Background Music

Another bereaved mom wrote that she was better able to cope now than she had been a year ago.

And thanks to Facebook memories she had proof.

Several comments down a second mom wrote something that got me thinking-when, exactly, did Dominic’s loss move from the forefront to the background?

I’m not sure I can pinpoint a day or moment when I realized that sorrow was no longer ALL I feel and Dominic’s absence no longer ALL I see.

I remember when more experienced loss moms posted and talked about grief being gentler and quieter I thought that they were out of their minds.

How in the world would this breath-robbing, heart-stopping, crippling pain ever be anything close to “gentle”?

How could the pulsating, blasting, all-consuming noise of loss become softer?

In the first days, months and even years, everything about loss was so loud it was all I could hear.

Rock concert, standing-next-to-the-giant-speakers-loud.

So loud it shook my body and made me want to cover my ears.  There was no way to block the sound, no silent corner where I could retreat and hide.  Just relentless pounding noise and pain.

But little by little, in imperceptible increments the volume decreased.

Now, missing Dominic is the background music to everything.  A quiet tune I hum in my head that keeps me company all day and invades my dreams at night.

If I take a moment and pay attention or when other things quiet down, it moves again to the forefront.

My head and heart are never free of the music Dominic brings to my life.  He is the soundtrack to my days, the lullaby as I fall asleep.

dominic at gray haven

No longer an ear-piercing scream demanding attention, grief is now mostly a quiet song in a minor key.  

Never silent.  

Always playing.  

music from dandelion

 

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

18 thoughts on “Background Music”

  1. “Now, missing Dominic is the background music to everything. A quiet tune I hum in my head that keeps me company all day and invades my dreams at night.”
    I LOVE this! It is so true. Today makes 28 months that my son Steve decided he could not live with the depression that took so much of his fun loving spirit away from him. As hard as he tried, he lost his battle. The noise does get very loud on certain days, so much it takes my breath away as in those first days and weeks. Melanie, you always seem to have the perfect words to describe how I am feeling. Wishing you much love, Katherine

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My son will be dead 9 years next week. This is the perfect description, especially as he was a musician. And for those endless milestones he is not here for, the music blares. I talk to him all day. Thank you for this…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you for sharing this. At almost three years I could never imagine a day when this could even remotely occur. But hold on, mamas, joy DOES come in the morning.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Paula, I, too, am at the 3 year mark. Although this is still hell on earth, I do get a reprieve more often than before. Never could imagine being able to laugh again, but I find myself enjoying life at times. Love to you all! Marcy

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It always warms my heart to read the comments here. I love when one parent reaches out to another. Time, by itself, doesn’t do a thing. But time, plus the work grief requires helps our hearts learn to carry the burden better. I can laugh again. I pray that both of you will be able too as well one day. ❤

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  4. I recently loss my 18yr old son in January.My God this is the most God awful pain i have ever felt.I have good days and bad days.The grief knocks the wind out of you.It comes from out of no where.It can be a thought,song,picture,video…I miss my boy so much.What I would give for another hug or just to hear”hey ma”..I know people say he is with me but its not the same.I have so many questions.He was such a good kid.Why did God take him?So sad to know that so many other moms are on this journey..It is one we should not know..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am so sorry for your pain and your loss dear one. I do not believe that God took your son but I believe He was there to receive him. It’s a hard, hard journey and the first days, months even years are the hardest. I pray that the Lord wraps His loving arms around you and gives you strength. ❤

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  5. THIS!! Wow, I read this and thought this is exactly where I’m at almost 4 years later. The picture of Koby being the background music of my life is both comforting and sad at the same time. His memory is always there…but that’s all it is…a memory. The noise of grief is quieter, but never gone. I have tinnitus. When there are other sounds during the day, the sound in my ears becomes less and often imperceptible. Sometimes the noise of daily life drowns it out completely. But when I slow down and the sounds around me quiet down, the noise can become loud in my ears. It’s odd…early on I remember when I would go a few minutes without thinking about my son and I’d feel so guilty. Them those few minutes turned into 30, then 60. But I still do not go more than a few hours without my son coming to mind. I suspect it will be this way until I see him again. And what was once guilt for not thinking about Koby nonstop has turned into a little relief. The brain and heart needs a break. But when things quiet down and the memories come roaring back, the hot tears flow down my cheeks- almost every day still. And that’s when I cry out, “come, Lord Jesus!” I can’t wait to see my boy!!! I can’t wait to see Jesus!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Our hearts DO need a break, don’t they? The overwhelming heaviness and screaming noise of grief is too hard to bear all the time. I am grateful for the respite and know now that even when the song is soft, it is still there. Dominic ( and Koby) are still there, in our hearts and minds. We haven’t forgotten. We never will forget. ❤

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    1. This is so beautiful! I lost my 22 year old son 4 months ago. It feels like yesterday and like an eternity all at the same time. I hope that I can someday say the same about Ryan….

      My head and heart are never free of the music he brings to my life. He is the soundtrack to my days, the lullaby as I fall asleep.

      No longer an ear-piercing scream demanding attention, grief is now mostly a quiet song in a minor key.

      Never silent.

      Always playing…

      Thank-you for this beautiful picture!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It took a long time for me to get here. I pray that the Lord meet you where you are and gives you what you need for each new day. May He give you strength to hold onto hope. ❤

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