The Odd Bits That Break My Heart

Oh, how I wish it were different!

The odd bits that break my heart-

The  moment my three living children are in the family room, joking and laughing-but his voice is so obviously missing.

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The moment I say to one son, “Have you texted your brother?” and don’t have to give a name, because there is only one brother left to text.

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The moment I go down the list of who-I-have-heard-from-in-the-last-24-hours and it is short a single name.  I know where Dominic is.  

The moment I realize that it has been three years (!) since I bought him a present, asked him for a Christmas wish list, checked in to check his schedule so I can arrange family dinners and holiday get togethers.

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The moment I count plates or cups or places at the table-always one less, always one empty chair.

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Yes, there are good days.  

Yes, I am so very thankful for each moment I have with the ones left.

But if counting blessings is supposed to undo my heartache I must be doing it all wrong.  

If focusing on the “now” is a way to ignore the “then” I need more practice.

No matter how hard I try, I cannot get over the hurdle of wanting things to be like they were.  

I am not ungrateful.  I cherish every single second we are together.

I hold every farewell close to my heart.

I make a mental picture of the face, the smile, the wave-because when you learn the hard way that this time might be the last time-you don’t take anything for granted.

I cling to the promise that one day we will be reunited.

But right now, it’s hard.

 

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Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

5 thoughts on “The Odd Bits That Break My Heart”

  1. I guess this is something I should have thought of sooner in my now 6 month journey, but it just occurred to me last night that my only other living child will never be an uncle and it made me angry. I’ve mourned not having any grandchildren from my oldest, but this was a new thought and it just reminded me how much we both have lost. I am accepting it…I have no choice, but I will never be ok with it.

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  2. Such a hansome, kind looking young man! I just had Seth Daniels third birthday and fourth anniversary in Heaven. I feel that I’m turning a Corning on this grief journey, just not sure where it will lead me. I too cling to the promise of our reunion. I pray everyday for those who have lost a child/children and am thankful that God knows each one by name and knows their needs. May you get a Heaven wink today ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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