and vulnerably. Blessings to you.

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  5. I can’t really believe that I am sharing this with complete strangers because, I’ve barely shared this with people close to me so please listen and DO NOT judge me PLEASE …. I too have lost a child and I suffer from depression, guilt, sadness, anxiety, PTSD you name it I’ve got it ! Here’s my shameful sad story….. I was 18 years old living with a boyfriend and after one year I got pregnant by him. At first the first signs of being pregnant like being sleepy all the time ,throwing up,being in pain all the time etc..but,at the time I honestly thought the guy I was with game me an STD. At one point I thought he gave me AIDS but,remember I was only 18 I was still a teen and I really didn’t know much better. My ATTITUDE back then was I don’t want to have a baby so, I won’t get pregnant. Boy was I wrong! Now when I finally went to the Dr.to get checked for STDs ,I ended up finding out I was pregnant!!!! My life crashed in front of me,how was I going to do this barely surviving myself!?!?! And because I continued to have my monthly period being pregnant NEVER once crossed my thoughts! When I found out I was already going a little past my first trimester, and when I confronted my boy friend at that time he turned on me… He said stuff like I don’t want a baby,I DON’T even love you,I don’t even want to be with you anymore! Ugh …then his drunk mother started in on me calling me harassing me calling me curse words and reminding just how much her son didn’t love me. It was awful. I was being thrown out of our apartment we shared and forced to go back and live with my mom ,where she lived with the man that sexually molested me from age 7-12 and I couldn’t bare to have my own baby there with this evil man. So,I went to see about an abortion and the people there told me that I only had a little less than a week to decide because, I was getting to the point where I wouldn’t be able to have an abortion done. It cost $ a lot of $ and the monster of a boyfriend I had lent me $50.00 towards it( how thoughtful right!) We’ll sadly and ashamed I went to the abortion clinic and as they started to put me under I yelled out to the lady “I CHANGED MY MIND!” And they still did it!!!! I was so crushed when I WOKE UP from the procedure or murder whatever you want to call it. It’s all the same in my heart. For years I’ve suffered with this guilt and I’ve grieved over it and even tried to commit suicide over it .As I got older and had my children 3of them ,that’s when it hit me AGAIN! And as I watch them grow I can’t stop thinking of the child I caused myself to lose.IF I never went there, I would have this child in my life. I cry a lot when my husband is asleep and I PRAY a lot to God to forgive me because, this guilt I carry around in my heart has been a slow death to me. It kills me a little each and every day!I sure some or all will say I DESERVE all of this, I can’t lie I know I do deserve it too. But, I really am sorry for my mistake and I really suffer from the loss of my child. I was 18 and I know that doesn’t make an excuse for my actions but,if I knew what was going to happen and that I was going to change mind during it I promise I wouldn’t of ever walked through the clinics doors that day! I PRAY God forgives me and restores my broken heart and soul.The day this happened a huge part of me also died. I’ve never been the same.I’m not saying my story is even on any of your levels but,pain is pain and I can relate to that. Sincerely, broken

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    1. Lisa, I am so very sorry for your pain. I have worked with women suffering from post-abortion trauma in the past–may I suggest you look for a Pregnancy Resource Center in your area? They may also be known as Sav-a-Life Pregnancy Center. The women there are trained to help you walk through your guilt, shame, trauma and pain. YOU ARE NOT BEYOND THE GRACE of a loving God! He hears your cry of repentance and He will forgive. Thank you for being brave. Please let someone in that can help you. May grace and mercy overwhelm you. I’ll be praying for you. ~Melanie

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    2. Lisa, I assure you that God has heard your prayer! He HAS forgiven you! I want you to remember that Christ took that “sin” to the cross too. He knows the pain you feel. He understands the regret, grief, guilt, and other feelings you have been dealing with over these past years. Nothing, not even an abortion, can separate you from Him!
      I understand the fear of being pregnant and alone. I too considered abortion…I mean no one would ever have to have known that I was pregnant. But, as you have shown, I would have known. I thank God that I didn’t go that route. I don’t know what I would have chosen had I been 18 instead of 28. I had a carreer and as you can see, was older. You probably think, that being older, I should have know better. I should have, in fact I did, but…
      It breaks my heart to know that you have suffered so much for an action that you really didn’t understand in full.
      Hearing your heartache brought back the memories of 33 years ago.
      I am so very sorry that you had to go through all of this, and still are going through the memories of the abortion and loss of your baby.
      Please know that I care! And be assured, that one day when we are with our God in our heavenly home, you will be free of the pain and you will be united with your baby once again.
      You are His dear child, He will never leave you, and you are not alone.

