Here in the last days before Christmas, the darkest days of the year, my grieving heart longs for light.
In some ways the busy-ness of the holiday season pushes the pain of missing my son to the background–a mind can only entertain so many ideas at one time.
But the activity and constant barrage of demands and conversations exhausts me and makes me more vulnerable to the moments when grief rolls full force over my soul like an ocean wave.
I am more sensitive to the chasm between me and those who have not buried a child.
More sensitive to the fact that the world continues to spin, parties are planned, songs are sung and Dominic isn’t here for any of it.
I want to find a way to mark his absence, to include him in conversation, to make sure he isn’t forgotten.
I am so very thankful for the family that surrounds me at Christmas, and want them to know how much I cherish the moments we are together and how fiercely I love them.
But my heart is divided.
Part of me is “here” and part of me is “there”. I walk in two worlds–on earth and in heaven. I savor the sweet joy of the “now” but ache for the even sweeter joy of the “forever”.
So I sing all four verses of the Christmas hymns–not just the ones that speak of Jesus’ birth, but the verses that tell of His return.
I celebrate His coming, but I long for His coming again.
For lo! the days are hastening on,
By prophets seen of old,
When with the ever-circling years
Shall come the time foretold,
When the new heaven and earth shall own
The Prince of Peace, their King,
And the whole world send back the song
Which now the angels sing.~It Came Upon A Midnight Clear
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“But my heart is divided.
Part of me is “here” and part of me is “there”. I walk in two worlds–on earth and in heaven. I savor the sweet joy of the “now” but ache for the even sweeter joy of the “forever”.”
Such profound truth. I am a house divided. I am not whole. And while I love deeply those of my children that are still here, I ache with the missing for the one who is not. I am in hospice every day. One foot here, one treading lightly the streets of heaven. Always the missing. Always the looking for Rachel.
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JM was one of my students at AUCVM. I just accidentally found your blog about losing Dominic. My heart broke for JM (and all of you even though we never met) because I have two brothers…and I truly have no idea how I would continue if I lost either of them as JM did. I want to thank you for sharing your feelings of and on grief with the world. Thank you for the opportunity to get to know JM as well. I can tell from your words and faith where JM came from. I know it will be a joyous reunion in Heaven one day for all. Wishing you all many blessings this Christmas Season and once again thank you for sharing your, pain, grief, love and Faith with us.
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Thank you for your encouraging and kind words. It has been and continues to be the hardest thing any of us have ever had to do. I’m thankful for friends who have helped all of us cling to the Truth even when our hearts are breaking. Bless you and your family at Christmas and throughout the New Year.
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