If you’ve ever dropped a treasured china cup, you will know exactly what I’m talking about.
Finding the bigger chunks is easy. But as you begin to put them in place thinking, “Oh, I can glue this back good as new”, you realize that tiny slivers necessary to make it whole are missing.
And you can look as hard as you want to, but you’ll never, ever find them.
Hearts are like that.
When a heart breaks, the pieces are scattered everywhere.
It’s pretty simple to locate the larger bits-although putting them back in place is much harder than gluing together a fractured cup.
But those tiny bits elude me.
At almost four years I’ve had lots and lots of time to sort through what happened-at least in an intellectual way.
But what surprises me every time, no matter how often I pick through the debris like an archaeologist, is that I cannot find all the pieces.
I have hunted hardest for the pieces to the faith I knew before my world was torn asunder.
I can’t find even a vague semblance of that old feeling that used to be my bosom buddy-that the blessing and favor of the Lord was resting on my family’s shoulders. I can’t reclaim the confidence that I had at least a rough idea of how God works in the world.
I don’t feel as if God has abandoned me-but I do feel as if He’s pushed me in a corner.
And what I have to do now (have had to do all along) is decide:
Do I trust even when I cannot see how it all fits together or do I abandon my faith?
I have decided to hold on.
I have decided that it was foolish for me to think I could comprehend God in the first place. My experience hasn’t changed HIM, it’s changed ME.
It revealed a flaw in my logic. It gave me a glimpse into the vast chasm between what I thought I knew and what I actually knew.
There are so many things that cannot be known. I have no idea why I once thought that number small.
Is this frightening? Yes.
But it is also helpful.
As long as I’m looking for answers to every question, I will remain unsatisfied and unsettled until I find them. Understanding that I CANNOT “know it all” frees me to lean into my faith.
When Jesus was about to leave His disciples, He gave them this assurance:
“I’ve told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I’ve conquered the world.”
John 16:33 MSG
Unshakable and assured.
Wounded yet walking.
Fearful but faith-filled.