Not As Good As I Once Was

When Dominic first ran ahead to Heaven I resisted having any kind of calendar visible. I didn’t want to mark time passing without him to pass it with me.

I’ve since resumed my yearly ritual of hanging the big blank picture calendar in my kitchen-the only way I really know how to keep up with doctor appointments, family visits, birthdays and other important dates in spite of technology.

I don’t know about you, but days turn into weeks turn into months almost faster than I can count them. Even during this pandemic pause or craziness or whatever you want to call it, life goes on.

I’ve been busy but not overwhelmed (most of the time!). I’ve tried to tackle some home projects that had been neglected, organize things, take a few trips here and there to visit family and (did I mention?) get our ducks in a row for my husband’s retirement.

I’ve often written that grief doesn’t only change the way I think about the past but it also changes the way I experience the present.

And while I’ve gotten oh, so much better, at pacing myself, granting myself grace for milestone days and simply saying “no” to extra demands, I still find that having a hole in my heart shapes how I approach even the most mundane tasks.

I’ve had to make a lot of phone calls lately-tying up loose ends, getting new healthcare lined up, making yearly doctor appointments, getting dental work done (which I hate!). Long minutes on hold still-STILL!-make me feel trapped and out of control, even when I put the phone on speaker. Repeating myself over and over to the “next available representative” echoes the many times I had to tell of Dom’s demise when I made all the necessary calls to people with whom he did business.

It’s funny where your mind goes when forced to sit and wait.

Some days I’m just done by lunchtime. Even though there is a lot of day left in the day I am out of steam for taking advantage of it.

I’m learning to prioritize and knock out pressing tasks earlier rather than later and leave the rest until tomorrow.

Trouble is, the tomorrows are adding up and piling on.

I’m not sure there are enough days left in this year to get them all done.

I used to be a dynamo-regularly squeezing two days’ work into one. Now I don’t think I ever get a full days’ worth out of my waking hours. My writing has suffered since it’s something I only do well when I feel rested and caught up on other chores.

I’m not the person I was before Dominic ran ahead to Heaven. I’m slower, less organized and definitely undermotivated.

The calendar accuses me of how little progress I’ve made.

Maybe I’ll take it down again.

Bereaved Parents Month 2021: A Day in the Life

This incident happened a few years ago but it could have happened last week.

There are still days when grieving Dominic wraps itself around my heart like a vise and makes everyday chores and choices difficult.

❤ Melanie

If you get up every morning and go to work-I applaud you!

Most of my days start with work, but I don’t have to go farther than my own property to discharge my duties.

But today I had to get going extra early for a doctor’s appointment with a specialist about 50 miles away.  So I rushed through my morning chores, double-checked I had everything I needed and left home by 7:10.

I had to park in a parking garage-no easy feat when you drive a full-size pickup and the spaces are designed for mid-size cars.  The low roof, confined space and limited light make me feel trapped and uncomfortable.

Read the rest here: A Day in the Life

Bereaved Parents Month 2021: Seriously. Why Can’t I Keep My House Clean?

I freely admit I was never a housecleaning fanatic.

With a busy family, a small farm and mountains of paper, pencils and books scattered around I was content if the most obvious dirt was swept up and the sink free of dishes.

But, I DID have a routine.  I DID clean my bathrooms and wash clothes and make beds and vacuum the rugs on a regular basis.

Not anymore.

Even all this time after Dominic ran ahead to heaven, I have not reestablished any kind of rhythm.

Read the rest here: Why Can’t I Keep My House Clean? Grief and Everyday Responsiblities

Face Toward the Son

One of the magical aspects of sunflowers is how they move through the day to always face the sun.

Like other plants, they depend on light to make their food but unlike others, they seem intent on thanking the source.

I am always encouraged when I pass a patch of sunflowers standing stalwart, saluting in unison the life-giving rays. They remind me that I am just as dependent as they are.

I can’t draw breath without the light and life of Christ in me.

Praise: The Secret to Living Above Circumstances - FaithGateway

But I forget that sometimes.

Clouds of sadness and despair obscure my vision and I’m tempted to turn away. Life gets hard and I wonder why it has to be like that. Responsibility grows heavy and I can’t lift my head.

So I lose sight of the Son-who He is, what He’s done and how He continues to sustain me even when I can neither see it or feel it.

It’s just then I need to turn toward Him.

It’s that very moment I require extra grace to look up (which He supplies) and extra faith (which He endows) to see clearly.

When I do, He always renews my strength.

