Not Anti-Social. Just Selectively Social.

Grief changes lots of things.  

I am simply not able to spend energy on frivolous and marginally meaningful social activities anymore. 

I’m sure that hurts some folks feelings and I am truly sorry.

But I can’t help it.  

Truth is, we all have a limited amount of energy to spend on life’s commitments, celebrations and unexpected circumstances.  It’s just that most of us aren’t forced to admit it very often.  Before Dominic ran ahead to heaven, I could “rob Peter to pay Paul” as my daddy used to say.  A few days of not enough sleep, a few days of rushing here and there, a few days of biting my tongue and smiling when I wanted to cry were bearable.

I could survive a week or two and then take a day or two to recover.  Good as new.

I don’t have that luxury anymore.  

Now I operate every. single. day. on a razor thin edge of just enough energy to get by and not enough energy to get out of the bed.

So I am selective about social commitments because I know the energy just isn’t there.

I’m not withdrawing, I’m drawing boundaries.

I promise you are still important to me but I may have to check up online instead of in person.

I want to know about every special and exciting thing going on in your life-I want to celebrate with you!-even if it’s from a distance.  

Please don’t scratch me off your list just because I don’t always say “yes” anymore.

I will keep showing up when I can and send a card or gift when I can’t.

I care.  

I promise.  

I’m doing the best I can.


Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

7 thoughts on “Not Anti-Social. Just Selectively Social.”

  1. I so very much connect to this, that it hurts!! Tim’s birthday is coming up May26th, and he would have been his “golden” birthday…26 on the 26th. I can’t believe he is gone, 18 months now as well. He had so much ahead of him. He was applying to grad school, had a beautiful girlfriend/fiance, two siblings that loved him more than you can imagine. I feel so alone, as I am going through an awful divorce, that I’m sure makes me believe My Boy died of a broken heart.
    I don’t want to go out, because my life is nothing like anyone’s I know, and I don’t want to put myself in social positions that create that lonely pain, or awkwardness for others, so I don’t….However, I stay home and am lonely alone. I am praying for peace and guidance in so many avenues of my life – my divorce, selling my home, keeping my home, where to move, finances, etc. No one in my family or friends can even begin to understand. I wouldn’t ever wish this on anyone of them, but they say they get it, but they can’t, which is fine. I know God has a plan, but this divorce has gone on for 4 years, and with Tim, as Melanie puts it, ran ahead to Heaven, my heart breaks a little more everyday. I have to b patient, I know, but working and getting out of bed is harder each day. I have 2 other children that are adults, 30 and 32, that need me in such a different way than Tim, at this point in their life, so I have to focus on that for now. Thanks so much for listening, and creating this space to share!!


  2. Oh my how true, I’ve just finished a long text to someone I really care about but haven’t got the energy to travel the 17 miles to visit.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I absolutely understand!! I live at least 17 miles from anywhere (except my little church and a couple friends) and often have to send those texts/ messages. Right after Dom left us so many people wanted to “get together” in the town where he was killed (about 25 miles away). They had no idea how much energy it took to make those miles, to drive into that city limit and to sit surrounded by dozens of reminders of what I’d lost and what I’d never have. There are probably 3 women of that initial crowd that understood and still contact me 4 years later. It’s not their fault. Just the way it is. ❤


      1. We are just on our way back from a 300mile round trip visiting close friends who are almost family. We’ve had to curtail out visit because of a nasty incident last night.
        An argument developed between my much loved friend and her partner over the most inconsequential difference in their memories of over 29 years ago. We were called on to verify which one’s memory was correct. My husband and I confirmed as tactfully as we could that it was hers that was.
        The ensuing anger and vitriol has left my husband, 25 year old daughter and myself wondering what the heck just hit us. There are some serious underlying issues that seem to have escalated over that last few years.
        After such a tramatic event in our lives of Luke being so unhappy to have taken his own life, we cannot “get”
        I feel devastated that I have abandoned my friend and two grown twins but none of the three of us has the wherewithal to support them at a time when the family is so obviously going through their own possible life changing event.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh this hits home for me. Prom was last night and high school graduation is coming. Travis would have been a senior this year. On Apri 28th he would have been 19 and on April 30th, my birthday, it will be 18 months since we lost him. I am so excited for the wonderful young people that I know and love experiencing these wonderful rites of passage, but my heart is shattering once again. It reminds me of all of the moments we expected to share with Travis will never be. I don’t want to hurt any feelings, but I don’t know if I can do it. Graduation is on Mother’s Day and this is another day that is extremely difficult for me. I am so anxious about these days all coming so close together. I don’t want to let anyone down, including myself. I want to be there. I just don’t know if I can.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Search “ social settings” in the blogs search bar and there are some posts with practical suggestions on how to survive when you choose to go. I am so sorry that your heart has to navigate this treacherous territory full of emotional land mines. Praying that the Lord gives you wisdom and strength and that He gives friends and family compassion toward you. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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