Through Tears

Honestly I have no idea why I don’t climb my stairs, lay down in bed and pull the covers over my head.

Well, really I DO know why:  it’s the enabling grace of Christ Jesus in my life

But my flesh still wants to give up and give in.

Because there is NO LIMIT to the amount of  pain a heart may have to bear on this earthly journey.

how are you fine words in letters

I feel awfully guilty sometimes for being overwhelmed by my circumstances when I hear of much more challenging situations that other hearts face.

I have to remind myself that comparison is unhealthy regardless of whether I’m stacking up pain or pleasure, blessings or trials.

Truth is, sometimes life just sucks.

I know that’s an unpopular assertion among church folks.

But it’s a fact.

God shows up and He showers grace.  And His grace sustains me.  Still, I feel ALL the pain.

Faith is not anesthesia.

faith says i will sit with you in the pain

I’ll be honest-I’ve had a summer full of hard things.  I’ve greeted more than one sunrise with tears.  I’ve ended more than one day worn out, worn down and utterly bereft of hope that tomorrow will be any better.

When I’m finally able to enter the bliss of dreamless sleep I manage a bit of escape until the day’s dawn drags my heart back to reality.

Of course the background noise of grief and loss never changes but goodness gracious how I’d love 24 uninterrupted hours of everything going right!

So far that hasn’t happened,

Seriously. 

I’m getting kind of used to it. 

I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
    the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—
    the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there’s one other thing I remember,
    and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

      God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out,
    his merciful love couldn’t have dried up.
They’re created new every morning.
    How great your faithfulness!
I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over).
    He’s all I’ve got left.

Lamentations 3:19-24 MSG

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

8 thoughts on “Through Tears”

  1. I lost my 34 year old son suddenly on Thanksgiving day almost 9 months ago. Somehow, through God’s grace, I stumbled onto your postings. I read your words every day after I awake to the awful and shocking reality that my John is no longer on this earth. I will now live out my days trying to trust the words I sang years ago to my baby boy “He’s got you and me, John, in His Hands”…. thank you so very much for ministering to my shattered heart daily with words that describe my experience so well.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Melanie, I have been on my grief journey for over 10 years. After losing my youngest daughter, I sought solace and found comfort in written words. I “collect” them and have just found a gem in your words to add to my collection. “ faith is not anesthesia “
    Thank you, I always appreciate when someone else can express my feelings in prophetic words. I was just introduced to your community page through a mom still early in her journey. Your words will help her, especially when I, the “experienced “ one, feel so inadequate to help. Blessings to you❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Melanie…one of my biggest realizations in grief is…life is relentless with challenges sometimes. I think I kind of expected and hoped that energy draining and difficult things would stop happening. That I would have a chance to refuel. And the death of my son would be enough to struggle with in all the ways you have described so well. Well, instead I have been diagnosed with cancer, my daughter (only surviving child) has been diagnosed with cancer and serious platelet disorder, etc etc etc. What I try to do is have a good couple or few hours each day instead of expecting the whole 24 to be better. This perspective has helped abit, as well as meditation (Headspace app), gratitude journal and blogs like yours. I hear ya……

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am so sorry for your additional burdens and struggles. What a terrible load to carry. I agree-finding a few good moments or a couple hours of rest and fun is really a blessing. I know in my heart of hearts that there is no special pass for any of us and sorrow and trial is pretty much the way of this life. Every now and then I fantasize about a whole 24 hours though 🙂 ❤

      I pray that the Lord continues to sustain you and that He overwhelms your heart with His grace, love and mercy. May He strengthen you to endure ❤

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  4. I hope with all my heart that life gets better for you Melanie. I know my only way to help is to let you know you are in my thoughts daily and you do great things for me.
    I pray that the Holy Spirit be by your side during the hard times you are having to endure. Peace be with you xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Carol. I wrote this a couple days ago (try to have posts lined up ahead). Yesterday was a great day-I worked hard all day and thought I was on a roll. Sometime in the night I realized I had injured my back in all the activity and found I could barely move. So here I sit this morning, heating pad on my back and asking for mercy one more time.

      I so appreciate your comments, kindness and loving prayers. Thank you. I pray peace for you today as well. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes today is a good day for me….after my conversation with the club members 😑 the other evening. I have decided to start a second journal speaking Luke. I did the prep work this morning. I am sitting in the hairdressers at the moment with my daughter…both enjoying tge thought of our new “dos” ❤
        Our Friend at my side xxx

        Like

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