I wrote this post Thankful But Broken, in November, 2015-just barely 18 months after Dominic ran ahead to heaven.
If that’s how I felt THEN, it’s even more how I feel NOW.
Both the thankfulness and brokenness have burrowed deeper into my bones.
Losing the earthly companionship of a child I love has shattered my heart into so many fragments that I can’t find them, much less piece them back together.
But it has also made me oh, so aware of each day’s blessings and of each moment’s sacred holiness.
I can receive more freely because so much has been stolen. I appreciate what I have because I know what it is to long for what can never be again. I can both hold onto and let go of people and things and trust that in the end all shall be well. Because I know exactly what it feels like when all is most certainly NOT well.
The cracks in my heart make room for more love, more joy (muted though it is) and more thanksgiving than my whole heart could have ever held.
I am truly thankful. AND truly broken.
So my November exercise is to embrace BOTH.
My ‘Thankfulness Journal” has two lines for each day: “I am thankful for” and “I am broken over”. Like the Psalmist, I choose to breathe out my brokenness in lament and breathe in the promises of God in gratitude.
I am sad and shattered that this life is hard.
I am encouraged and comforted that God is good.
I can admit both and still be faith-filled.