Not What I Had Planned

I don’t get to choose.

I don’t get to plan the way life is going to be.

Oh, I bring out the calendar and mark down the days:  birthdays, holidays, special events and obligations.

calender

But then one dark morning a knock stops the clock and makes the world spin faster all at once.

I’m suspended and plunged under in the same breath.

Frozen.  Broken. Horrified.

How did this happen?

How is this my life?

My head and heart explode in pain.

Months pass.  The days march on.

I still don’t get to choose what sunrise brings.

But looking back I’m grateful that when my circle was whole we chose love.

That when the days were unfolding we chose faith.

That even as the night closed in and the days grew dark we continued to cling to the one Hope that proves true.

I’m thankful that my heart was full of praise songs and Scripture and that when I couldn’t lift my hand to turn the pages of my Bible the Spirit used them to whisper courage to my soul.

This Valley is deep and the sun is often hidden by the towering mountains on either side.

I have learned two things:

I can’t determine how life unfolds,

but I can decide where to place my hope. 

“I admit how broken I am in body and spirit,

but God is my strength,

and He will be mine forever.”

Psalm 73:26 VOICE

 

 

 

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Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

9 thoughts on “Not What I Had Planned”

  1. Thankful I found you on here. It’s been just over a year since my son, my only child fell and herniated his brain. It was after his weekly bible study, a group of young men who continued meeting after they “aged out” from the church group that met. I find peace in your writings and bits of strength. I’m angry that God didn’t protect my son from that awful fall, I prayed prayers of protection over him daily and cried out in the ER. I hope to understand someday, but in the meantime I remain in Him, even with this anger, disappointment, and deepest grief, trying my best to hold onto the hem of His robe.

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    1. I’m so thankful you are choosing trust and faith. It IS hard-the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but it has brought a measure of healing and I’ve found renewed joy (mingled still with sorrow) and purpose.

      I pray that you feel the Lord’s loving arms around you and that you hear Him whisper courage and strength to your wounded heart. ❤

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