I will confess right here that this week I am more than tired.
I’m defeated.
I have fought the good fight, tried hard to endure and worked myself nearly to death and in the end can’t move the challenging situations I face one inch closer to resolution.
And like I’ve written before here,these months and years after Dominic ran to heaven have amply demonstrated the truth of the phrase “the straw that broke the camel’s back”. It’s not the STRAW, it’s the unbelievable heavy weight the camel is already carrying!
That last, seemingly tiny, almost weightless additional burden sends the poor critter over the edge.
But unlike a dumb animal, I don’t get to just lay down and give up. My head and my heart tell me that if I do, the load will just shift to my family. If I quit I can’t simply drift off into witless sleep where I don’t realize how hard I’m making it for everyone else.
So I don’t give up.
I keep on keeping on.
I raise my eyes to the sky and beg God to give me the grace and strength and help to endure.
I beg for mercy-for some small token that things might just get better.
I lean into the promises of God in Christ and hold on with both hands.
What else can I do but keep praying to You even when I feel dark;
to keep writing about You even when I feel numb;
to keep speaking Your name even when I feel alone.
Come, Lord Jesus come.
Have mercy on me, a sinner.
-Henri Nouwen
I can’t resist sharing with you your exact wording that touched my heart
“But unlike a dumb animal, I don’t get to just lay down and give up. My head and my heart tell me that if I do, the load will just shift to my family. If I quit I can’t simply drift off into witless sleep where I don’t realize how hard I’m making it for everyone else.
So I don’t give up”
I shoulder a lot …. and the fact that all my responsibilities would fall on my children (specifically my only daughter) keeps me from “high tailing it” at times. It does help knowing that I am not alone.
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I feel the same. Beautifully expressed. Today I came across a beautiful fun memory of my son and his daughters and myself. As Thankful as I am of this awesome memory, I can’t help break down and cry the pain it brings missing him the love for him having him for 30 years and the hope I have through Jesus that I will be with him again
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Thanks so much for all your writings. They touch my heart everyday and I am comforted.
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