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    3. All God wants is you to ask for forgiveness. You have, so you are forgiven. Now, you must forgive yourself. You were a child making grown up decisions. Just remember, that Jesus forgave everyone who asked. All of us have committed terrible sins, and it is very hard to forgive ourselves too. You are forgiven. God blessed you with three other children, and your baby is waiting in Heaven when your time comes. Maybe you can volunteer to counsel girls who don’t know what to do with their pregnancy. Use your knowledge of the past and help others, that may be why you are here, your mission. Bless you and prayers for you.

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    4. Lisa, there is no doubt in my mind that God has forgiven you. It is time to truly forgive yourself. Pray for the grace to be able to do that. And pray also to your unborn child, who loves you completely, to help you to heal.

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  6. For 27 yrs I’ve felt this pain… My daughter was taken from me when she was 2 months 17 days… She died of SIDS. She was my only girl… She has 3 older bothers. My life totally changed when we lost her. I am a single mother and was one then too. Throughout my grief I made some horrible mistakes. I turned to drugs and alcohol to help me. But it only made everything worse…. I lost all my kids because of the choices I made. My sons suffered so much. So did I. Numerous times I tryed to join her, for 25 yrs I stayed like this. In and out of jail, rehab and AA. The grief was to much for me. I just wanted my baby girl….. I am native American, and in our culture ( ojibwe) we are told not to cry for our lost ones. That our tears will keep them here. And they won’t go home to our Creator and other family members. So for the longest time I wouldn’t cry. Just when I was drunk or high. Then I would feel guilt and shame for crying and trying to keep her here. I would then turn to drugs an alcohol for relief from that guilt an shame. So it would start all over again. These past two yrs I have been sober an drug free. I gave my life to the Creator. I cry still for my daughter but I don’t feel the guilt an shame I used too. I know she is home with her Creator and our family. Crying won’t stop that. For me crying is water, water is healing. I am healing!!! I miss my Colleen – Dionne, I always will. But life is better for me now and with my Creators help it will stay that way. RIP Colleen-Dionne. I love u always!!

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    1. Eunice, I’m so sorry for your loss. I am thankful that you gave your life to the Creator and that you are free of drugs and alcohol. I pray that grace and mercy are your close companions and that the Creator gives you the strength you need for each day until you are reunited with your precious daughter in His arms.

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  7. Grief is a journey and you touch on some heart-wrenching aspects of the process. Thank you for your candor and sharing something so close and personal and part of you forever.

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  8. We lost my beautiful son David 1-1-13, 30 years old and our first born. I can not express how much pain, brokenness, and guilt I have. I read thru your many small articles and for the first time since we lost David I seen myself in your words. Im also a women of faith and believe in the power of prayer. We raised our children in church. We were youth leaders, sang in the choir, it was a major part of our like and still is. BUT I feel my very foundation has been shaken. I just want to thank you for your words. They had discribed how I feel and think. Again Thank You.

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    1. Charlene, I am so very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing part of your story with me. I think that many of us “in the church” are never forced to really think hard about our ideas regarding God, Christ, heaven and life and death. In the United States it is possible to live a long life and never really face an untimely or unexpected death of someone close to us. May mercy and grace overwhelm you and may God give you the strength you need for each new day. It is a hard, hard road but we walk it with Jesus.

