Nothing Left

carrying-a-heavy-load

These past few weeks have been challenging.

A dozen unrelated things have added up to a load I struggle to carry.

I have absolutely NO reserves.

No extra emotional or physical resources that can help me bounce back when things get tough.

None.

Every day I tread a razor’s edge instead of the broad path I used to walk.

It takes so much effort just to keep from falling off that I have a hard time looking ahead and am regularly blindsided by things I might have avoided, or handled better or made plans to endure.

So I take the hits full force–defenses down. 

I’ve learned to hide it.  Most of the time.  

I’ve learned to lower my eyes, bite my tongue or walk away to catch my breath.

I’ve nearly mastered the art of holding in the tears.

You think I’m strong.  

But I’m not.

You will hardly ever know when my heart is hurting.  

But it is.  

 

 

 

 

 

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Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

13 thoughts on “Nothing Left”

  2. Oh poor thing. I know exactly how you feel, unfortunately. A month and half ago, my wife got into an accident. She’s had surgery to fix her broken ankle. Her other shin was badly hurt along with a couple of ribs. I’ve had to take off to care for her and I had to cancel a trip over seas to care for her. My surviving daughter got into an accident. She’s ok now and the car is fixed now. My mom was in the hospital…. I’m spent. That’s why I haven’t been blogging.

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  3. Dear Melanie, thank you for exposing your broken heart 💔
    I so can relate to your words. Its almost easier to shut the world out than risk exposing my heart, only to realize no one that isn’t on this journey, really cares. I just had my sons 27th birthday and four days later his 4th Heaven date, it’s still crushing and added to that, only other grieving moms reached out.
    But I’ll still smile as you walk by so you won’t feel uncomfortable. I’ll hide my pain so you won’t have to be reminded how fragile life really is. I’ll pretend for you.
    I pray they never have to know the true pain we endure.
    Blessing and love to you hun!

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    1. Thank you dear one. I hope they don’t either. I’ve spent the last two days in the hospital with a family member and seen too many others in the waiting room knowing the news for them will not be good. I cheer every time the news is good. One less added to our ranks!

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  4. Ditto to Nita’s beautiful and heartfelt prayer!

    No reserves . . . It’s so true. We learn to wear the mask of acceptance, of hope, of testimony, and yet no one sees the private moments, the deep despair, the lack of motivation and energy, the fear for the loss of those we love who remain. No one sees the dark nights of the soul, the hollowness of heart. No one wants to see those things. They want to believe that faith wraps you in bubble wrap and protects you from pain. Instead faith says, ‘take my hand, I’ll lead you through this’ even though we have no desire to go where we are being led. We just want to turn back time to before. . . before our worlds fell apart and we’ve been forced to live with the life we didn’t choose.

    Thank you for your authenticity and vulnerability and for reminding those around us that what they see isn’t all there is. His strength is perfected in our weakness. He shines through the cracks in your heart, Melanie, which may or may not be any comfort to you at all.

    Praying for you my friend in loss.

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    1. Well said Janet! People look at me with a big smile, “ya doing good?” That look says, please don’t tell me anything other than you’re doing good. I’m doing ok usually is what squeaks out as they rush by. Did they really want to know, did they really care? I don’t think so, no one wants to be reminded of the fragility of life !

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  6. Oh Jesus, please have mercy on your daughter. Bear her up Lord. Lift up her head. Without Your help her steps will falter, this load will surely make her fall. Spirit of God please comfort and encourage Your child else she will be crushed by this weight. Move on her behalf precious Lord. You are our only source of help and hope. We cry out to You Lord. Where else can we go. You alone have the words of life and hold our salvation in Your hands. Rescue and save us Mighty God!

    Oh Mel, I am so very sorry. I love you and will continue to lift you to the Lord.

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