Facing My Inner Pharisee


In centuries past it was common for Christ followers to fast.

They fasted for many reasons:  to consecrate themselves for a task; to seek answers to prayer; observance of seasons on the church calendar; or for strength to overcome besetting sin.

Today, fasting has fallen out of favor in most western churches-deemed unnecessary or an attempt to gain favor with God by “works”.

That’s unfortunate.  

Because fasting has never been about making points with God, it’s been about removing self-reliance from our spiritual vocabulary.

It’s not about demonstrating personal fortitude or displaying self-righteousness, it’s about recognizing my weakness and desperate dependence on Christ.  

Perhaps the greatest hindrance to our work is our own imagined strength; and in fasting we learn what poor, weak creatures we are – dependent on a meal of meat for the little strength which we are so apt to lean upon.

~Hudson Taylor

Like the Pharisees, though, I am apt to make much of my “sacrifice” and little of Christ’s sufficiency.  I want to bargain with God and rise in the ranks of His favor because I’m so “good”.

It doesn’t work like that.  

I was almost to the end of a 40 day fast when Dominic was killed.

I am physically unable to fast 40 days consecutively so, for several years, I had done an every-other-day fast so that it equaled 40 days.

At some point in the first week after Dom ran ahead to heaven I remember crying out to God, “What exactly do You want from me??? I’ve done all that I know to do in an attempt to live up to Your expectations, and yet it is never enough!”

And (not then, certainly!) but at some point in the nearly 3 years since, He answered, “Your righteous acts are as filthy rags. The only sufficient sacrifice is My own Son’s blood.”

THAT was humbling.

Because even though I would have given the same answer to anyone else who thought they could “work” their way into God’s good graces, obviously the truth of it had not seeped into the fabric of my being.

I WAS trying to make points with God.  And I was angry He hadn’t taken that into consideration and spared me the pain of burying my son.

We often mock the Pharisees for thinking that “getting it right” means “being righteous”, but I understand the temptation to substitute acts of righteousness for relying on relationship through Jesus Christ.

The one means I am in control, the other means I have to follow and give up control.

If there is one thing I’ve learned through child loss that I cannot forget for even a millisecond is: I am NOT in control.

I am utterly dependent on Him for life, for breath, for saving AND sustaining grace.  

For it’s by God’s grace that you have been saved. You receive it through faith. It was not our plan or our effort. It is God’s gift, pure and simple. You didn’t earn it, not one of us did, so don’t go around bragging that you must have done something amazing.

Ephesians 2:8-9 VOICE

Fasting from food is relatively easy.  Fasting from my tendency toward self-righteousness is much harder.  

This year, as I observe Lent,

as I fast,

as I add in holy habits,

I am asking God to help me remember that I am not trying to win His favor,

I am making room to hear His heart.



Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

2 thoughts on “Facing My Inner Pharisee”

  1. thanks for sharing. He is listening to you and I know in my heart He will answer your prayer. It is so hard to understand as humans why and why and why……Did I diserve this” The answer does not come. I do know that Goddid not promise us a rose garden, but He did say He would never neave or forsake us, so still is the why and why. I know in my younger years I ws led to read His word and try to do what was right. I did not always of course, but His Word stayed with me and when in Denver, I was baptised in His name. Although I was saved long before tha, just a testimony of my love and faith in God. I talk to God and argue with Him. He loves me and listens, but does not give in to me in one of my why why sessions. I will say, after these converesations, I do feel renewed. I lve you very much and always will ………….IMama

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I use to fast on some occasions. In each case, I felt like I was led to it. Sometimes I did fast on my own. Usually just a meal though. I one occasion, when my mother-in-law had her heart valve replaced, some 25 years ago. I got up in the morning. Had a glass and water a slice of bread and did my morning devotional. I felt strongly led to fast and pray for her surgery. I went into the living room, sat down and prayed…then I heard a voice say, “Get up and eat.” So I did, not realizing it was 12 hours later. They gave 10 years because the valves only last that long. They usually break. She is still alive today at 81. She’s done well not because I fasted, but because God to do what he did. I just followed God’s instruction to fast. I haven’t fasted since, except when Amanda passed. But, that wasn’t really fasting. Just not hungry.

    Liked by 1 person

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