I Don’t Want to Know The Future

Many years ago my grandparents had a lovely Fiftieth Anniversary Celebration with family and friends.

My dad videotaped it and the tape was full of fun moments where my grandmother was smiling, laughing and having a wonderful day.

It was a short time afterward that she began to show signs of dementia and not very long after that she left us.

We watched the videotape a year or two after her leaving and I thought, “What a mercy she didn’t know what was coming!”

Those moments were full of unadulterated joy because a sorrowful future was hidden from her heart.

What a mercy that curves in the road obscure my vision and mountaintop to mountaintop hides valleys in between.

I am so very thankful that I did not live the 23+ years I had with Dominic knowing his accident was coming. I was free to love him without fear.

If I, like God, knew the end from the beginning my heart could never bear the burden of foresight.

But He, in kindness, withholds the knowledge from my feeble frame and leads me step by step each day.

 

i-dont-know-what-tomorrow-holds-but-i-know-who-holds-tomorrow

 

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

6 thoughts on “I Don’t Want to Know The Future”

  1. “He” was not so kind to me. I had to watch my beautiful son eaten up by heroin for over 10 years. In the end when we were forced to make the horrid decision to turn off life support. All that pain and suffering came to that. 8 weeks after my husband of 38 years walked out on me because I “didn’t make [him] happy”. He also abandoned our older son who has severe issues of Aspergers and superior intelligence coupled with being born too early for diagnosis so he fell into drug and alcohol abuse from bullying and being misunderstood, despite my years of taking him to try to find him help. In the year he and I existed alone (he lives like a hermit in the roughest part of Philly) I tried so hard to make he and I a tiny family..but he degenerated into a psychosis he remains in and has since 1 year ago now , when he cut me off completely because in frustration with the systems and my useless uncaring husband, I dared to tell him the bugs and worms were not real. The government was not sending through his open windows. His father launched a hideous 3 year campaign to destroy me during all this, so I would crack and maybe even kill myself and he could take all the money and assets we had accumulated over 38 years of marriage. I know this probably sounds impossible to have all happened to one person, but out did. Both my sons, btw, had been molested or raped when they were each 8 years old. One I never knew about until he turned 30 “now I know why I am so angry”, and the other, he told me when he was 16; his father did not believe him, I tried in vain for so many years to convince him he could not do it alone; all the while he tried, because he knew it would bring a lot of pain to many people, to do it himself, he fell slowly into self medication for the pain. No assurances I made could convince him it would be OK. It was a horrible truth for sure, and one a small boy growing into a man should never ever have to carry alone. He was the most beautiful child, the most caring, generous and brilliantly talented and beloved human being. His awful death played out in November, from a search for him to finding him in a coma, to a bedside watch, to an eventual horrific moment in time for a mother, and to his life celebration on…Thanksgiving weekend four years ago. I had faith once. I desperately need it again, but I can’t find it anywhere. I sit alone at 62 and wonder what happened to my entire life..the small family I created so naively and with so much hope and care. I wonder where a God is in all of this. I’m still standing but I curse it everyday that I am. Save for vainly hoping I can help my son some day, or at least bury him with love, I have nothing left to be thankful for.

    Do you read these comments? I read everything you post and repost. I believe there are some valleys so low, nothing exists there. My son was on his knees, I have been on my knees, and I don’t hear or see anything with me.

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    1. I absolutely read the comments although not always right away depending on my schedule and whether or not I have good internet service. I am so, so sorry for your terrible pain and loss. I do believe that multiple awful things can happen to one person. I wish it weren’t so. If you read many of my posts, you will know that I acknowledge that. I can’t help you find your faith again but I can confidently state that the Lord has not abandoned you even if it feels that way. I pray that He makes His Presence known to you in a way that helps you find your hope again. May He overwhelm your heart with His love, grace and mercy. ❤

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  2. A friend of mine called it “that great dark fear we hide from,” the fear every parent has of losing a child. Yet struggling with that fear and actually knowing your child’s fate (or that of anyone we love) would be unbearable. God knows it would drive us insane and we could not fully let ourselves live and love with that knowledge. I don’t know why God needed my Rachel in heaven at only 30 years old. I don’t know why she and her husband only got to have two months of marriage. But he and I and everyone else who loves her got to feel that love unburdened with knowledge of her fate.

    I dislike the trite phrase that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. But in this respect it’s true.

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  3. It’s amazing how the phrases “Knowledge is power” and “Ignorance is bliss” can be simultaneously true! Like you, I’m thankful I didn’t know what was to come. The lyrics of Garth Brooks song, “The Dance” really resonated with me following Cole’s death. I’d do it all again for every moment of happiness and heartache that proceeded the ultimate sorrow and pain of parting. I’m sure you would too! But the day is coming; I keep reminding myself, reunion day is coming and like the old church hymn proclaimed, “What a day of rejoicing that will be”! I’m so glad you got 23+ years to love Dominic without fear. Hugs, dear friend, for this day and each one after when the absence of Dominic’s presence weighs heavy on your heart. The joys that are to come will be that much more joyful in contrast to the sorrow you’ve experienced. Soak them in knowing they are but a shadow of the joy that awaits us! We will meet up in Heaven and introduce our kids to each other if they don’t drag us together first! 🙂 (I’m thinking that’s a distinct possibility!

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