Worse For Wear, I Don’t Care

I have never been one of those women who lied about her age.

My weight…well, you will have to threaten me with something that matters to get THAT number out of my lips.

But I’ve noticed this year more than others since Dominic left us that the wear and tear of years and tears and life and loss are showing up on my face as well as my hips.

I am definitely the worse for wear.

My daughter is getting married in May and for the first time in my life I am religious about applying under eye cream and moisturizing lotion to my face each morning and night.

who wants to look young

I don’t want to be the sore thumb in the family pictures!

I’m not sure it’s working.  I’m not sure anything can erase or roll back the marks that life and love and loss have etched on my face.

I’m not sure I want to.

Because each wrinkle, each line, each saggy, baggy skin flap says, “I loved, I lived and I am surviving-even though it’s hard.”

Before Dom left I was camera shy.  I still am, a bit.  But I’m trying hard to suck up my pride and my insecurity and let those flashes pop.  Memories are made one day at a time and photos help preserve them.

engagement party group shot (2)

So whether I’m at my best, at my worst or somewhere in between, I won’t say no to a Kodak moment.

I wish I had more of them from “before”.

Dominic and family at PRSSA banquet

I wish I hadn’t’ been so darned particular about what I looked like, what I was wearing and whether or not my wrinkles or big butt showed.

Worse for wear?

Who cares?

This one wasn’t made to last.  

For instance, we know that when these bodies of ours are taken down like tents and folded away, they will be replaced by resurrection bodies in heaven—God-made, not handmade—and we’ll never have to relocate our “tents” again. Sometimes we can hardly wait to move—and so we cry out in frustration. Compared to what’s coming, living conditions around here seem like a stopover in an unfurnished shack, and we’re tired of it! We’ve been given a glimpse of the real thing, our true home, our resurrection bodies! The Spirit of God whets our appetite by giving us a taste of what’s ahead. He puts a little of heaven in our hearts so that we’ll never settle for less.

2 Corinthians 5:1-5 MSG

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

13 thoughts on “Worse For Wear, I Don’t Care”

  1. My husband said the other day he thought our daughters death would kill us both. It’s been 4 years life has gone on and we both feel as tho her death was yesterday. The pain does ease but is always with us. I have gained weight and do feel like I look much older, my husband looks older and I’ve noticed changes in his personality. Losing a child is painful and full of sorrow.

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  2. For now, I look the same as before. My hair is still gray, I’m still fat and yes my health problems are still there. It’s the insides that have changed so much. I wrote a blog on that, I’m just a shadow of the man I use to be. I’m sure in time, my outsides will show up from the insides. Hugs.

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      1. I’m glad I get you to laugh. I hear it’s good medicine. Hehe. I’m also glad you’re learning from me. I don’t have as many words to say as you, but I still have them. I find it odd that women are the ones that ask me to continue to write. The encouragement helps me to continue on, nonetheless. Hugs.

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      2. I think we want you to write because we need to hear a man’s perspective and so few men are willing to put theirs out there. Men might encourage you too, if they would just write 🙂

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      3. From reading the numerous blogs that women write, our grieving isn’t all that much different. Doesn’t even to matter how differently our child has died. Maybe it’s just the way we react differently to situations. Not really sure. Haven’t really thought about it to much. I did write one, fight like a man. The way we’re taught to hide feelings growing up. Maybe you see the differences more than I do. Thanks for encouraging me. Hugs.

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  3. I love the way you read my mind Melanie. I too used to always shy away from having my photo taken. I usually got around it by being the one taking the photos. Now I regret those missed opportunities. While I have lots of photos of Kari and our family, often I’m the missing one. I try hard now to put aside my concerns over how I look and make sure I’m in the photos.
    I agree too about the toll that grief takes in our bodies and faces. I always looked younger than I was. Now, not so much. But as you say, these lines and wrinkles have been “earned” through loving and missing our precious ones. So I’ll accept this “shell” I’ve been given, until it’s time to receive my new imperishable one.
    Rhyl

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    1. It’s hard to get over ourselves, isn’t it? Truth be told, when I look at snapshots of family from years ago, I’m never judging their body composition or hairstyle (unless joking about big hair!). I’m relishing the opportunity to see who they were when the photo was taken, to learn more of their story and understand more about them. I’m sure that’s how it will be when I am gone. ❤

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  4. Melanie. You are beautiful. You have been such an inspiration with my walk thru this horrible journey since Peyton’s death. I hope when I am ever near your area I can hug you.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. It’s hard seeing the toll this journey has added to our aging process isn’t it Melanie?
    In the last month I have taken to having photographs printed again. As a family we have always enjoyed looking at family albums and because of taking photos on our phones we rarely get a hard copy. I’ve downloaded an App that gives me free photos for just p&p, I’m avoiding the truly rubbish ones of me 🤣 but having great fun receiving each new batch in the post.
    When you did your short video a few days ago, it was great seeing you, you looked lovely, particularly with the way you had styled your hair ❤

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    1. Yep. I’m glad you are doing that. I did for awhile after Dom left but have left off the past year. Need to start again. I know the children, at least, will want to pictures. 🙂 ❤

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