I learned this lesson years ago.
As a matter of fact, I had a cute little picture on my fridge of a sinking ship that said. “Another day, another disaster”.
That was before I had actually lived through disaster.
Now it’s engraved on my heart as well as my mind.
I think I’m in control. I think my “to do” list determines a day. I think I can set the alarm and set my agenda.
But I’m not. It doesn’t and I can’t.
Last week I was rocking and rolling, moving and grooving. Making molehills out of mountains and working my list.
Today I’m sitting in my chair, heating pad on my back, barely able to move.
My body hates me.
This is the hardest part of chronic illness and lifelong grief-I want to be able to plan ahead, make progress, achieve momentum and finish tasks. But I just can’t. I can’t be sure when I go to bed that the next day is going to be anything like what I hope it will be.
If you think weather forecasts are unpredictable, they are solid compared to my life.
And while I absolutely, positively accede God is in control, is sovereign, does not answer to me or anyone else and can order my life and the world as He sees fit; I would love, love, love to have two days in a row that followed a pattern of positive progress.
So I’m just a *little* bit frustrated.
I know I need to adjust my expectations.
I’m trying.
Really.
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Once again you are spot on … your journey so closely coincides with my own. I don’t feel quite so alone. Thank you once more.
I had to laugh when you wrote that ‘my body hates me’!
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I always tell my wife, “those who plan ahead are doomed to commit it.” She loves to make lists upon lists. I’m more free spirited. I get the lists. Makes you feel like you’ve accomplished something. Something I do a little more since I’ve retired from my job. No deadlines anymore. Like today, I’ll vacuum the house, but I’ve learned that that’s about all I can do because my shoulders and feet will really hurt after doing that. Something about pushing and pulling a vacuum cleaner does that. I’m going to give reading a try again. The stack of five magazines need to be read. Oh….. Just checked the weather, the rest of the week is supposed to be windy and cooling off. Today…nice. I think I’ll head to the rifle range and shoot my rifle. Been wanting to do that since I reloaded some ammo for it last fall. I’ve found shooting to be a wonderful distraction, not only for my chronic pain but also for grief. No list today…I’m off to the range. Need to shower and do therapy for my feet first. Hope your back gets better. Hugs.
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This made me laugh so hard! Hope your day goes well. 🙂
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Thank you Melanie – just – thank you.
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❤
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Rest day Melaine…I shall join you ❤
I’ve just arrived home from a holiday which was a delight but travelling has taken it’s toll. I’m sore and grumpy!
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Yep! Sounds like you need one or two of those yourself. Holidays ARE fun, but exhausting all the same. Praying rest and peace over you today. ❤
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