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  9. We lost our only son almost 16 years ago. We now land more softly each year in our grief journey than before. The significant dates are still hard, especially the weeks before but even those are less painful now. My survival is stronger. I don’t grieve any less, I have just created a NEW relationship with my son. I know the reality of death, no denial there ! Years ago, another grieving mother said that’s how she deals, having a new and different relationship with her son. It comforts me too. I also take comfort in keeping his photos out, wearing something of his (we all do), easily talk about him, remembering his sense of humor and his awful puns, his accomplishments, and stories of wilderness adventures in Alaska, and how clever and capable he was. Smiles have replaced most tears. But if I need to cry a bucketful, I will. He is forever 35 but always my baby. That’s how it is for parents. Our son died from suicide that no one saw coming, a depression that no one noticed, one that could have been temporary if diagnosed, but instead quickly turned deadly. All of our losses have side side issues which present us with great challenges as we reach to understand. Keep talking to those who will listen but not judge or offer senseless advice. No, God did not want my son more than I did, and it was not just his time. No, I will not get over it, and no I will never say goodbye or move on. My son LOVED life despite its tragic end. We continue to honor his life and embrace everything about him as he is always nearby, even touchable in the things that are tangibly here to love. And in case anyone is concerned of losing the sound of your loved ones voice and see their smile again, just close your eyes and you will always see and hear them. All these years later I still do! I can hear him say, “Hi Mom”, as clear as the days he said it! Peace and comfort to all of you as you go through your personal and unique journeys. If you get horribly stuck on your road to the point of depression, please seek help. A good grief counselor and your physician can both help when family and friends aren’t enough. If you’re open to it, local support groups or even safe on-line groups are also so helpful as most others in grief understand. You are not alone in this. Never deny yourself that extra attention and do remember that we all grieve differently, but sharing ideas and support go a long way to help. I did all of those things and it helped my broken Motherheart survive over the years. This writing is not advise, and is only how I survived and continue on my grief journey in the most positive way I know, for me. Yes, I’m forever changed, but despite my greatest loss, my life is also full of joy. Those first years I could not have said that. However, hope was always in my heart and perseverience prevailed. Best wishes and prayers to all.

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    1. Thank you for sharing your journey and perspective from one who has travelled longer on the road of grief than I have. You have a number of practical suggestions that I hope others will take note of as they work out their own grief. I, too, take great comfort in using some of my son’s things and keep others in a prominent place as touchstones for my heart. May God bless you as you carry on until the day you see him again.

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  10. I’ve always loathed when people compare losing a child to having a leg amputated because that really minimizes just how painful losing a child is. I’d gladly give all 4 of my limbs up if I could have my child back. Having a leg amputated would be a cake walk compared to never seeing your child again on this earth. And making that comparison sends messages to people who don’t know this pain that, well, if losing a child is like having a leg amputated, then just get a prosthetic and move on.

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    1. I agree that amputation of a limb is not an equivalent to losing my son. But I think that it is a good analogy for those that have never experienced the death of their own child. Even with a prosthetic limb, your gait is forever changed and you can never look down at your body and see it as it once was. You can’t grow it back and you can’t undo it. I appreciate your comment. Thanks for sharing it. I’m so very sorry that you, too, bear the burden of child loss.

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  11. My 21month old daughter drowned while her father and I were at the hospital getting ready to welcome her little brother into the world. My sons birthday is the worse day of our life. How fair is that to him? He didn’t even get a chance to meet her. We go day by day. Some days I find it really hard to look at him and not think how it should be right now. Reading this was nice, I lost a “friend” a week after we placed our daughter to rest. This “friend” made a comment that no one in their right mind would of said to a person that just buried their child. But, she said it and I cut her out of my life. I didn’t need her to drag me further down than I already was

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    1. I’m so very sorry for your loss. There is no easy way to walk in this world without our precious child by our side. I’m sorry your friend was unkind. SO many people say stupid things because they either don’t know what to say or because they are trying to fend off the fear that the unthinkable could happen to them. It’s unfair and unfortunate, but they do. Praying you will have the strength to endure.

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  12. November 10th 2014 my 28 year old cousin was murdered. I can still hear the sound in my uncles voice telling me she had been shot and all that cops told him is it bad. I can still see the pain in his eyes the fight in him leave as the doctor told us that she wasn’t going to make it. That the bullet did to mich damage to her brain….

    She may have only been my cousin but she was so much more then that.. the amount of heartache I feel over this at times is almost unbearable. I don’t know how any of you do it just like I don’t know how my uncle does it. But all you mothers and Fathers who have lost a child, I look up to you and admire you for the strength you all have to get up and face this world with out them. As bad as this hurts I don’t think I could handle/take the loss as well as you all….
    Its been 14 months now N I still don’t lile talking Bout her when my uncle is around cuz of the hurt and pain I see when she is mentioned like the life just leaves him… i realised on the 1 year anniversary that all those people who say with time it gets better the hell it does. It hurts just as bad today is it did that day it happend…I’m starring to think it will never be ok again…..any way thank you for sharing thiz and j am for sire going to send my aunt your blog maybe it will help my uncle…

    R.I.P. Leticia Ann Faller
    12/5/85 – 11/10/14

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    1. Jennifer, I don’t think it gets “better” either–we just get stronger the longer we carry this weight of grief. But it can open our hearts to the pain of others in a way that we could never have experienced before–I have prayed since the day my son was killed that I would fill the empty places with love, mercy and grace and never bitterness. I pray the same for you and your aunt and uncle.

