I Don’t Want to Know The Future

Many years ago my grandparents had a lovely Fiftieth Anniversary Celebration with family and friends.

My dad videotaped it and the tape was full of fun moments where my grandmother was smiling, laughing and having a wonderful day.

It was a short time afterward that she began to show signs of dementia and not very long after that she left us.

We watched the videotape a year or two after her leaving and I thought, “What a mercy she didn’t know what was coming!”

Those moments were full of unadulterated joy because a sorrowful future was hidden from her heart.

What a mercy that curves in the road obscure my vision and mountaintop to mountaintop hides valleys in between.

I am so very thankful that I did not live the 23+ years I had with Dominic knowing his accident was coming. I was free to love him without fear.

If I, like God, knew the end from the beginning my heart could never bear the burden of foresight.

But He, in kindness, withholds the knowledge from my feeble frame and leads me step by step each day.




Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

4 thoughts on “I Don’t Want to Know The Future”

  1. A friend of mine called it “that great dark fear we hide from,” the fear every parent has of losing a child. Yet struggling with that fear and actually knowing your child’s fate (or that of anyone we love) would be unbearable. God knows it would drive us insane and we could not fully let ourselves live and love with that knowledge. I don’t know why God needed my Rachel in heaven at only 30 years old. I don’t know why she and her husband only got to have two months of marriage. But he and I and everyone else who loves her got to feel that love unburdened with knowledge of her fate.

    I dislike the trite phrase that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. But in this respect it’s true.


  2. It’s amazing how the phrases “Knowledge is power” and “Ignorance is bliss” can be simultaneously true! Like you, I’m thankful I didn’t know what was to come. The lyrics of Garth Brooks song, “The Dance” really resonated with me following Cole’s death. I’d do it all again for every moment of happiness and heartache that proceeded the ultimate sorrow and pain of parting. I’m sure you would too! But the day is coming; I keep reminding myself, reunion day is coming and like the old church hymn proclaimed, “What a day of rejoicing that will be”! I’m so glad you got 23+ years to love Dominic without fear. Hugs, dear friend, for this day and each one after when the absence of Dominic’s presence weighs heavy on your heart. The joys that are to come will be that much more joyful in contrast to the sorrow you’ve experienced. Soak them in knowing they are but a shadow of the joy that awaits us! We will meet up in Heaven and introduce our kids to each other if they don’t drag us together first! 🙂 (I’m thinking that’s a distinct possibility!

    Liked by 1 person

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