Why I Still Speak About My Son

 

I know it makes some people uncomfortable when I speak of Dominic.

They aren’t sure whether to join in or ignore my comment and hope I change the subject.

I get it-they are wondering whether my continued interest in my missing child is a sign of mental illness (she’s “stuck” in grief) or a delusion or wishful thinking.  They have no frame of reference other than an elderly relative whose passing into eternity was a more orderly and expected event.

But out of order death is wrenching and traumatic and not the way things are supposed to be.  A parent doesn’t stop thinking about or talking about or loving his or her child simply because they have been robbed of their physical presence.

I speak of my son because he is STILL MY SON.

 

 

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Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

14 thoughts on “Why I Still Speak About My Son”

  1. Melanie..I shall speak if my darling son for as long as I walk this earth, that is my promise to him and to the Lord. That will be every day that I’m here.
    I want to hear all about your son Dominic..all of us do! He looks an amazing young man, and musical.like my son, too . You really are a credit to him for your posts Melanie. I could not begin to express or put into words that you write with such feeling and honesty, about a subject I knew virtually nothing on..child loss. Your writing is always so appropriate to what I am experiencing and very well set out, especially as concentrating can be hard these days. I can read other parts as you made it easy to navigate . Thank you Melanie. You may be miles away from me but you are a friend to me, and all the others who read and comment on here.

    If so called “friends” don’t like that I speak of my son..well I won’t consider them as friends any longer!!
    Rule number one..If you don’t talk about my child., or me talking about my child makes you uncomfortable..goodbye! You really don’t need these people around you. You have written a brilliant section on these things people say or do..I was nodding yes!! Yes! That’s happened to me.
    Strange thing is more I open up the more amazing new people are surrounding me and literally carrying me through this sadness and overwhelming new feelings of loss and grief that are unbearable, frightening and also occurring at the most unexpected times with such intensity.
    Its four months since we lost our darling boy suddenly and unexpected. That day my family was smashed up. Nothing…nothing prepares you for this. I’m thinking maybe people are scared to approach us..or glad it’s not them? worried they might say the wrong thing? I don’t know, but the ones I thought would be here..aren’t. And the ones who are are my rocks. They expect nothing. They know I might not reply for days. They are just THERE. And I know they are.
    Those friends who have stepped up have amazed me. The ones who send you a message every day..just seeing how you’re doing, talking about my son., sharing stories of my son asking to see pictures of him….or the ones who want you to meet their new grandchildren..with extra special cuddles for me. They know how much I love kids! Only.when it’s safe of course! Talking to me about my son, ASKING me about my son..what did he like, what was his favourite things….these are the sort of friends I want in my world. His friends have been unbelievable..their thoughts and feelings have given me so much comfort to my soul knowing my son was a good Friend to them.
    The saddest thing of all is my son was simply the funniest, happiest little boy ..we never saw him sad ..he was born with a smile on his beautiful face. Look at us now. I feel like I’ll never experience true happiness again..how can I ..without him?
    I also have found a new strength, tell it straight. No messing. This is the new me. Walking on with my son and the Lord . Most days I can’t walk, but it’s then I’m picked up and carried on. That’s my faith. Tested, again and again…why him? Why him?
    Also..I repeatedly am being told ‘I can’t believe how you are managing”..well, actually I’m not..I’m out there because I have to. I have other children, although I feel like just curling up and pulling the bedcovers over my head.

    Thanks my dear Melanie ..God bless you and your family xx

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    1. Maddie. Beautiful writing and sharing. I lost my son 3 years ago and Melanie has been my rock. Iam sorry for your loss. There are no words for this loss. Just wanted to comment to you, so true. You write my heart. 🧡🧡

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      1. Thank you so much Carmen for your kind words.and I am truly sorry for the loss of your son .I am so comforted that we are all united via Melanie for our children and our love for them is eternal ..sing their names from the hilltops! God bless everyone xxx

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  2. It feels easier to talk to people about my son that never knew me before he died. They seem more empathetic than people that did know me before and are just waiting for me to be “my old self” again. Which we all know, is not possible.

    So when we speak our our child, they are like oh no… it’s the new version that I’m hoping gets better soon and let’s the old person return.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I completely agree. Funny, I just read a post from a young mother who does not want to discuss her heavenly daughter with new co-workers, yet, and I get it. It’s personal for us all. But I must speak of my son in my regular conversations. Prayers for you, prayers for us all.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree with you. I constantly talk about Karly. I work with people that never had the chance to meet my girl, yet if you ask them, they would tell you they feel as if they knew her. She is part of my daily conversation. This is such a difficult journey. I do not know how people survive it without God. Much love to you 💖

      Liked by 1 person

      1. May you feel the Father’s loving arms around you today and may He overwhelm your heart with His grace and mercy. Thank you for joining the conversation and encouraging others. ❤

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    2. I think some people do want to keep their child loss journey separate from their professional life. Sometimes it can be an escape to have a space where you aren’t known as the “bereaved parent”. Like you, I am compelled to speak of my son wherever I am and whoever I’m with. May the Lord give you what you need for every day. ❤

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  4. I so dislike that look I see in people’s face when I speak of our son. It is something worse than pity and discomfort. I truly feel I am being evaluated for mental illness or being graded on a test or something. I guess this is just part of The Experience. Thank you for every time you make me feel I am not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

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