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  13. I lost my 25 year old daughter from heroin addiction September 24, 2015. ..She was a bright beautiful girl who got addicted to prescription meds that led to heroin. Thank you for this powerful article… 💜

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  14. My heart skipped a beat the first time I saw you the day you were born my heart also skipped a beat the day you went to heaven I love you Nick ❤️I lost my 17 year old son Nick 7 years ago. Not a day goes by that doesn’t feel like it was just 7 mins ago. Some days are easier then others the bad days I feel like I was hit head on by a Mack truck loose my breath and almost feel as if my heart stops or skips a few beats. The better of days I think only happen when I block my son out like he didn’t exist. I don’t intentionally fo this its just what I have learned I have done over the 7 years I have two other boys that were a lot younger than my oldest son and I have also noticed in the past since Nick passed I do t create memories with them I don’t take pictures and am not very emotional towards them hug kiss be sides good night or good bye to school that’s all I allow myself to share. It has made me even sadder to learn I have done these things since and I don’t want to be. I talk to my son all the time and I know he hears me . My son didn’t want to die and I know to this day he’s in heaven trying to cut a deal with God to come back to see me and his friend dean just for a minute . He was such a good kid with a big loving heart he had no prejudices and was a friend to so many he is greatly missed by them all and has made many memories for us all to share and laugh about as well as cry I feel the hole in my heart from that moment I got the call saying my son is no longer here but is now my angel until we meet again it will always be there and never will I be the person I had been. there are no comforting words that make it any better no solutions to make it easier and no cures to heal the pain. RIP TO ALL OF YOUR CHILDREN OUR ANGELS ABOVE 😔❤️ Nicholas David Gladstone 03-10-91 10-22-08

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    1. I am so very sorry for your loss. And it sounds like you have suffered secondary losses as well–it is so hard to expose our hearts again once we have esperienced the deep and lasting pain of losing a child. I pray that you will be able to make yourself vulnerable and engage with your living children so that they will benefit from your strong mother love.

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  15. Thank you for this wonderful post and I will be reading the previous ones too! Your insights are so helpful and reassuring. I’ve been writing about my son’s death on my blog, but I am just beginning to learn how to talk about it, I am learning to go on , I have lots of happiness in my life and I have learned that joy and pain can co-exist, But it is so very hard. Thank you so much!

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  16. wow,when your not in this situation you dont really know how someone really feels, I couldnt imagine losing a child, reading this made me realize this really effects every aspect of your entire life, and it doesnt end, you are expected to just go on with your life and your job as if nothing ever happened (well after a while) but how? I couldnt imagine. So sorry for your loss.

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    1. Thank you so very much for your kind words. That is the motivation for sharing my pain–before I lost a child I didn’t know either how it felt or seeped into your very bones. I am grateful you do not know this pain. I pray my openness gives others some insight and compassion for those who do.

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  17. My older brother lost his life in a car accident while at college, shortly after he turned 19. I was almost 17 & the next-oldest child. Nothing could ever be the same for my parents after losing their firstborn…but since i’m an artist, i drew a portrait of my brother to give to my parents for Christmas that year of 1974. 31 years later, i was visiting my mom from out of state in an Alzheimer’s care facility, & she didn’t recognize me until i began talking about the family photos on the wall of her room, & said how i’d been the one who drew the portrait. She immediate spoke my name, & thanked me for how much that portrait had meant to her & my dad (deceased 5½ years earlier) when they were trying to pull themselves together for the remaining 8 of us after his death.
    I have a 23½-year-old son whom i raised as a solo single parent & domestic violence survivor. I had to move cross-country once i left his dad, & start over in a place where we were total strangers. If i were to lose him before his natural time, i don’t know how i’d ever be able to stop grieving…because we’ve always been so tight, we were playing keep-away with his foot in my ribs a month before his birth. My heart & soul go out to all parents who have had to bury their children…

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    1. I am so very sorry for your pain. I have three surviving children and each of them has been deeply impacted by their brother’s loss. You gave your parents a great gift through your art–I know they treasured it and that it was a source of comfort. Thank you for sharing part of your story.

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  18. This is a much needed article to be shared. With my thoughts —I want to help and not be detrimental by something I say , and I have no words that can possibly help.
    Listening is much needed in grieving . Someone who will sit and just listen.

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  19. I love that quote at the end. Often I had family members tell me (even recently) that it’s ok because Lucy is in heaven, safe and sound. I know how wonderful that is, but it doesn’t make it ok that she is dead. When people say things like that it just distances them from me. I love your blog…keep sharing ❤

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    1. I’m so sorry Bethany. I think of you every time I post–you and a couple other young mamas who had to say good-bye to their babies. I’m glad you will share this Christmas with Nora.