“Don’t you know? Haven’t you been listening?
    Yahweh is the one and only everlasting God,
    the Creator of all you can see and imagine!
    He never gets weary or worn out.
    His intelligence is unlimited;
    he is never puzzled over what to do!
 He empowers the feeble
    and infuses the powerless with increasing strength.
 Even young people faint and get exhausted;
    athletic ones may stumble and fall.
But those who wait for Yahweh’s grace
    will experience divine strength.
    They will rise up on soaring wings and fly like eagles,
    run their race without growing weary,
    and walk through life without giving up.”

Isaiah 40: 28-41 TPT

Holiday Hangover?

Sometimes the day or the week after a holiday seems extra hard.

Deflated. Exhausted. Weepy. Irritable. Discontented.

All words that can describe a heart once the dishes are washed and the celebration ended.

Some of y’all probably woke up thinking, “I did pretty good on Mother’s Day” only to be blindsided by the tears you managed to hide and the grief you managed to stuff.

Read the rest here: Holiday Hangover

I’m Not Anti-Social. I’m Selectively Social.

It’s kind of odd to see most of the world suddenly forced to embrace a lifestyle I’ve followed for the past seven years.

While I’ve always been an introvert, I was not nearly the homebody I’ve become since my son ran ahead to heaven.

Now staying in, carefully planning social events and obligations, leaving a few days between high-energy gatherings and just generally pacing myself is the norm.

I’m truly not anti-social. I love my people. I love seeing them and talking to them.

But since there’s only so much energy to go around I AM selectively social.

Grief changes lots of things.  

I am simply not able to spend energy on frivolous and marginally meaningful social activities anymore. 

I’m sure that hurts some folks feelings and I am truly sorry.

But I can’t help it.  

Read the rest here: Not Anti-Social. Just Selectively Social.

Wordless Prayers

I find myself in another season of wordless prayers.

In part, it’s a function of all the reminders leading up to and surrounding the anniversary of Dominic’s death and funeral.

I think I’m also just tired.

That’s something that surprises me again and again-that life after loss keeps coming at me and keeps demanding energy I really don’t have.

This earthly tent is absolutely fading. I feel it every single day.

So often we think of prayer as words.

But prayer can be a heart cry too deep for words.

It can be a groaning soul, longing for release.

Read the rest here: Persistent Longing, Persistent Prayer

Sometimes All You CAN Do Is Fall Apart

Most days I try hard to hold it together.

Even that most awful first day I swallowed tears as I made phone calls and airline reservations and asked for help from those I knew would lend it.

But sometimes the weight of grief and life and stress and pain is simply too much to bear.

So falling apart is really the only option.

And that’s OK.

I can let go and let the tears flow.

I can hide under the covers or inside the house and not answer the phone.

I don’t have anything to prove.

Because I know the One who will hold me until I feel strong enough to pick up the pieces and carry on.

And when you are old, I will still be there, carrying you. When your limbs grow tired, your eyes are weak, And your hair a silvery gray, I will carry you as I always have. I will carry you and save you.

Isaiah 46:4 VOICE
I Will Be Your God | Trophy Of Grace

If You’re Tired, Rest. You Can Try Tomorrow

I admit I’m an over achiever. I tend to think that if it needs to be done, I have to be the one to do it.

But you know what? I’m learning that the world won’t fall apart if I take a break.

And I’m tired right now.

Really, really tired.

So I’m going to rest today (and maybe tomorrow!) and the world will keep turning, the sun will rise again.

You can rest too.

I promise. ❤

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I’m On Your Side. Whatever Side You Land On.

Maybe I’m just old and tired.

Maybe it’s grief brain or my autoimmune disease or some other biological issue of which I’m ignorant.

But I just don’t have the energy to be on guard, to defend my “territory”, to argue with everyone who might hold a different opinion or who might be experiencing life from a different perspective.

Oh, I still HAVE opinions. And I share them with family and close friends in places and spaces where we can see one another’s faces, expressions and hear the intonation in our voices.

But I refuse to debate the cause du jour on social media in hopes of raising a ruckus or getting “likes” or “shares” to feed my ego and feed the frenzy.

It seems to me the world needs more grace and less growling.

Give The Gift Of Grace Today | Nicki Schroeder

So let me just be plain: I’m on your side.

Whatever side you land on.

The Veronicas - On Your Side - UKMIX Forums

Masks or no masks. Sending your kids to school or keeping them home. Staying in as much as possible or going out among the people.

Each of us has our own concerns, convictions and must follow our own conscious. I’m not judging.

Be as careful as you can be and be willing to accept the consequences of your choices.

You’ll be my friend either way.