A Peek Inside a Grieving Mother’s Thoughts

 

Ninety miles an hour-that’s how fast my mind can go from here to there.

From what’s in front of me to what’s behind me.

From laughter to swallowing sobs.

We sit in a living room surrounded by toys and playing with children, talking about life and love and plans and people.  The little brown face that turns his eyes to mine looks so much like Dominic I have to suck in my breath.

Giggles.  Squeals.  Cars running up and down my arm and around my feet.

I will never see Dominic’s children.  No brown face made from his genes will ever look into mine, arms reaching for a hug, slobbery kisses planted on my cheek.

Driving down the road I see the motorcyclist weaving in and out of traffic-angling for a quicker way along the highway, trusting other drivers to do their part in keeping him safe.

And my heart nearly stops.

Please, please, please be careful!  Your mama doesn’t want to bury you!

Nothing I can do or say.  Just like that morning.  No way to undo what may happen, what has happened.

heart baloon girl

Stop for groceries.  No more wandering up and down the aisles looking for bargains, drawing in smells of yummy goodness.

Stick to the list.  Only go where I have to.  There are so. many. ways. to miss him!  So many sights and smells and memories that lurk around each corner and draw my heart back in time to before-before it knew what it was to have a child utterly unreachable.

Small talk.  Pay attention, Melanie!  Don’t let your mind drift and lose the conversation thread.

“You doing OK today, ma’am?”

OK-what does that mean?  Not crying?  Not screaming at the awful reality that fills my days?  Still walking?  Still functioning?  Still able to get in my car and buy groceries?

“Yes, I’m fine.  How about you?”

fine not fine

 

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

6 thoughts on “A Peek Inside a Grieving Mother’s Thoughts”

  1. Yes, you are always touching the inner depths of my heart. I had to go to the emergency room yesterday and didn’t realize I would be hit like a ton of bricks w uncontrollable emotions as I stepped through those sliding doors. The last time I was there was in January right after Logan’s atv accident. Standing there numb w racing thoughts. As my husband walked in just after me I saw we were on the same page. Weeping uncontrollably. As we were brought back to my room each step hard to take as we passed rooms Logan had been many times over his short lived 13 years. From the broken arm and MANY ear infections. Then having to repeat again and again why we were a mess as each new staff person came through the doors. Talk about unexpected moments. Thank you for letting God use you to lift our hearts up, encourage us, and point us back to our Savior. Ann

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh, Ann! How awful! I didn’t have any hospital memories with Dom as he was killed instantly. But I’ve been hospitalized twice since his death and found that something about it just washed sorrow over me like almost nothing else! Thank you for callling courage to my heart by taking time to share part of your story and telling me how the blog helps you. May the Lord give you strength for each day. ❤

      Like

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