It took me awhile to “feel” God again after Dominic ran ahead to Heaven.
I would journal my thoughts/prayers/questions and answer myself with Scripture.
My heart was still so very shattered that the words often slid right off.
But eventually, as I kept speaking truth to my heart and waiting on God, I heard them again.
I won’t lie and say that I often or even regularly get the goosebumps I used to get when I sing worship songs or read a section of Scripture.
I have something else, though, and that is rock-solid confidence in the promises of God to redeem and renew even if I, like the prophet Habakkuk, will have to live this life in a state of loss, want and under the tyranny of circumstances I’d rather avoid.
So I cling to that truth with both hands even when it seems the Lord is silent or far away.
“The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds’ feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]!”
~Habakkuk 3:19 AMPC
The times when I am lonely can help me focus on God more intimately. I can speak quite freely and honestly with the Lord. And even if there is silence from the Heavens when I pray, I know that the Lord hears me. He speaks back through His written Word. In these moments, I truly feel the presence of the One that Jesus rightly called The Comforter — The Holy Spirit. Yes, I know that conversations with God are not the same as with a tangible person in the room. But sometimes they are much deeper, going straight to the heart.
~Warren Ludwig, Jewels in the Junkyard
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thelifeididntchoose 
Im so glad I came across this today. It’s been almost 13 months since my son left, I’ve prayed, read scripture, journaled, read books, cried, prayed, read scripture, & journaled some more. I’ve trusted the Lord through the darkest & quietest time in my life. Nothing feels the same & in this last month I’ve began to wonder if this “silence” is because there is something wrong with me. I’ve even gotten upset with God lately & began to question everything I’ve ever believed about Him.
But then I come back to the fact that IF that is true, then my whole life & everything I’ve built my faith on & everything God has done prior to my son’s death was a lie. And I know that is not true because I have evidence of Him throughout my life. I’ve read a number of your posts & so many have helped me but this silence is deafening during a time when I need Him the most. But I continue on praying, reading, writing, searching, & waiting for the day that I can hear & feel Him again because I know He is worth the wait. Thank you for sharing your journey!
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Thank you Melanie for your honesty. You have no idea how much I needed this today. I felt so carried during my son’s hospitalization. In the 20 months since I feel so far away from God. I am trying to clung to Him but I feel so alone. Someone in the comments referred to the slow burning anger. I feel this now, I don’t know what to do with this. I don’t want to feel like thus. I just wish He would let me feel carried again. Thank you for sharing your journey so I feel less crazy.
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Not that i dont believe in God or Heaven, but how can he let innocent children suffer and take them away from thier mothers? It will be a year since November 2 since i lost my 8 year old daughter and i literally cant stand it.
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I am so, so sorry. If you are able to read ( I know I couldn’t for a long time) consider reading C S Lewis’ The Problem of Pain. He does a much better job than I can of addressing your question. I do know this: I have learned to live in the questions. Praying that the Lord will give you grace and overwhelm your heart with His love. ❤️
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His ways are so much higher than ours is all I can say. I lost my 15yr old daughter 3 1/2 yrs ago and I’ve questioned why ever since. I thank God for the 15yrs He gave me and I thank Him now that He is looking after her until I get there. Covid would have been a very frightening time for us with Dakota and I trust Gods that Hls will is perfect and sometimes He spares our children from further pain. It is hard for us who are left behind, but our children are only lent to us for as long as the Lord allows. I am in no way over losing my daughter and never will be, but I have to trust that His will is perfect. Just as when Jesus prayed in the garden of gethsemane when He knew He had to face the cross, He prayed “ not my will, but yours be done “ to His father in heaven. That was the place I had to come to with my Dakota, and I must accept His will xx
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It seems like your grief journey has mirrored mine in so many ways, only I am a little further down the road than you (I am approaching my 10 year anniversary). Although my foundations are rock solid, I have entered a time of simmering anger,that I do not like. Rather than deny it, I am totally open and honest towards God about it. I know he understands. I hope this phase passes soon.
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Yes. I understand what you mean about less “goosebump” moments. For me I do experience them, but almost always when singing about or contemplating Heaven. It has a whole new depth of meaning for me now.
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No I can’t “stand still in terror” God has more plans for me and I have every confidence in that ❤
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