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    2. But if she is in Heaven, she isn’t really dead. The separation has to be horrible, but that is why the Apostle Paul wrote that we ‘sorrow not even as others which have no hope’. If you know the Lord and are going to Heaven, you will have all eternity. We have the hope…actually the ASSURANCE that we will meet them again. That is what makes it bearable.

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      1. Kathy,

        We who trust Christ do not grieve as those without hope. I don’t know if you are a bereaved mother but if you are not- and I was not just 20 months ago-the hope we have of reunion gives strength to continue but it does not lessen the pain of burying a child. It hurts. And it will hurt as long as I live.

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      2. And that comment right there is one that I am tired of hearing. Does Nothing for me. I am selfish, and my daughter deserved to be able to live the life I worked hard for her to have. knowing I will see her again one day doesn’t mend my broken heart. And other “suggestion”?

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      3. Dayna, I am so very sorry for your loss and your pain. There is no way to make this burden lighter, we only grow stronger over time as we carry it. May grace and mercy overwhelm you and may God give you the strength you need for each day.

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  20. I lost my daughter almost 6 years ago very tragically. Life for me will never be the same. We are still trying to find our new “normal”.

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    1. I’m so sorry. It has been 20 months for me, but while I feel as if I’m “getting used” to the pain and the absence of my son, I can’t really conceive of ever being in a place where it won’t be hard, hard, hard.

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      1. ❤ ❤ I so agree with you Melanie. Yes it is "hard, hard, hard" and unbeknownst to others the pain doesnt stop or subside. It can get more and more difficult and it has been almost two years that I suffered the loss of my 32 year old kind, brilliant and compassionate son. I am often struck straight in the heart with a pain so deep it causes me to cry out. Christmas this year is more difficult than the last and I continue to grieve without relief. I don't see any comfort in the future. Bless all parents who have suffered and continue to suffer. God bless all of you and hold you up during the worst of times. ❤ ❤

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  21. I feel your pain, I lost my daughter this summer and it is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I lost my mother when I was young but this was so much worse in my mind. I still have the memories of my mom, the life I spent with her and the things we shared but with my daughter it was not just her life that was lost, it was all of the dreams and plans I had for her, all of the memories we will never get to make together… It is something that has changed me completely and I will never be the person I was before she became a part of our life. I love her and think about her everyday and this is the first holiday season without her. She was our first child and only child and trying to “go back” to life as just husband and wife has felt impossible at times. Our whole mindset changed when we knew we were going to be parents and although no one can take away the fact that our daughter made up parents, it is so hard to feel like parents when your child is not in your arms. I have begun writing to help in my own personal healing process. Fell free to follow my blog – https://coffeeteaandinnerpeace.wordpress.com/

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    1. My heart for you all. I as well loss my son in 2007 at the age of 24. He was my first born. Him and I were very close. I had moved after my divorce about 3 1/2 hours away when I got that early morning call on August 5th my whole came to an end. My son was in law enforcement but he died in a house fire at his own home. There are so many unanswered questions I have, I have done all the what ifs, played it over and over in my mind. But at the end of my day nothing has changed. This year really took a toll on me. I hear a song and I start crying, I watch a movie he liked it kills me. It’s the little things that pull at your heart strings. I keep his pictures put everywhere so he is always around. I have 2 other boys, whom I love dearly. Being around family gives you support. My son’s widow moved back to her hometown, and four years later she was dating a man whom she broke up with and on March 15, 2011, this man got into her home shot her, killed my 2 precious grand children 9, and 6, they were all I had left of my son. So as I was doing alittle better, this tragedy happened and put me right back where I was in 2007 when I loss my son. It changes your life, you will never be the same. And so many people do not understand this. It a life changing experience that you do not get over.

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      1. Jackie, I am so very sorry for your multiplied losses and the great pain you must bear. There are no words for the kind of longing that lives in our hearts to see our children or grandchildren again. And we not only miss what was, but we mourn what will never be as well. May God overwhelm you with His grace and mercy and give you the strength to carry this great burden.

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      2. Oh Jackie, I am so very sorry for your losses. It broke my heart to read your post. I cried tears of pain, anguish and anger.
        I lost my middle child, my daughter, she was my best friend in February 2010 to suicide. It was and is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure.
        I walk with you on your journey of grief. Hand in hand.

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