I woke up just past midnight to notice my bedside clock flashing off and on, indicating the power had gone out for at least a few minutes at some point after I fell asleep.
“No worries, ” I thought as I rolled over and drifted off.
An hour or so later and the cold woke me again. No power. This time for several hours.
I snuggled deeper under the warm covers and decided to go back to sleep. Surely it’d be on by morning.
And it was.
But it set my mind thinking as I got up, turned on the light in the kitchen and plugged up the coffee pot: My morning routine would be utterly disrupted if electricity hadn’t begun flowing again.
No warm house, no warm shower, no hot coffee, no way to get online and post the blog (cell service is unavailable at my home), no handy portable phones to make necessary calls should the power also be out at our church just a mile down the road.
I could go on and on.
Of course each of these difficulties could be surmounted.
It would take extra effort and be frustrating, but I could manage to get by without coffee and plug up the old phone to make phone calls. The blog could wait. And it’s unlikely that the outage would last more than a few hours or a day and then things would be back to normal.
Imagine, though, being used to the modern convenience of electricity at the flip of a switch and then being suddenly plunged into darkness and disconnection.
Unprepared-no matches, no alternative fuel sources, no extra warm clothes for winter days and nights-just plucked from the world you knew and dropped into a world you didn’t.
That’s what it felt like when Dominic ran ahead to Heaven. No warning, no chance to think through what life might be like, what changes I would have to accommodate, how I would need to face the days, weeks, months and years of his absence.
I went to bed and expected to wake to the world I knew.
Instead I woke to a world I could never have imagined.
And just like I rarely consider the dozens and dozens of ways electricity impacts my life-makes it easier, brighter, better-until it’s unavailable; I had NO IDEA how Dominic’s leaving would touch every corner of every moment of every day.
Last night I slept through the power outage. Other than resetting my blinking clocks it will require no adjustments this morning.
I can’t sleep through child loss.
When I wake, I face it anew each day.
And it continues to require adjustments, even now.
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thelifeididntchoose 
This sudden change in my life since 11 August 2018 is so huge, it’s going from being mom to a very busy 7 and 16 year old boys, taking up most of my time, but sooooo much worth it ❤, to being a mom to two angel boys, having all this time and feeling so lost, not sure where I fit in any more, it’s very hard adapting to this new life, but I’m still going on, but I’m not living, I’m just here, first year I was on autopilot, not feeling much, still numb, I’m in my second year now, and it’s like all feeling returned, and it’s so much more painfull, the longing is worse, and I wonder if I will ever live again, have purpose in life? Thanks to your blog Melanie, it really does give me hope where there seems to be none!! ❤❤❤
Jaco and Christiaan’s mom.
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I am so, so sorry dear mama! Such unbearable pain and loss. The second year can be especially hard for the very reason you noted: ALL the feeling returns and it hurts, hurts, hurts. You will live again if you keep leaning in and holding on to Jesus and to hope. It’s not the same unbounded joy but it is a quiet confidence that there is still beauty in the world and that one day every single thing that has been stolen by the enemy will be restored and redeemed. I pray that the Lord wraps His loving arms around you every morning and that He fills your heart with His grace and mercy. May you hear Him sing courage and strength over your soul. ❤
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“When I wake, I face it anew each day.” How true your statement is! I wake every day and it seems it’s always the 1st thing I remember….my daughter isn’t here. I too was notified by a knock on the door early in the morning to find a Highway Patrolman waiting. The realization that I won’t talk to her or get a text from her is always in my mind. Thankful for God’s word and the comfort, peace and strength it gives me for each day. Melanie, I appreciate your thoughts you always express so eloquently.
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Adjustments? I have to make me all over again and I really don’t have the energy to build me again. Instead, I wait in eager anticipation…
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Oh my goodness how this resonates with me this morning! Yes! It was 11 months ago today when our son “ran on ahead” but we didn’t know it until the next morning which is his official date of departing because that’s when the death certificate was signed. So I feel like there will be TWO anniversary dates of his death next month. And life has never been the same since and never will be!
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I have that same situation. My daughter passed on the 9th but wasn’t discovered until the 10th. My children have a hard time with it so we decided to just pick one and picked the 9th. This month was the one year mark and both days were difficult for all of us. I wish it could be just one day.
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Hm…it’s the adjustements which we still come across unexpectedly that throw us once again, isn’t it Melanie? Will we ever really settle into ourselves…I think perhaps not. ❤
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Yep. Like being on a ship at sea-another wave hits and we have to find our sea legs all over again. ❤
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