The Day Before It All Fell Apart

Friday, April 11, 2014:

Julian and I went to a college honors banquet and came back to the house to find Fiona home for the weekend.  I called Hector and texted with James Michael.

I turned out the light and went to sleep.  

No warning shots across the bow of life rang out to let me know what was coming.

But that Friday was the last day I spent misunderstanding the awfulness of death and the absolute uncertainty of life.

Those were the final 24 hours when I indulged in silly chatter, playful planning and the mundane tasks that used to take up most of my time.

That Friday was the last night I fell asleep thanking God that all my family were safe and secure.

It was the last night I COULD have called Dominic, but didn’t because he was coming over Saturday morning.


The sun rose for us, but not for him.

I will never forgive myself for not talking to him one last time.

I woke up in the still-dark morning to a deputy knocking on the door to tell me Dominic had been killed.

And my world fell apart.

dragging heartIt’s been three years and it is not yet put back together.  Pieces have been picked up and tacked into what remains of the outer shell.

I can function.

I can even laugh.

And I am so, so grateful for the family I have still with me.  Together we are working hard to make it through.

But there are no words to help those who have never buried a child understand the depth of the pain, the sorrow and the ongoing struggle to live each day.

I miss my son.

I miss the family we used to be.

I miss the old me.

I miss being blissfully ignorant of exactly how awful death is.


I will not live long enough for this to stop hurting.

My son is gone.

He is GONE.

He is still gone.

And even three years later,I can barely stand it.


Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

23 thoughts on “The Day Before It All Fell Apart”

  1. Prayers for you Melanie. We know how hard these days are, especially anniversary days. Dominic is so handsome. Thank you for writing in spite of all you’re going through, you always encourage others. You put into words what we all feel.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Melanie, Thanks for this post. Everything you post is meaningful to me. But this post especially. I shared it with my 3 closest friends. They so want to know how to help me and I struggle to know how to describe how my life is now. Still pondering lament and legacy from your retreat talks. Thank you!


    1. It is so hard for people to understand what we go through on a daily bases, since that dreadful day. We are empty shells of our old life. I call it a club that you can never resign from, until we take our last breath. 1993 was my year to join the club,even though the years have passed, I still feel like it was today,I’ve continued to live but in my heart it doesn’t feel like I have. Part of us died when our child died.
      Forever a Grieving Mother

      Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s been 5 1/2 Years for me and I feel exactly as you do! I miss my son!! I am functioning and doing life with a huge whole in my heart. I have 3 children and 1/3 of my heart is gone. I will never be whole again until I see his face again in heaven!! Thanks for putting into words how I feel!!


  4. Melanie, it is amazing that you have that text. Thank you for your great and accurate expression of loss. Dominic is such a good looking man.
    blessings @}-\–

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Exactly!
    I miss my daughter so much!
    I miss how our family used to be.
    I miss who I was.
    I too will never live long enough for it to stop hurting.
    Thank you for your words!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. I wish no parent knew this awful road. May the Lord lift you up and carry you in His arms of love. May He flood your heart with His mercy and grace. ❤


  6. 18 months for us today. It seems like yesterday. The day before it happened we were getting ready to go see him . Busy with last minute details for the 6 hour drive. Didn’t text or phone him like I normally did, thinking we had all the time in the world to talk to him the next day. I too felt so horrible for the longest time that I hadn’t texted him with more than a ” see you tomorrow” . However , I have come to learn that words unspoken do not make a life story and I know without a shadow of a doubt that he KNEW we loved him always just as I know he loved us. I take comfort in that knowledge , and that he was laid safe into the the arms of God, his heart filled with our love to guide him through his journey.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You are so right-I am thankful that our family shared a culture of mutual respect, care and spoken and unspoken love. That is a great comfort to me on this side of missing my son. May the Lord continue to give you the strength you need for each new day. ❤


      1. I sometimes don’t have the strength to even want to get out of bed I lay and talk to her and my God it seems like it was only yesterday she pass but if it weren’t for the faith I have I could never get thru this it does help to talk to God no one understands this except the ones that have been thru it it hurts so bad so God helps me every day

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Yesterday was the second anniversary of Scott’s death. You are so right! There is no end to the heartache . My heart hurts. Nothing will ever change that. I miss him.

    Liked by 1 person

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