Why is it “dwelling” in one instance and “remembering” in another?
Who gets to decide whether I’m taking out a cherished memory, holding it, stroking it and reliving it because it’s all I have left or I’m clutching the past, refusing to let go?
I will be the first to admit that mulling over past offenses is probably the last thing I need to do. Especially if I’m trying to forgive them. That’s not helpful nor is it healthy.
But there’s a difference between THAT kind of thinking and the kind of thinking every bereaved parent does about his or her missing child.
When Dominic ran ahead to heaven, there was a sudden, horrible and unchangeable end to new experiences, to making any more memories, to another conversation, picture or text.
All I have of my son is whatever I had saved up to the moment of his accident.
And it is not enough.
It will never be enough to fill up the spaces of what my heart wishes I had.
He lived for nearly 24 years. But I can’t withdraw those memories like cash and “spend” them, day for day, for the next 24 years.
It doesn’t work that way.
So I have favorite moments, like we all do, that I pull out over and over. I cherish them like precious stones or rare coins. I hold them, stroke them, tell the stories behind them and hug them close.
Not because I can’t “move forward”.
Here I am nearly four years later living, breathing and fully connected to the people and events in my present!
I do it because memories are a way to remain connected to Dominic.
He is as much a part of my life-unseen by others, unheard by others, often forgotten by others-as the living, breathing children that are still here with me.
So I am not DWELLING on these memories.
I am hanging on with both hands because I refuse to let one-quarter of my heart be relegated to darkness and silence because of other people’s discomfort.
I will remember.
As long as I have breath I will speak my remembrance.
I will never, ever, ever let go.