Waking Up Is Hard To Do

Just after I got my driver’s license I was using the family station wagon to run some errands.  

I remember thinking, “Should I pull into that space between two parked cars or should I just go a bit further and make it easy on myself?”  I channeled my dad’s voice which was always pushing me past my comfort zone, threw off my fear and started into the smaller space.

Bad choice.

I kept trying to convince myself it was a dream.  I was not going to have to go home and tell my father what I had done.  It would disappear if only I wished hard enough.

But that was silly and untrue.

Denting the family wagon is small potatoes next to many other, bigger things I’ve faced in life.

And it is absolutely a zero on a scale of one to ten when considering the death of my son.  

You can fix a dent.  Even if it costs money and time.  

You can’t fix child loss.

Because of that FACT-I wake every morning to the same awful reality:  My child is dead.  He’s not coming back.  My life is forever changed.  My family forever altered.  My heart will carry this burden to the grave.

That makes waking up hard to do.  

Each morning I must force myself to push through an invisible wall and set my feet on ground I’m not sure I want to walk upon.

I must open my eyes and abandon the sweet release of dreamless sleep.

I have to face the light and embrace reality.

Four years and it is still a shock.  

Every

Single. 

Morning.

sometimes cant believe you are gone

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

6 thoughts on “Waking Up Is Hard To Do”

  1. I hate it especially on the days when you wake so disoriented….you know those when you don’t really know what day it is. Is it a work day, is it a weekend? Those are the days when it’s the hardest and I can guarantee that somewhere along the line, without doubt my “mask” is going to slip. Some trigger or other which I only just manage on other days – on those days I am going to be unable to keep it up. It happened at school yesterday and I haď to leave the room. Luckily the staffroom was empty for my escape to and again lucky for me a kindly member of staff found me a sat for a while. ❤
    Now comes God’s reason for my earlier disorientation…..this lady told me me that she had wanted to talk to me for some time as only just recently her friend had taken his own life in exactly the same way as his son had done two weeks previously. Another mama broken 💔💔
    I am thankful my colleague was there for me so I could be there for her. I am thankful to God for directing me even through my pain 💔 and I am thankful He directed me me to find you Melanie as He directs you to help all of us when you write all that’s in your heart xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for sharing, Carol! What a sweet example of how God weaves our lives together with others in just the right way and at just the right time. I know your precious heart was a solace to that friend. The grace you carry and share is so evident in everything you write. May God continue to fill you with His Spirit as you pour out His grace and mercy on others. I do hope today is a more peace-filled day. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

    1. It will. I am better able to carry it now (at four years ) than I used to be. I can shift it and manage it most days. But truly, it is a shock every morning to remember I have to carry it at all. ❤

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  2. Hi Melanie, so true every single morning. I remember the next day after my son was killed, I was so angry at the sun for rising. I remember that exact feeling when reading this. I look forward to your post daily, you truly understand every emotion and feeling of lost of a child. Thank you for your perfect writing and thoughts. God bless you and your family.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Carmen, I am so very sorry for your pain and your loss. I hate that you are another mother who carries this sorrow in your broken heart. I’m thankful the posts help, a little. May the Lord overwhelm you with His grace, love and mercy and may He give you strength for each new day. ❤

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