I try hard not to imply that MY child loss experience is representative of EVERY child loss experience.
Because, as we all know, every parent’s journey (even parents of the same child) is utterly, incontrovertibly unique.
My son was killed suddenly in an accident. Other parents I know have stories of prolonged illness. Some feared it coming as his or her child struggled with addiction and dangerous choices. And still others bear the added burden of suicide in child loss.
I have always, always felt a special duty to tread lightly with respect to those parents in particular. I want to honor them and never suggest I speak for them. I’ve started and discarded at least a dozen posts on child loss and suicide.
So when a mom who lost a child to suicide shared this in one of our closed groups, I messaged her and asked permission to publish her comment here.
Sheri Yancy Brown graciously agreed.
So here are HER words, precisely as she shared them:
“The Lord showed me this on Friday [Good Friday, 2019]. I hope it is a comfort to those of you who have lost a child to suicide.
“Two of the hardest things to come to terms with regarding Tyrel’s suicide for me (a Christian) have been:
- I don’t know why he did it and
- The religious stigma from other Christians regarding his salvation.
“There’s a very common scripture in the book of Isaiah that has been on my mind this morning because it is Good Friday. It was written long before Christ died on the cross.
“The scripture is:
But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.
Isaiah 53:5 KJV
“The main questions I ask myself after reading numerous books, attending many support groups, and meeting many people with this type of loss are:
“Was Tyrel’s suicide:
- An intentional sin?
- a premeditated personal choice?
- an impulsive act due to short term mental anguish?
- an act due to long term chemically based mental illness?
“Look how this scripture literally covers all four situations!
- To transgress is to choose to intentionally disobey (Is suicide an intentional sin?)
- Iniquity refers to a premeditated choice (Is suicide a premeditated personal choice?)
- Chastisement of our peace means He took the punishment so that we may have peace (Is suicide an impulsive act due to short term mental anguish?)
- With his stripes we are healed (Is suicide the result of some long term chemically based mental illness)
“According to this scripture, the whys don’t really matter and Tyrel’s salvation is not in question. As a believer for all of his short life, he is covered no matter which way you look at it. Tyrel’s unimaginable actions are exactly why Jesus went to the cross.
“The Bible says so.”
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thelifeididntchoose 
my Lydia took her life when she was 23 on January 20 2016. she didnt believe in God so I dont think she is with God. this is my unbearable pain and why I cant wait until the day I get to die to be out of this pain
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Sandy, I am praying for you! We never know at the very last moment if a person calls out to Jesus for forgivesness✝️
Please rest in the Lord, He is with you !
God bless your heart always, Marian ❤️
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My son also took his life. He was more Buddhist than anything, believing in a positive energy we all possess, no beginning and no end, taking some with you when you die, but leaving so much behind. What a lovely thought- and what is God, really, if not a “positive energy” with all His teachings and understandings, with all that He did for us? I always told my son that he would be pleasantly surprised at the time of his death (not expecting it to be by suicide)— that in the last few seconds, God would be waiting to give him a choice. And who wouldn’t choose God? I hope you find peace for I truly believe your son, like mine, is with God.
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Thank you so much for sharing this, today of all days. I needed to read that. My son, Michael, took his own life just a few weeks ago in March. He struggled with demons that I could not ever possibly understand. He served three tours in Iraq, came home different every time. All he would say is that I didn’t need to know anything that went on over there. Soon after his last deployment, my brother was killed by a distracted driver on his motorcycle. He had 2 failed marriages and refused to divorce his third, even though she made him miserable. She pulled him further and further into a world I knew nothing about and introduced him to drugs. He was clean the morning he shot himself, she was not. I feel in my heart that he did the only thing he knew to do in order to protect his children. From her! She is not allowed to see them at all and is facing charges of neglect, drug use, drug dealing, prostitution, and other things. It’s absolutely horrible. His recent life is becoming clearer and the children are beginning to talk.
I know he believed in God, but he was angry and couldn’t forgive God for taking my brother. He knew that my brother was in a better place and wanted to be with him. I feel in my heart that he is finally at peace and his battles are over. Is what he did a sin? Yes it is. But there is no degree of sin and we all do it every day. Hate the sin, love the sinner, Right! He is at peace, his struggles are over, and his children are safe. My heart is broken, but he is in a better place.
You may ask why I needed to read this today… today is his birthday. He would have been 34. He is celebrating his birthday in a better place than I am. He’s been gone 51 days. Even Jesus went to Hell before he ascended into Heaven. Thank you!
