Even though I purpose to be authentic and open about how Dominic’s absence impacts my life, I find that I may go days or weeks without realizing I’m stuffing things again.
Most of the time I figure it out because the grief has found the path of least resistance and leaked onto other people or has made me sick, tired or both.
When I catch myself overreacting to the less than attentive store clerk or avoiding phone calls or snapping at family members I need to take a moment and search for what’s behind that.
When I dread another day, sit for too long in my chair instead of getting up and getting going, procrastinate over simple and easy tasks, have trouble sleeping or am achy all over I need to reexamine my week and see what grief triggers I overlooked or tried to ignore.
At first I was very aware of carrying the load of grief and sorrow-tears made it obvious and impossible to ignore.
But as time has progressed (now 4 1/2 years) I find I can seem to breeze right past things that would have stopped me in my tracks during the first twelve months.
Still, they DO pluck at my heart even if I think they don’t.
And if I refuse to drag those feelings out into the light, they will find their own path.
Grief will not be denied forever.
It leaks out somewhere.
Better for me to face up, own it and choose how it comes out.