Hiding in Plain Sight

They say that if you want to hide something so it’s never found, hide it in plain sight. 

I think I’m living proof. 

Because every single day I hide my wounded heart.

band aid heart huff post earthy

I walk right up to people and they never know.  I conduct business, entertain family and friends, sing hymns in church and do daily tasks without a hint that something’s wrong-terribly, terribly wrong.

Am I stronger now than three years ago?  Absolutely!  I have developed muscles I didn’t know existed.  I have a go-to method to stop tears, stop screams, stop tremors, stop panic attacks and swallow words that might otherwise slip out and give me away.

I can make small talk with the best of them.  I’ve learned to redirect a conversation so that it cannot venture into territory that guarantees I won’t be able to keep it together.

I look for opportunities to serve at gatherings.  Kitchen duty?  First in line!  It’s easy and perfectly acceptable to mutter one word replies when your hands are in the sink washing dishes.

I locate bathrooms and exits everywhere I go.  Ducking into the ladies’ room or out the door for a minute or two is usually all I need to regather myself and reenter the fray.

All this hiding takes a toll.  So much energy is needed to shield the world from the pain I carry.

I often find that after a holiday or extended period of social interaction I need a day (or a week!) to recover.  And that’s OK. 

I’m learning to say “no” to invitations or expectations or intimidation.  

I’m learning I have to give myself time to regroup. 

Because then I can reengage, recharged and ready to keep hiding my heart.  

fine not fine

 

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

7 thoughts on “Hiding in Plain Sight”

  1. We all do it, but I hate that we feel we have to. Why do we hide? Besides the fact that we don’t always want to be a mess. Is it only so others aren’t uncomfortable? Does it makes us too vulnerable? Are we afraid if the tears came we couldn’t stop them? It seems out of every other hurt this is the one that others think must be stifled. Why? Does it hit too close to home that it could happen to their own child? If someone has cancer or a medical issue it is acceptable to fall apart. And is not put into a time frame to get over it. The pain of losing Logan can not be boxed and put away. It is always there and anything can make me fall apart. Triggers are every where. This was our first Thanksgiving and will be our first Christmas. These days and every day is hard. Yes, there are times it’s inappropriate to talk of this loss, but we live it daily and the empty seats saved for my boy will always be and I will never get over the fact that my child is missing from our lives. Praise God that Logan was His child, but the heaviness of grief remains. I loved your article it described me and too many others. Thank you Melanie. Hugs, Ann

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think I do it out of self-preservation. If I’m too open all the time, it takes more energy to explain and comfort those who are made uncomfortable by my emotional displays than it does to just tuck it inside to begin with. I try to be honest about my feelings with friends and family. I’m downright brusque sometimes in declaring what I will or won’t do. But, that being said, in daily life-running errands, etc.-I usually just suck it up and hide my heart. We shouldn’t HAVE to, but we do it, don’t we?

      Hugs and love to you as well. May the Lord give you strength for each day,

      Like

      1. Thank you. I’m glad you like my writings, but I’m back to writing. Started up again about a month ago. I only write one or twice a week though.

        Liked by 1 person

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