Forever, Michael’s Mom
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Oh Melanie, I so appreciate your reaching out in this way to those of us who have lost children to suicide. I have followed you for at least a couple of years, and your poignant words relating to child loss have always spoken to me so deeply. I have struggled at times with thinking that suicide loss has to be the worst “kind” of child loss. But early on, I realized, it’s ALL awful, and it’s senseless to even try to compare, for that reason. I love that passage from Isaiah, and I have not applied it enough to our son, Robert’s suicide. What continues to plague me, even after almost 9 years, is Robert’s salvation- not because of the suicide itself, but because outwardly, he had rejected the Christian faith ( unfortunately, he had some atheistic influences). Yes, he had received Christ as a younger child, and was baptized; only the Lord knows what was truly in his heart at the time of his death. I know that God gives me the strength and grace on a daily basis to move forward and be present for my hubby, other 3 children, and grands! Some days I do better than others, but I know it’s a choice to rely on Him! Thank you, Melanie, for your wonderful ministry!
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Thank you so much for sharing. I’ve struggled with this as well since my 16yo son died by suicide almost one year ago. Another verse that comforts me is Romans 8:38 “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons ,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord”.
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Today marks one week since our son, Ryan’s suicide. I cannot keep food down. I hear the words offered..?prayers offered with me, Hod’s Word read to me. My brain just cannot comprehend its’ comfort. Services are still one week away..I feel myself withdrawing, afraid I’m burning out or hurting all who are reaching out to me.
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Pamela Wehking I was reading this post this morning- although it was from a year ago- and as I read your heartbreaking comment I realized our sons lives ended at nearly the same time. I am approaching the first year of that horrific day and you have just passed yours. For me this is still a moment to moment struggle. My heart goes out to you and I am so very sorry for this never ending pain you are in.
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I am so very sorry for your pain and loss. I hate that we moms “meet” this way but am so thankful for the grace and kindness extended from one heart to another. May you feel the Father’s loving arms around you today and always. ❤
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My son died 1/7/19 at the age of 19. It was incomprehensible that he would take his life- but he did. The pain was unbearable in the beginning and I think shock took the edge off. Two people sent me Is 57:1,2 and it spoke to me. The pain my son must have been in. He had tourettes with OCD and I did not know until after that the suicide rate is 10x higher. I have now come to believe it was the mercy of God to allow him to go home. I know I will see him again. You will survive I promise. Get godly counseling ASAP force yourself to stay engaged. Church was hard especially the praise and worship– sometimes I went in late to miss it– but God will speak to you through the messages in ways you never thought. I loved my son more than my life. He was my only son and I miss him more than words can say.
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Beth, thank you for sharing your heart. This is a hard journey no matter how a child leaves this life and suicide adds another very difficult and often stigmatizing layer to it. I’m thankful you have found solace in the Word and in the Presence of the One who will hold you and keep you. May the Lord continue to speak courage to your heart and help you hold onto hope. ❤
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Thank you for sharing the scripture . I always thought of suicide as a sin . Life is a gift from God to be cherished. I never thought one of my 5 children would ever take their own life . They have all been loved unconditionally and maybe even spoiled if I am honest. So when my oldest took his own life I was devastated. Christian was 32 depressed suffering with a severe case of OCD , anxiety , and had recently been diagnosed with HPV. The combination of those and the medications the Doctors prescribed I believe sent him into a tail spin . It all happened rather quickly or so I thought . Looking back I think he suffered in silence far longer than we knew . My faith and my son’s faith in Christ and his final words to us give me some peace knowing he is in heaven with other loved ones . I know in my heart God forgave him long before Christian pulled the trigger . Having said that I am human and weak , I have my moments of despair from the loss of my child . All the what if’s and should haves flood my head . I pray to our father to calm my thoughts ease my pain and help me walk forward to be there for my remaining children and grandchildren . To honor my son’s memory and the love we share.
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My son Eric who was 19 took his life in January of this year. He also had OCD with tourettes. Unfortunately I thought the OCD was mild but I have since learned it has one very ugly symptom that is silent. Constant unwanted thoughts of not good enough. He thought he was ugly and dumb and no one would ever marry him. He did not talk about it much but when he did I just thought it was typical young man stuff. He was a straight A student and taught himself to read, write and speak Japanese. He was 6’3″ 250lb BEAUTIFUL inside and out young man. He was the love of our life and it NEVER occured to us this was in the future! He had given his life to Christ and never put a foot wrong. What I think finally got him on the end was sleep deprivation. I knew for years he did not sleep well but he refused to take anything– when he moved into his own apartment in November I think it got much much worse. I will miss him forever!!💔💔
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I have firmly trusted and believed this. Thanks so much for sharing! I know others didn’t see this as I did when Levi took his life. I challenged them, and many have changed their hearts. I’m thankful for this woman and her faith!!!!
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Thank you for this post. I struggled for awhile after Joseph completed suicide about his salvation. I never believed suicide would cancel out his standing with God, but he was doubting his own faith. I believe it was the torment he way experiencing from OCD, Asperger’s and depression. The stigma has often kept me silent about Joseph bc of fear of judgement of my mothering. In the back if my mind, I wonder if people judge us as bad parents and that’s the reason he did it. I sense there would be more sympathy if it was a disease. It’s an extra burden.
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