C.S.Lewis was an amazing man who died one day before I was born and just three years after his beloved wife ran to heaven ahead of him.
In these later years I’ve often wondered how much grief played a role in his departure.
I have appreciated his books for decades. Shared them with others and spent hours reading The Chronicles of Narnia series to my children.
He is a family staple.
But he can be a bit hard to understand at times-his rich background studying literature informed his own writing style. So I often have to tease apart longer quotes to get at the meat of what he’s saying.
It’s always worth it.
I read A GRIEF OBSERVED in my 30’s as another in a long list of “Books You Should Read”. I gleaned a bit here or there that I thought might be of use later on.
But when Dominic ran ahead to heaven, it was the first book on grief I bought for myself and I read it like a starving man set down to a full table.
This passage, in particular, was helpful in understanding how my absolute trust in the FACT of ultimate redemption of my pain and sorrow did absolutely NOTHING to take away the pain and sorrow-it only made it bearable.
If a mother is mourning not for what she has lost but for what her dead child has lost, it is a comfort to believe that the child has not lost the end for which it was created. And it is a comfort to believe that she herself, in losing her chief or only natural happiness, has not lost a greater thing, that she may still hope to “glorify God and enjoy Him forever.” A comfort to the God-aimed, eternal spirit within her. But not to her motherhood. The specifically maternal happiness must be written off. Never, in any place or time, will she have her son on her knees, or bathe him, or tell him a story, or plan for his future, or see her grandchild.
~C. S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
My son is safe in the arms of Jesus. And that is a comfort.
And I, trusting in that truth and leaning into my faith in Christ, am also comforted that even here, in the Valley of the Shadow of Death, am safe in the arms of Jesus. I may FEEL lost, but I am NOT lost.
But-and here’s the experiential truth that separates those of us who experience the REALITY of child loss from those that IMAGINE it-my mother’s heart is denied the presence of my son for the rest of my earthly days.
All the things I had hoped for, dreamt of and expected to experience are robbed from me.
There is no remedy for that.
Absolutely none.
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thelifeididntchoose 
Every day for me I contemplate doing something to join my daughter in Heaven. She only had 12 years on this Earth and so many things she wanted to do. I find myself doubting there is a God, because how could he allow our children to die? She was my only child and I learned unconditional love when I had her. It really is a life long nightmare. Nobody can feel the way a parent who lost a child feels. I have so many what ifs and mistakes I made by trying to find ways to heal her. I feel like I failed her because I was in such denial I never truly thought I’d lose her. I feel there is so many things left unsaid. I told her I loved her constantly but we didn’t talk about God. She believed in God and we went to church which she loved but I didn’t prepare her for it. My mom and husband talked to her about it. I just remember her staring at me, unable to talk, and I feel like she was thinking I wasn’t there for her enough. My heart is shattered and I weigh suicide on a daily basis but I can’t do that to my family, especially my mother. My daughter didn’t ask me questions because she was trying to protect me and for that reason I feel like a horrible mother. She is my heart, my soul and my every breath I take. I know I need help but grief counselors are hard to find where I live. I have nothing left to live for so I hope if God is definitely real he will just take me.
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Yesterday and today have been unbearable for me as well. My 16 year old son took his life 4 months ago yesterday and I so desperately want to join him so I can hold him and tell him how much I love him. But I have a husband and 13 year old son that are still on this earth and I would never want to cause them any more pain than what we are all going through already. I do not want anyone to feel this pain because of me so I keep moving forward. God gives us strength when we are weak and he comforts us in our time of need. He is our shelter in the storm and a light in darkness. I look to him for everything and hold on to his promise that I will see my son again someday and hold him and tell him how much I love him. God bless you and may he wrap his loving arms around you and comfort you today and every day.
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I am so very thankful for the Word of God and His Spirit who ministers strength and courage to my soul! Yes, once you know what is left for those who survive it’s strong encouragement to stick around even when the pain is more than a heart can bear. I pray that you hear the Lord whisper courage to your heart and that He overwhelms you with His love, grace and mercy. ❤
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I read a quote recently that had me in tears. You see, my son took his life, too. It’s almost 6 years since he left us, & this time of year is filled with remembering those first days……. I can only tell you that grief will follow you forever, but we learn to carry it. And I hope this quote speaks to your heart. I’m sorry I can’t remember where I red it.
“Imagine arriving in Heaven, and the first thing God says to you is ‘I have someone here who’s been waiting to see you’ “.
Your son will be there, but it’s not your time to see him yet. You’re still needed here. I know……
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It’s unbearable today. I can’t get a grip on my life this day. Whooshing my life could join my son, but knowing I cannot take my life as he did. I have family and girls to live for, grandkids to watch grow. A husband whose grief is unsurmountable and loves our son as I do, only the two of us could love as we do for our family.
I am tired. I am undone
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I am so, so sorry Cindy. There are days like that. Even six years later I have days like that. Sometimes I see them coming or can trace the roots of the tsunami of feelings and sometimes I can’t. I’m thankful you have others to care for. That’s definitely a huge part of what pulled me through the early days, weeks, months and years. Telling my heart the truth about who God is, how He will redeem everything that has been stolen and trusting in His love and goodness along with taking care of my family helped me get out of bed each morning. I pray you feel the Father’s loving arms around you and that He overwhelms your heart with His grace and mercy. ❤
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Yes. Kari-Lee’s husband just had a baby with his new wife. While I wish him all the best, it’s an arrow through my heart as I’m reminded again that those babies Kari longed to have and the grandchildren I also longed for, will never, ever be. 😥
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The word, “bittersweet”, explains so much in this life we didn’t choose, doesn’t it? I am beside myself with my new little grandson by my oldest son. He looks just like him. But every time I see Ryker my heart feels a little sad that I’ll never see a baby Dominic running around. Every molecule of who he was left with him. I have to trust that God will redeem this too. ❤
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I think perhaps I should read A Grief Observed.
Sending my love across the oceans to you again today x
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